The problem was that the person who wrote the apology letter mixed up the gender of Dr. Madduri—which led him to believe it was about the female flight attendant in question—when really he was the individual with the "bizarre behavior." When you read it with this new understanding, it becomes clear that Southwest fully sided with the flight attendant and never meant to communicate with Dr. Madduri about the issue.

"Dear Sivaprasad Madduri: Sometimes an explanation for the reason why things happen isn't always possible, and the bizarre behavior of the individual during your June 26 flight to Las Vegas supports this point. While I'm unable to explain the circumstances surrounding the disruption, I think it's important to offer my heartfelt apologies for any concerns you may have had as a result of this event. Naturally, we don't want this experience to affect your feelings about flying with us in the future, or for it to be your last recollection of traveling with our Company.

"In fact, we would consider it a privilege if you gave us another opportunity to provide you with better memories. I am confident your next trips with Southwest Airlines will be more pleasant and to prove just that, I sent a LUV Voucher to every person (except, of course, the lady who caused the disruption) who was onboard your flight."

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported on Dr. Madduri's arrest and the apology letter back in July, and they were able to get a slightly different story from Southwest that naturally makes the airline come off in a better light, but still leaves many questions unanswered:

Brandy King, the spokeswoman for Southwest Airlines, said flight attendants were required to explain the cockpit-door and front-galley regulations as part of the preflight announcements.

Yes, but many of us zone out during those announcements.

King said the flight attendant tried to explain the regulation to Madduri during the incident. The criminal complaint, filed by the FBI, makes mention of a second flight attendant who allegedly tried to explain the regulation to Madduri after he returned to his seat after his first effort to get to the lavatory. The complaint says the first flight attendant again tried to explain the regulation to Madduri when he made his second attempt. The complaint states that Madduri said, "I'm not listening to you."

Did the FBI talk to any of the other passengers? That would settle the argument. Sadly, the FBI office in Las Vegas did not return repeated phone calls.

"Doctor now regrets pleading guilty over incident on airplane" [STLtoday via airliners.net]

Southwest has since told Dr. Madduri, "We don't want this experience to affect your feelings about flying with us in the future," and they've offered him a $100 voucher. It turns out the "apology" was meant for the other passengers, and was in fact about Dr. Madduri.

From Rediff:

Ironically, even before he filed his complaint with the Southwest Airlines officials, he got a letter from Frederick Taylor Jr, senior manager at the airline's customer service communications, offering a $100 voucher for a future flight.

"Sometimes, an explanation for the reason why things happen is not always possible, and the bizarre behaviour of the individual during your June 26 flight to Las Vegas supports this point," Taylor said in a letter accompanying the voucher. "While I am unable to explain the circumstances surrounding the disruption, I think it is important to offer my heartfelt apologies for any concerns you may have had as a result of this event".

"Naturally, we don't want this experience to affect your feelings about flying with us in the future, or for it to be your last recollection of traveling with our company. In fact we would consider it a privilege if you gave us another opportunity to provide you with better memories."

Here's Dr. Madduri's story in his own words:

[I am] a physician from India who immigrated to the United States 38 years ago and [has] been in private practice in South East Missouri for more than a quarter century.

On June 26, 2008, I traveled from St Louis to Las Vegas to attend AAPI annual convention by Southwest flight 1226. Two hours into the flight, I tried to go to the bathroom ( I take a blood pressure medicine with diuretic that makes one 'go' more often). As I was sitting in row six, I walked to the front lavatory. The flight attendant, named Lora Lee Minton, abruptly stopped me and essentially shouted at me, "Go back! This bath room is occupied, and you cannot stand here."

Shocked and dumbfounded at this unfriendly behavior, I went back and sat in my seat. Two minutes later, I saw the lavatory door opening and I got up and walked towards the bath room again. The same flight attendant (Lora Lee Minton) screamed at me, "I told you not to go to that bathroom," and started pushing me into my seat. I was totally confused at this erratic behavior, and told her that I had been taking medicine and I had to go to the toilet. I even tried to walk past Ms.Minton as I was very uncomfortable.

"I told you not to go," she pushed me into my seat! I was lost. I flew many times but had never experienced a rude and unfriendly behavior like this. Confused and not knowing what to do, I went back and sat in my seat. I saw the pilot came out of the lavatory, walked into the cockpit and closed the door behind him. Later I could use the bathroom.

The sequence of events that followed were more frightening and beyond the scope of any one's imagination. As the plane landed in Las Vegas , I was escorted by two police officers and was handed over to the FBI. The FBI interrogated me at length and for the first time, I was told that the flight attendant, Ms.Lora Lee Minton, reported that I was causing 'disturbance' during the flight. I was also told that when the pilot is out of the cockpit, no one is supposed get up from their seat, till the pilot goes back to his seat. This apparently is a federal law being enforced since 9/11 and no one ever told me, nor was it announced during the flight.

That night I was taken through federal centers for further investigation. I was hand-cuffed, finger printed and was 'processed' as a common criminal. I was told repeatedly that my background was checked and I had no criminal record. Even after checking my back ground and even after confirming it by calling my family members (Our two children that live in St Louis and Houston, Texas ) and my professional partner (urologist from Poplar Bluff, Missouri ), I still had to go through the harassment. I was dragged through Federal court buildings that night with hand and ankle cuffs, left in cells for hours before I was interrogated and was threatened repeatedly with abusive language: 'Shut up,' 'I am going to kick your ass,' to name a few. Finally I was taken to a federal detention center in Las Vegas and was ushered into a large jail cell! I spent the night in jail with 43 prisoners - most of them drug dealers and picked up at street fights!

The next day I went through processing in a federal court building and presented in front of a Federal Judge. The public defender told me that my 'case' was decided and I would be released if I pleaded guilty and paid a fine of $2,500. He also told me that I could refuse to plead guilty, contest the judgment and even could win, but could be taking a long time, cost more and might result in multiple trips to Las Vegas.

Exhausted, depressed and completely deflated, I agreed to what ever the public defender suggested and got out after 24 hours of 'living hell'.

I endured the most horrifying and traumatic 24-hours of my life for a crime I sincerely believe I did not commit. A simple statement by the flight attendant (Lora Lee Minton) in normal tone of voice that I was not supposed to wait in front of the toilet when it was occupied by the pilot, would have saved the ghastly ordeal.

I was told repeatedly by the prison guards, some of the FBI officials (not all of them were rude), the prison inmates who heard my story that the reason I was targeted was because of my skin color (brown) and ethnic background (South Asian, Indian).

When I returned home, I did not feel like lying flat and take the abuse, more so the incident involved not only me but an entire race and ethnic group. I sent my story to local, state and national news papers including all the major Indian news publications. The response was overwhelming: the news papers were very receptive; I received numerous e-mails, letters, phone-calls, sympathy and supportive cards; every one wanted me to 'fight-it-out' and 'not to keep quite and do nothing.'

I did send my story to ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) of Missouri and Nevada , yet I haven't heard from them yet, though I was told that my experience had merit. I contacted attorneys locally as well as in St Louis and was told that they were looking for proper attorneys that specialize in civil liberties cases; I was told by some that I should not have pleaded guilty and should find eye-witnesses that would testify in my favor.

During 30 years of my stay in America , I never felt so threatened nor my rights so violated as I did that fateful night. 'You are not guilty until proven otherwise', the anthem we are made to believe all the time was turned out to be not true; I was guilty until prove my self innocent. I was treated like a guilty person and was never given a chance even to tell my side of the story. Even after the incidence, I am finding it difficult to prove my innocence. I want Southwest Air Lines to realize their mistake and drop charges against me. I did contact Southwest airlines and was informed that they were standing by their stewardess and the issue had no racial profile or bias.

(Thanks to Ashish!)
(Photo: Cubbie_n_Vegas)

• Take the place of an airline boarding pass.
• Contain personal information about the traveler.
• Be able to monitor the whereabouts of each passenger and his/her luggage.
• Shock the wearer on command, completely immobilizing him/her for several minutes.

Lamperd Less Lethal—oddly, that name doesn't make us confident about either the effectiveness or the safety of their products—has an entertaining instructional video on their site that explains why this is such a great idea. It opens with footage of the planes hitting the WTC towers, just in case you've forgotten, then describes how all the current solutions are ineffective—biometrics can't spot "new" terrorists who aren't in the database, Air Marshalls can inflict friendly fire on nearby passengers, etc. But they've got an answer in the EMD Safety Bracelet! Check out these handy graphics if you don't believe them:

Okay, we doctored that last one, but you know there'd be a technical glitch at some point that turns everyone on the manifest into a herky-jerky bag of twitching muscles. Pretzels everywhere! Plastic drink cups flying! You have to admit, it'd be funny to see (so long as your own EMD Safety Bracelet didn't go off at the same time.)

Lamperd Less Lethal insists that this is a great idea, and that passengers won't mind being figuratively collared like slaves out of a bad sci-fi movie:

Wearing an EMD safety bracelet for a few hours during a flight is a small inconvenience to ensure their safe arrival...many if not most passengers would happily opt for the extra security of the EMD safety bracelet.

We'll admit, it would certainly make it easier for flight attendants to take care of drunks, fashion victims, unruly children, and the occasional masturbator. But if DHS wants to take security this far, why not just anesthetize passengers and load us up on gurneys, where we'll remain blissfully unconscious as we're shipped like freight across the globe? It would be more dignified than wearing a stun bracelet.

"Want some torture with your peanuts?" [Washington Times] (Thanks to Capt Janeway!)
EMD Safety Bracelet video [Lamperd Less Lethal]

Over on Venture Chronicles, some Clear customers have left feedback, calling it "security theatre" and saying it "can cut 15 minutes out of the process"—which we're not sure is worth $100 bucks a year. Some were upset by the idea of retinal scanning and fingerprinting—all of Clear's data is routed through the TSA, so the government gets access to that data, if you worry about that sort of thing. One commenter named Celeste notes that Clear doesn't let you bypass some of the more onerous security activities:

I signed up as well and realize that, for now, I'll be at the front of the line. My two questions are, since I still have to go through all the security checks (i.e., shoes, laptops, bag screening, etc., as I understand it), why do they need a retina scan and thumbprint? Basically, I've paid $100 to bypass 150 people but I've still got to take off my shoes. Also, at $100 a year, won't the FlyClear line be as long as the regular security line in a year, once more airports become available? They haven't reduced the actual screening time. In fact, it's been increased by going through the retina and print scan, haven't they? We'll see if it's a benefit next year before I decide to renew.

I did find myself thinking "crikey I hope they have some killer data security with everything I am giving them".

I guess it's a Faustian bargain at it's heart, paying $100 because our government can't figure out how to have effective AND efficient airport security pisses me off, but I won't be thinking about that as I breeze through the Clear security lane while everyone else is waiting 100 people deep.

I'm less concerned about the prospect that my civil liberties will be infringed because at some point in the future they may share it with some agency, maybe I should be but I just don't get worked up about it for whatever reason.

Leaving San Jose on a flight last week, there was a short line to go through security — but long enough to make trying CLEAR worthwhile. I walked up and handed my card over — strike one, since after scanning my eyes and fingerprints, why do I need a card?

Next, I had to put my right ring finger down. Hard. Like really hard, to the degree it physically hurt, in order to get a good images. Yeah, I'm a big baby. C'mon — it wasn't comfortable. And then the finger wouldn't work.

Next to my "backup" finger, my left index. Again, a hard pressing down that hurt, but eventually an image was captured, and I was me.

So why then was I next asked for picture ID? All these biometrics, and they want my driver's license? Apparently, the CLEAR folks are different from TSA — and TSA wants the picture ID checked.

RELATED
"FlyClear" [Venture Chronicles]
"Using CLEAR To Clear Airport Security — This Is Efficient?" [Daggle]

From the TSA blog, where every TSA employee suspiciously writes in the same perfectly-punctuated, on-message style (this quote is from the man who heads TSA security operations in Salt Lake City, and clearly not from a PR flack):

The Green lanes are used primarily by families, who often feel stressed in the traditional lane trying to get through with their kids, strollers and other stuff. Often these folks haven't gotten the proper level of attention they deserve. People who don't travel much and groups also select this lane. We've dedicated more resources to get people through this lane quickly without making them feel pushed. The Blue lanes are for casual travelers who understand TSA procedures to a degree but may not travel all that frequently so they take a little more time. The black diamond lanes are for expert travelers who understand the system by the nature of traveling a lot and are totally prepared for the checkpoint.

Halfway down a Denver Post story about the experiment is one of the saddest things we've read all week. Here's a glimpse of the future of America—children indoctrinated from their earliest memories to accept The Way Things Are.

In the stroller were her sons, Christian, 4, and Wyatt, 2.

Wyatt was crying up a storm.

Asked if she thought the new system might benefit her and her kids, Clatterbuck said, "I hope so," as the two well-trained little boys took off their shoes even though they were seated in the stroller.

RELATED
"Color-coded screening takes off at DIA" [Denver Post]
"DIA security lines: Pick 'em" [Rocky Mountain News]
(Image: Jeff R.) (Thanks, Jeff!)

Coincidentally, the company said it will "take a one-time charge of $25 million in the fourth quarter of 2007, related to severance costs and certain asset write-downs."

"Chiquita Brands to restructure and cut jobs" [Reuters]

As Bruce Schneier puts it on his blog:

Someone please tell me this doesn't actually happen. "Hi Mr. Passenger. I'm a TSA manager. You know I'm not lying to you because of this official-looking laminated badge I have. We need you to help us test airport security. Here's a 'fake' bomb that we'd like you to carry through security in your luggage."

Read Your Own DHS Travel Dossier [UnSecure Flight] (Thanks to Bill!)

Ann Harrison, the communications director for a technology firm in Silicon Valley who was among those who obtained their personal files and provided them to The Post, said she was taken aback to see that her dossier contained data on her race and on a European flight that did not begin or end in the United States or connect to a U.S.-bound flight.

"It was surprising that they were gathering so much information without my knowledge on my travel activities, and it was distressing to me that this information was being gathered in violation of the law," she said.

James P. Harrison, director of the Identity Project and Ann Harrison's brother, obtained government records that contained another sister's phone number in Tokyo as an emergency contact. "So my sister's phone number ends up being in a government database," he said. "This is a lot more than just saying who you are, your date of birth."

Collecting of Details on Travelers Documented [Washington Post]
(AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

The database will ostensibly be used to combat terrorism.

From the Washington Post (emphasis ours):

Under the agreement, airlines flying from Europe to the United States are required to provide data related to these matters to U.S. authorities if it exists in their reservation systems. The deal allows Washington to retain and use it only "where the life of a data subject or of others could be imperiled or seriously impaired," such as in a counterterrorism investigation.

According to the deal, the information that can be used in such exceptional circumstances includes "racial or ethnic origin, political opinions, religious or philosophical beliefs, trade union membership" and data about an individual's health, traveling partners and sexual orientation.

The article says that the reason they'd need to know if you requested a wheelchair is to determine if you were trying to hide a bomb in your fake leg cast. We're not sure why they need to know you want a king size bed. Is there a link between terrorism and people who date people who kick a lot at night?

Travelers Face Greater Use of Personal Data [Washington Post] (Thanks, Ian!)

The TSA spokesperson responded:

"We don't discuss the results because they tend to paint an inaccurate picture of the competency of our work force," she said. "The tests are designed to be incredibly difficult and TSA does anticipate a fair level of failure."

Fake bomb eludes airport test [Times-Union via BoingBoing]
(Photo: antigone78)

Luckily, the TSA foiled Granny's hijacking attempt.

From KOMOTV:

On the trip home, screeners with the Transportation Security Administration at Los Angeles International Airport found it deep in the outside pocket of a carry-on cooler. Beaman apologized and told them it was a mistake.

"You've committed a felony," Beaman says a security screener announced. "And you're considered a terrorist."

Beaman says she was told her name would go on a terrorist watch-list and that she would have to pay a $500 fine.
...
She says screeners refused to give her paperwork or documentation of her violation, documentation of the pending fine, or a copy of the photograph of the knife.

"They said 'no' and they said it's a national security issue. And I said what about my constitutional rights? And they said 'not at this point ... you don't have any'."

'This Is Not Right' [KOMOTV]

Whether or not this fee actually has helped made us safer aside, why give it that name? Wouldn't "security fee" suffice?

The first reason that comes to mind is that most people will not argue with something called the "September 11 Security Fee." (Apparently we're also not the first person to have this thought either). Next time we punch someone in the face, we'll call it "The 9/11 Security Punch In The Face." — BEN POPKEN

U.S. Transportation Department Imposes September 11 Security Fee [DOT]

Now the 6 arrested passengers are suing their accusers. Boy, there was sure a whole lot of nasty racism going on that day. It's hard to figure out who should sue who, isn't it? Psst, the airline probably has more money. —MEGHANN MARCO

The Today Show

The discovery of a series of suspicious objects on bridges, near a medical center, underneath an interstate, and in other crowded public places have set off a wave of bomb scares across Boston, snarling traffic and subways across the city.

None of the suspicious objects have been determined to be actual bombs. It was not immediately clear if the incidents were connected or part of some elaborate hoax.

At least we now know that the Boston bomb squad doesn't watch Cartoon Network. And knowing is half the battle. The half that doesn't involve explosives. —MEGHANN MARCO

Attack of the Mooninites [Boston] (Thanks to Daniel!)

Don't Wrap Before You Fly [InFlightHQ via Lifehacker]

Related:
Charges Dropped in "Liquid Terror" Plane Plot
Cleveland Airport Confiscates Passenger's 'Dangerous Liquid' Pies

No word on whether this news will loosen the current restrictions on carrying liquids, but we're assuming that it won't. —MEGHANN MARCO

UK 'plot' terror charge dropped [BBC News via BoingBoing]

FBI agents raided Christopher's home last month.—MEGHANN MARCO(Thanks, Jason!)

Fake Boarding Pass Creator Goes Free [Cnet]
Christopher's Blog [Blogger]

Related:
NWA Boarding Pass Generator
Fake NWA Boarding Pass Site Removed, Creator Visited By FBI

Cleveland's Hopkin International Airport considers pie filling a dangerous gel/liquid and TSA employees seized at least a dozen of the baked goods last week before Thanksgiving.

The pies were donated to the airport's USO lounge, which caters to traveling soldiers.

Security analysts frequently criticize the TSA's for a lack of imagination in dealing with terrorism. It's nice to see them take so seriously a pie in the sky threat. — BEN POPKEN

Pie a threat to security after all [The Plain Dealer via Upgrade Travel]

The Star Tribune: OCT 27 - "Does this pose a threat to security? No," TSA spokeswoman Carrie Harmon said. "Once they enter the screening checkpoint, that individual and his or her bags are screened for dangerous weapons and explosives."

Screeners at Newark fail to find 'weapons' [The Star Ledger via Mere Rhetoric]

Article reprinted inside in case you don't feel like handing over personal information just to read the second page.

Screeners at Newark fail to find 'weapons'
Agents got 20 of 22 'devices' past staff
Friday, October 27, 2006
BY RON MARSICO
Star-Ledger Staff

Screeners at Newark Liberty International Airport failed 20 of 22 security tests conducted by undercover U.S. agents last week, missing an array of concealed bombs and guns at checkpoints throughout the hub's three terminals, federal security officials familiar with the results said.

The tests, conducted Oct. 19 by U.S. Transportation Security Administration "Red Team" agents, also revealed significant failures by screeners to follow standard operating procedures while checking passengers and their baggage for prohibited items, said the officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because it is against TSA policy to release covert-test results.

"We can do better, and training is the path to improved performance," said Mark Hatfield Jr., Newark Airport's federal security director, declining to address specifics. "Test results are not a grade or a scorecard; they are a road map to perpetual improvement; any other characterization is simply misleading. We have to challenge ourselves to do better every day and be relentless in that pursuit."

The poor test results at Newark come after heightened security procedures that the TSA put in place at U.S. airports in August, after authorities in Great Britain said they foiled an attempt by terrorists to blow up trans-Atlantic flights using liquid explosives.

One of the security officials familiar with last week's tests said screeners at Newark missed fake explosive devices that were hidden under bottles of water in carry-on luggage, taped beneath an agent's clothing and concealed under a leg bandage another tester wore.

Additionally, the official said screeners failed to use hand-held metal detector wands when required, missed an explosive device during a pat-down and failed to properly hand-check suspicious carry-on bags. Supervisors also were cited for failing to properly monitor checkpoint screeners, the official said.

"We just totally missed everything," the official said.

When the tests are conducted, undercover agents hide prohibited items on their bodies or in their checked and carry-on luggage in an effort to slip those items past screeners.

The results point up the continued problems the TSA has encountered as it struggles to keep up with ever-present and changing terrorist threats, aviation security experts said. Those problems, they said, include inadequate training for screeners, pressure from the airline industry to keep passenger lines moving and shortages of security personnel because Congress has imposed a nationwide cap of 43,000 screeners.

"The failures of TSA are failures at the basic level," said Steve Elson, a member of the Federal Aviation Administration's "Red Team" who resigned before 9/11 and has been a persistent TSA critic. He said top TSA officials have little aviation security experience and screeners are required to conduct too many tedious and obvious checks.

Like other security watchdogs, Elson advocates having the TSA take a page from Israeli aviation security by more broadly instituting behavioral profiling techniques in which travelers are asked probing questions. The TSA has developed a limited version of the program at some airports, including Newark.

Without such expanded initiatives, the TSA is "going to fail, and they do, with constant, stunning regularity," Elson said.

Newark Airport — which terrorists got through on Sept. 11, 2001, before hijacking United Flight 93, which later crashed in Pennsylvania — has been plagued by security lapses, screener shortages and testing failures since the TSA took over airport security from the FAA and private contractors in 2002.

From June to September 2004, for example, Newark Airport screeners missed one in four fake bombs or weapons that inspectors tried to sneak past checkpoints, according to weekly confidential inspection reports obtained that year by The Star-Ledger.

Such failings are not limited to Newark. An April 2006 report by the U.S. Government Accountability Office reiterated previous widespread GAO findings of screeners failing undercover tests at airports across the country.

"TSA covert testing has identified that weaknesses existed in the ability of TSOs (transportation security officers) to detect threat objects on passengers, in their carry-on bags, and in checked luggage," the GAO reported. The agency, however, did not provide failure percentage rates in its report.

Bogdan Dzakovic, a TSA employee who testified before the 9/11 commission about his experience as a member of the FAA's "Red Team" before the attacks, said such poor results are predictable.

"TSA's learned nothing since 9/11, because they still don't know what a 'Red Team' is for and what to do with the information," said Dzakovic, who retains federal whistle-blower protections.

Dzakovic said it is time for TSA "Red Team" agents to "start thinking like terrorists" in order to develop theories on what tactics might be developed next to bring down airliners, rather than focusing exclusively on past techniques.

"It's still a good reflection of how poorly the screening checkpoints are doing five years after 9/11 and billions of dollars later," Dzakovic said of the continued poor test results. "TSA is always going to be one step behind the bad guy. The only solution to that is human profiling."

TSA officials at the agency's Virginia headquarters also declined to discuss specifics of the Newark Airport results, but defended their policies.

"Covert tests are conducted by security experts who expect significant fault rates commensurate with the tests' high level of difficulty," said Ann Davis, a TSA spokeswoman.

"Those tests strengthen the screening system by challenging the work force and identifying factors that could lead to a breach," Davis said. "TSA then uses test results to adapt and improve upon our screening protocols and training regimens."

• The FBI seized Chris Soghoian's computers and ransacked his house.
• The congressman who called for Soghoian's arrest essentially retracted his comments and praised Soghoian for performing a public good, though he called it, "a lousy way of doing it."
• A TSA spokeswoman said, "Does this pose a threat to security? No."
• A Northwest spokesman said, "If someone were to print a fraudulent boarding pass with a first-class seat that was unassigned, they would quickly be discovered by our flight attendants."
• You can still mod your NWA boarding pass by hand-editing the HTML. Unless you're a noob.

So it looks like that website wasn't a danger, didn't aid terrorists, and was basically useless except for one thing: pointing out a big ol' security hole. Awesome, glad we got that one figured out.

Previously: Fake NWA Boarding Pass Site Removed, Creator Visited By FBI

BoingBoing reports that this Saturday morning, the FBI visited Chris Soghoian and handed him a written order to take down the site. By this time, Soghoian had already removed the generator.

On Friday, Rep. Edward Markey (D- Massachusetts) called for the site's removal and Soghoian's arrest.

As Wired points out, the hole is nothing new. Bruce Schneier wrote it up in in '03, Slate in '05, and Sen. Chuck Schumer issued a press release about it in April '06.

Soghoian, a security researcher, has never used one of the facsimile boarding passes and says his only intent was to bring public attention to a glaring security hole.

"The only way for these kind of problems to get fixed, are through through public full disclosure," Soghoian wrote on his blog when releasing the boarding pass generator. "TSA/DHS cannot be expected to fix anything unless they are publicly shamed into doing so."

(Thanks to Ian and Luke!)

Chris made a NWA boarding pass generator. All it does it automate the process of changing a few simple lines of HTML provided when NWA gives you a boarding pass online. Chris says it can be used to:

1. Meet your elderly grandparents at the gate
2. 'Upgrade' yourself once on the airplane - by printing another boarding pass for a ticket you're already purchased, only this time, in Business Class.
3. Demonstrate that the TSA Boarding Pass/ID check is useless.

Of course, it's kinda silly if it can be used only on NWA. Their only major hub is Compton.

(Thanks to Something_amazing!!)

Related: HOWTO: Board Southwest Airlines Faster

Read Cior wrote us in about just such an experience she had with Western Union when she tried to wire money to an ex-boyfriend who was in dire financial straits. After sending the money, Western Union found they could not "verify" any of her previous addresses, even though Cior has used any and all of them to conduct business with Western Union. Ultimately, her payment was caught up in transaction limbo, thanks to a terrible and opaque process that saw responsibility for the freezed payment toseed back and forth between Western Union and her bank like a frisbee. Her email, after the jump.

Broke up with my boyfriend, moved across the country. He goes on an international trip, returns, finds himself broke. Me, being the softy, agrees to help. Time is of the essence, bank wire transfers involve a delay. I'm willing to pay the fees, so I turn to Western Union.

I go online, place a request to Send Money Fast! and dump a not-insignificant number of hundreds into their hands. Instead of getting a confirmation, I get a notice informing me that I have to call them for additional verification before they can send the money.

So I call, and am asked for my name and address. I provide it. They say that their computer can't verify my address. They ask for a previous address. I provide it. They say that their computer can't verify my address. We go through this routine until I'm reaching for street and apartment numbers I used way back in 1995. None of them verify.

Let's rewind for a moment. I'm a normal citizen, have owned homes, have had a checking account since childhood, pay my taxes and have used all of the addresses I provided to Western Union for official business. That they can't verify any of them appalls me.

It's around this point in the call where they start dealing with me as if I were a fraudster. Tone changes, everything gets cool and icy. They are unable to help and refuse to process my request to send funds. Fine, they're allowed to be asshats.

Here's where it gets good. I call my bank to relay my experience and see if it might've been something on their end that held up the process. They inform me that a pre-authorization hold was made against my account for the amount I tried to send, and that they approved it. Furthermore, they tell me that the pre-authorization will stay on my account for 3-5 business days.

Remember that part about not-insignificant amount of money I was trying to send? I still have to send it, my ex is still in trouble, and now I'm temporarily out for twice of what I intended to lend.

I call Western Union to request that they remove the pre-authorization, seeing as they declined to complete the transaction. They give me a story about how they take care of situations like these by sending a fax to my bank, and that my bank would be responsible for processing it in their own time. I go along with the process, give them my bank (BofA, as per Consumerist suggestion) and everything pauses. Apparently, BofA is "the only bank that will not accept Western Union faxes." They then inform me that my bank can remove this hold, which I know to be a lie. Several phone calls later, a lot of pleading, a lot of disgruntledness, I am still beholden to Western Union for a lot of money for a period of 3-5 business days.

The pre-authorization hold dropped off my account in 5 business days exactly, during which period I fretted about money a great deal.

Western Union was never kind on the phone, treated me as if I were a fraud, held my money for 5 business days and lied to me about how I could've resolved the situation. When complaining, politely, I was treated with a lot of disrespect as well — cause, you know, I'm a fraud.

There's that. Put that in your blog. I took great delight in informing Western Union that I'd publish an account of their poor service on the internet. You've received my first dispatch.

And the TSA finally realizes what master ninjas always knew: everything is a deadly weapon.

A geologist traveling to a trade conference via Bradley International Airport in Hartford, Connecticut was detained by secured and forced to give up an interesting specimen of Hebron Gneiss. A rock, in other words, resembling "a broken slice of layer cake and composed of licorice and cream cheese." Sounds like the most delicious rock ever!

Why? According to the TSA, it was a "dual-use" item, capable of being used to bludgeon fellow passengers to death or perhaps deftly thrown through one of the windows, causing depressurization. Or, you know, whatever.

We can't wait until the TSA realizes that, even if they strip everyone naked, someone could still potentially rip the femur out of their leg, snap it in half, and use it as two just-plain-badass daggers.

No Stone Unturned [Connecticut Opinion[ (Thanks, Upgrade Travel!)

An American Airlines passenger jet flies through an impossibly blue September sky, hurtling fatefully towards two beautiful Twin Towers. Hey, it's September 11th all over again in this exciting advertisement from American Airlines, advertising their new TiVo sweepstakes!

In this case, the Twin Towers are just the speakers of a surround sound system, as opposed to massive skyscrapers filled with innocents. To be fair to American Airlines, they pulled the ad lickety-split and replaced it with a version with the speakers Photoshopped out. Of course, an equally valid solution would have been to reverse the plane and insert arrows pointing away from the towers that said "No, really! We're Flying THIS WAY!"

American Airlines 9/11-Themed Ad [Museum of Hoaxes]

At least that's what the security screeners at Manchester Airport in the UK seem to think. "They told him the two pistols on the front could constitute a security risk and upset passengers." Passenger Dave Osborne (pictured) was required to turn his shirt inside out before being allowed to board a flight to the US.

Guns don't kill people, shirts with pictures of guns do.

A similarly idiotic case took place a few weeks ago within the US, when JetBlue bought Raed Jarrar a New York souvenir t-shirt, because his own shirt that read "We will not be silenced" in English and Arabic was deemed too dangerous for JetBlue's apparently overly sensitive passengers.

Dave Osborne should have taken Raed Jarrar's case to heart and asked for a free shirt. Like a high-stakes version of "What Not to Wear," you can build a complete new wardrobe if you travel enough.

According to ABC's movie, one of the September 11th terrorists — Mohammed Atta — as having been flagged as a security risk at Boston's Logan Airport by American Airlines personnel. According to The Path to 9/11, the personnel then shrugged and chipperly let him on the plane anyway.

Even if that were true, it likely wouldn't have made any difference: there were other terrorists on that flight. It wasn't manpower that allowed Al Qaeda to fly the planes into the World Trade Center: it was a couple decades worth of indoctrination into a mindset that if your plane was hijacked, you just sat back and enjoyed your free side trip to Cuba. Terrorists would not be able to take over a plane with the same tactics anymore.

But, of course, it wasn't true. It wasn't American Airlines personnel at all that allowed Mohammed Atta on the plane; it was US Airways personnel. And it didn't happen in Boston, it happened in Maine. This is all clearly documented in the 9/11 Commission's report.

American Airlines are so pissed, they're threatening to withdraw all advertising from the ABC network, and are also murmuring ominously about lawsuits.

AA Prepared to Pull Ads From ABC [Mediaweek]

Still, if you think that's dry, try plunging yourself into an orifice up to the hilt at 20,000 feet. But if you don't do it in a cramped, sticky airplane toilet at least once, how will you ever join the Mile High Club?

We got an email from John, who had just such aspirations. He knew about airplane dehydration, so — a wily strategist — he intended to bring some K-Y on board with him on a recent flight. He even checked the TSA website, which assured him K-Y Jelly was not presently categorized as a terrorist weapon.

Of course, the prudes at airport security confiscated it anyway. Our only consolation is that, indeed, joining the Mile High Club isn't nearly as cool as it sounds. With visible smell waves oscillating from the toilet and the door handle jammed into the small of your back, the moment of copulation usually ends with a few lame thrusts and then the simultaneous admission that this really just pretty much sucks.

John's email, after the jump.

I was traveling to a convention and decided to bring along some personal lubricant in case anybody wanted a happy ending after eating rubber chicken for three days. As some bloggers have noted, toothpaste and shampoo are forbidden in carry-ons, but a little KY Jelly is A-OK: http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/prohibited/permitted-prohibited-items.shtm#1.

I stuffed the bottle (under the allowed 4 ounces) into my carry-on and headed to the airport. An alert X-ray machine person pulled me over, and my luggage got inspected. The friendly TSA lady swabbed my shirts and underthings with one of those pads that detects bomb-making detritus, noted that my bottle of contacts lens solution was legal, and failed to notice the lube that I'd not-so-sneakily hidden in one of the bag's front pouches.

This is a hassle, I said. Try putting your liquids in the little bowl for coins and keys next time, she said.

Next time came a few days later, and I did as she suggested, sending the lube bottle through the X-ray machine. And another TSA lady pulled me aside.

TSA lady: "What's this?"

Me: "Umm.. it's legal. I checked. It's in the regulations."

TSA lady: "Well, is it for your eyes?"

Me: "Not exactly."

TSA lady: "You're only supposed to take on things you'll need on the plane."

Me: "But I might need that on the plane."

TSA lady: "What for?"

Me: "Um, never mind."

And away went the lube, and my dreams of joining the Mile-High Club. Well, at least without some major chafing.

Some of our readers thought Erica blew it all out of proportion. You shouldn't get paranoid over the results from a web page... there's other ways to check on the flights. Our good buddy Better Living Through Miles at Upgrade Travel weighed in on it, giving some advice on the best way to track a flight. His advice?

Never just rely on the airline's own website for flight status. Instead, check out FlightAware, the site devoted to tracking all flights in American airspace. You'll see the actual time of takeoff, landing, a neat map of the flight route, and some dorky data on speed, altitude, etc.

But most importantly, FlightAware reports two different pieces of information than most airline websites: Wheels-up and wheels-down times. Airlines categorize flights by the times the plane is out, up, down, and in. "Out" and "in" refer to the departure and arrival at the gate. "Up" and "down" refer to the takeoff and landing on the runway.

Add it to your list of resources to consult before you panic, kids.

Getting more accurate flight tracking [Upgrade Travel]

In our current culture of fear, it's no surprise people get worried when loved ones fly. After all, there are breast-feeding mothers with bottled water in them all over our nation's airports. Not to mention Bonnie Tyler.

So it's perhaps understandable when Erica, waiting for her husband's US Airways flight from Philadelphia to Las Vegas, started getting jittery when it was three hours late and he still didn't phone. Her fears weren't soothed when she went to check the status on the US Airways site, which told her that while his plane had departed 3 minutes earlier than anticipated, it's current status was UNKNOWN. Visions of the charred remains of an immolated loved one drifting like snowflakes through sky filled her mind.

Of course, it wasn't unknown at all... the plane was sitting delayed on the tarmac.

Erica's email, after the jump.

I've been reading your site for a few months and now I need a channel for my rage. My husband flew on a US Airways flight today and he was supposed to land at 1:15PM, my time zone. Air travel being what it is these days, he promised to call when he landed. Well, about 2PM, I started to worry. I hit the US Air website. It said that the flight had taken off 3 minutes before it was scheduled to and had landed exactly on time, although the status was "UNKNOWN". For the next hour that "UNKNOWN" label, as I refreshed and refreshed, worried me more and more. I'm picturing all sorts of horrible things. Still no call from husband. I start planning my life as a single mother, when finally at 3:20PM, I got a call from him, saying he was finally on the ground. I asked how that could be since he'd taken off on time. He told me that the plane did not leave on time, and that it was about 11AM before they took off.

My beef is with US Air and their misinformation. Call me a worry wart, but if the correct information was on their website, I would not have worried half as much. If the website correctly told me that they had taken off late, I would have expected a later arrival and a later phone call. If the data was old - maybe they only post the info every few hours or something - it still does not excuse the INCORRECT information. And don't tell me to call US Air. The whole reason the website is there is so that I don't have to call, and US Air does not have to pay staff to sit on their butts and answer questions like when my husband's plan has landed. What excuse is there for misleading info? Are they trying to confound the terrorists? They sure confused me. My family regularly relies on airline website information when going to pick up family members at the airport... I guess we can trash that idea. It still bugs me... why have an informative website, and put wrong information on it???...

It all started when an avid World of Warcraft player on his way to Canada to visit a fellow player accidentally dropped his iPod in an airplane toilet. Unfortunately, he didn't realize the extra "plunk" as it dropped into the loo until sometime later, at which point, he alerted stewardesses.

But problem: stewardesses had already panicked about the mysterious electronic device in the toilet. And they'd called the feds. Over the airplane intercom, a grim voice cautioned people not to panic: "Folks, this is the captain. I don't want to alarm you, but we've found a suspicious device in the front lavatory. Now, we think it's probably nothing, but in this day and age ... you can never be too careful. We'll be landing at Ottawa, where we will await further instructions."

After the plane shrieked down for an emergency landing, the incredulous gamer was hauled under the spotlights and has his subversiveness sweat out of him, during which time they asked him about this magical online game called World of Warcraft and such hard-hitting questions like "Do you want a romantic relationship with the girl you're going to visit?" and "If you and she were drunk together, and she turned to you and said, "Let's go", what would you say?" Oh, and what he thought of 9/11 and Iran.

Our Kotaku sister, Eliza Gauger, says it best: Fuck the TSA.

I played WoW, I became a terrorist (story!) [World of Warcraft Forums] (via Kotaku)

The baby's mother was denied the right to bring bottles of diluted orange juice onto the plane because of the ban. Moreover, because the baby didn't have his own seat, but sat on his mother's lap, he was also denied food and drink by Delta.

And that's the part of the story that's really odd: even though they were paid for the carry-on infant, Delta apparently didn't think it was worthwhile to feed or hydrate him. Even odder, Delta's UK office isn't even bothering to deny this. Another odd wrinkle: even if that's the case, why couldn't this woman fed her son some of her food?

Delta Airlines should just start spraying down their travelers with salt before they get on the flight and be done with it. Or perhaps comp travelers with a free can of Bernard's Dehydrated Water when they come on board.

Mother plans to sue US airline over fluids ban after toddler dehydrates [Irish Examiner]

Mardin Azad Amin's black, industrial model penis pump was discovered y security personnel during a baggage check. Since it resembled a grenade, he was asked what it was. Amin then decided to say it was a bomb, as his elderly mother was standing nearby, just waiting to pounce upon him and tell him he'd go blind.

The true great thing about this story is it really does perfectly stress the age old dilemma: would you rather your mother think you were a murderer than a masturbator? Or a self-inflater, in this case.

Is that a grenade in your pocket? {Chicago Sun Times]

The TSA has also green lighted baby formula and breast milk. Be advised, clearance to bring such items requires having in your company a baby or a reasonable proxy.

Throwing stars, black jacks, brass knuckles and other martial arts devices are permitted, but must be checked and when they're of the pointy stabby nature, sheathed. Sorry folks, you'll have to subsist on The Parent Trap for your in-flight entertainment.

"Permitted and Prohibited Items" [TSA]

I will be flying Ryanair from Berlin to Dublin on Monday. I was certainly worried about security hassles, after Germany tightened procedures on their outgoing flights earlier this week. It looks like having liquids and laptops confiscated might be the least of my concerns, though.

Click the link to see the non worksafe version, with genitalia exposed and flapping.

New Airport Security Procedures Page [Ryan Air] (Thanks, JPac!)

Once the plane is over the ocean, very discreetly bring all of your gear into the toilet...put a beaker containing the peroxide / acetone mixture into the ice water bath, and start adding the acid, drop by drop, while stirring constantly.

After a few hours - assuming, by some miracle, that the fumes haven't overcome you or alerted passengers or the flight crew to your activities - you'll have a quantity of TATP with which to carry out your mission. Now all you need to do is dry it for an hour or two.

Just don't accidentally bump the call button while you're puttering around.

"Mass murder in the skies: was the plot feasible?" [The Register]

This could not come at a worse time. As if flying weren't hadn't already become a a dull, plodding misadventure of inconvenience without the humiliation of forced flatness, the misery of a surroundings full of mammarian surfboards.

ABC's "blog" is quick to point out that women have been suicide bombers before, although perhaps not by smuggling the explosives onto the plane in a couple of sloshing artificial Double D's. Granted. But isn't a world filled with beautiful, beautiful breasts worth an exploding airplane or two?

Authorities Warning Women Not to Wear Gel Bras As Worries of Possible Female Bombers Increase [ABC]

One odd qualification is this:

To help their progress through search points, passengers are encouraged not to include items capable of containing liquids (e.g. bottles, flasks, tubes, cans, plastic containers etc.) in their cabin baggage.

So an empty bottle in your luggage (say, to fill up from the airplane's tap to keep yourself hydrated when the stewardesses aren't rattling the refreshment cart up the aisle) will subject you to the double pat down and possibly a deep anal rooting.

The empty plastic bottle: terrorism's scimitar!

New UK Airline Security Measures (Thanks, Mark!)