7 replies

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Traveshamockery

@dohtem: The anti-tear Glad garbage bags work great for me. Just cinch the drawstrings tight.

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SaraFimm

@dohtem: Yup Magnum Large and XL. I don't know why, but I always attracted the bigger boys.

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sniplover

@dohtem: [secure.condomania.com]

Although I'm not the condom-wearer, I've had excellent service from this company in the past

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Osi

@sniplover:

Ditto. Since getting snipped, there's no need to wear that condom crap.

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sniplover

@Osi: I just realized how different the context of this converstation makes my user name sound... 'snip' in my name refers to a specific type of face marking on a horse, not a vasectomy, ROFLMAO.

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jurisenpai

@dohtem: Magnums or Magnum XLs. It makes SUCH a difference.

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waltja26

@jurisenpai:

Magnums were great in college. Don't use the ones in the nurses office, they break every time. Are they just trying to keep themselves in business by putting that crap out there?

Anyways, after a long term relationship, I ditched the rubbers. Turns out living next to an electric substation has made me sterile. But glow in the dark semen is always a fun party favor.

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WraithSama

@jurisenpai:
If it weren't for Magnums, I might have sworn off sex altogether.

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Trai_Dep

@WraithSama: Pheh. Pee wee.
I actually need to stitch together several, lengthwise and widthwise, to make it fit.

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Keavy_Rain

@Trai_Dep: I just use a garbage bag.

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dohtem

@Keavy_Rain:

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@dohtem: Good call!

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Nick1693

I think the Consumerist writers should help with the jokes.

5 replies

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MooseOfReason

@Nick1693: Phil Villareal is pretty funny.

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Trai_Dep

@Nick1693: Well, Ben did ask, Which one comes out on top.

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mazzic1083

@Trai_Dep: And we all know a girl can't get pregnant on top anyways, it's simple gravity dude

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@Trai_Dep: I tend to like her on top, but it's really a toss-up as to how it ends up sometimes.

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Nick1693

@Trai_Dep: True, but I mean in the video. I only noticed one joke.

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Paladin_11

Oh Consumerist, do your innuendo-inducing comments have no limit?

As for which condom came out on top, the answer is all of them. Since when have bottoms needed condoms?

;-)

2 replies

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TechnoDestructo

@jurisenpai:

Yeah, but it sounds like you might be saying that you're a male to female transsexual.

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Paladin_11

@TechnoDestructo: I might be any number of things. The only one I'll actually confirm is that I'm a Paladin. I am but one of many, of course. And collectively we go through a lot of condoms.

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Paladin_11

Also, don't think we missed the sheer genius of pairing this story with the \"$5 Foot Long\" calorie counting one.

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Xerloq

I did this once with water in my bathtub. I think we put nearly 25 gallons of water into the thing before it broke.

1 replies

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PrincessOfPower

@Xerloq, we are all made of stars.: and how drunk were you that night?

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LetMeGetTheManager

There is a joke about the person who has been 'employed' to 'inflate' the balloons. Change the words in quotes, and you will get there...

3 replies

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YouDidWhatNow?

@LetMeGetTheManager:

...it's my dream job.

Look at the back of a box of condoms...\"individually tested.\"

How do I get that job? And how do I ensure that, say, Salma Hayek is my \"lab partner?\"

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witeowl

@LetMeGetTheManager:
enlisted to enlarge the balloons?
hired to distend the balloons?
retained to puff up the balloons?

I don't get it...

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@witeowl: No, no, no.

Brought in to expand the balloons. That must be it.

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witeowl

@Con Seannery: Oh. That's just dirty.

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nascardan

I'm interested in the results, because I usually blast air like a gas station air hose after a good session with the girlfriend.

5 replies

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rekoil

@nascardan: Don't you have a gym you need to get to in 26 minutes?

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witeowl

@nascardan: Are you sure it's not the \"girlfriend\" deflating? I've heard those things spring leaks pretty easily.

Better?

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@witeowl: I think so, but it ain't about me.

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@nascardan: So, that hand really does it for ya, huh?

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nascardan

@Con Seannery: If you want to insult me, that's perfectly fine; But please put some effort into it. That was lame by even fifth grade standards. Hmmm... Or was this your class project for this semester?

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subtlefrog

Where I used to teach, we had freshmen college kids test condoms, too, to learn the scientific method. They'd smear some sort of lube (baby oil or KY or something good or bad) on one and nothing on a control and then come up with some test. You'd be *amazed* how much water the things will hold. And at the mess they make when they finally break.

(Cue jokes...)

6 replies

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@subtlefrog: What no \"oral exams\"?

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MostlyHarmless

@subtlefrog: so which ones are better? Lubed or unlubed?

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katia802

@MostlyHarmless: Well, when my stepsons figured out that condoms can be made into water balloons, apparently they liked the unlubed better. Something about them not slipping off the faucet as easily.

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@katia802: you can also get a better grip on the unlubed.

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@MostlyHarmless: pre-lubed and unlubed should both work the same as far as not breaking. But if you use your own lube, the worng kind can be disaster. Petroleum based lubes will break down the latex and then....baby, disease, or diseased baby.

@subtlefrog: I had a human sexuality teacher at CC who was a little old lady. She would also go buy a bunch of condoms at the begining of the year, imagine those looks. I mean she was probably only 60 something, but she looked much older.

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Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh

@subtlefrog: Suuure, \"scientific method.\" Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

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subtlefrog

@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: Yeah, the person who designed the lab said it was a great \"ice breaker.\" Um-hmmmm....

I just loved that she had to go buy like 1000 unlubricated condoms. I can just imagine the clerk's face.

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Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh

@subtlefrog: I know the look of a disturbed cashier over condom confusion. I know it well. Lol

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H3ion

What would happen if you filled them with helium?

4 replies

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CapitalC

@H3ion: @gStein_has joined the star bandwagon: I believe burlap-sack trumps thick condoms. ;)

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henrygates

@H3ion: Talking with a squeaky voice would be a new order of hilarity.

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TopcatF14B

@H3ion: Big Pharma wouldn't allow it...no need for Viagra to help you get it up.

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LetMeGetTheManager

@H3ion:

You'd get light-headed?

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remington870_20ga

release it outside in a heavily populated public place and laugh

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Mischif

Still not big enough for me.

(Come on, nobody else went there?)

2 replies

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rocketbear79: threadkiller

@Mischif:
(Come on, nobody else went there?)

I think you'll find the average male consumerist reader to be more mature and beyond such boastfulness. A proper man uses innuendo and juxtaposition to show off his manliness, such as power tools, HEMI engines, and the color of our AMEX card (which is now angrily canceled, this is Consumerist after all).

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@rocketbear79: threadkiller: nah, they did it up above already

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jurisenpai

Who wants to share their condom preferences?

As a female-type person, it doesn't matter to me, but my husband prefers Trojan Magnum Thins. He says they transmit heat and sensation well but are strong enough he doesn't worry about breakage.

11 replies

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uber_mensch

@jurisenpai:

'Beyond 7' is the absolute best. Larger and thinner than the typical Trojan Max. Giggity, giggity.

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merely_a_muse

@jurisenpai: Trojan used to make these condoms called Elexa's. They were part of some woman branding thing they did for a bit, but they were the most amazing condoms ever. Cut bigger than regular Trojans plus they didn't smell or taste like latex. I was very sad when they stopped making them.

We use Beyond Sevens, pretty comfy, plus smell & taste aren't as bad as a lot of the Trojanss.

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BklynHotniss

@jurisenpai: Thanks for the tip ladies. We use Magnum but never saw the \"Thins\". Always looking to have more fun w/o the \"it broke\" fear factor, lol.

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Englishee Teacher

@BklynHotniss: Don't use French condoms. They don't stand up to North-American style \"testing\".

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dohtem

@jurisenpai: I hate to be nosey, but \"female-type person\"?

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jurisenpai

@dohtem: I could say lady, chick, chica, etc but I hate calling myself a woman - I feel too young for that word still.

Hence: female-type person.

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Chumas

@jurisenpai: I prefer Lifestyle Skyns, they don't have latex so no allergies! Plus they transmit heat and sensation really well.

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rocketbear79: threadkiller

@jurisenpai: I second that recommendation, though sometimes they (the thins) can be harder to find if there isn't a CVS around.

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WraithSama

@jurisenpai:
Trojan Magnum Thins are the way to go. Before I found them, regular condoms would start cutting off my circulation after a while because they were too tight. Problem is, I'm a guy with \"too much stamina\" and condoms make it worse. If the GF is willing to go on the pill, my preference is no condoms at all.

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jurisenpai

@rocketbear79: threadkiller: Amazon sells them in bulk. It's a real money-saver.

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@jurisenpai: Unfortunately, they're moving to a clear shrink wrap as packaging for these types of orders now.

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jurisenpai

@WraithSama: I don't think that too much stamina is a problem! ;) But as my husband is an avid Consumerist poster, I will refrain from further detail.

I'm on the Pill, but I still like the added protection of a barrier method, especially when you can buy condoms in bulk at a low price.

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diasdiem

What's the point of that test? I'm not packing a bicycle pump down there.

2 replies

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TechnoDestructo

@diasdiem:

Maybe YOU aren't.

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pz

@TechnoDestructo: Zing!

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Trai_Dep

The first time I touched a condom was in seventh grade, in the Boys Bathroom. A friend had snagged one from his dad. He pulled it out, stretched it, we passed it around. We pondered the girnormous size of it. We blew it up, giggling like schoolboys. We passed around what we knew about \"It\" and how condoms figured in all of it (did you put it on before you left the house?). Then a wiseacre filled it with water and we giggled some more. Let it out then filled it up again. More giggles.
Then, with around six froshes gathered around it, the Vice-Principal of Boys (the disciplinarian one) marched in, saw us gathered around the sink.
Instant, piercing terror. OMG, he was going to arrest us! For perversity! Jailed for years! For Felony Possession: CONDOM! Or worse, call our parents!
Waves upon waves of shared, intense horror as he strode closer. Closer. Closer.

...Then someone let go of the condom, which spurted its water out as it circled the drain then rocketed down, never to be seen again. Evidence: gone!

Hilarity ensued, fueled by relief and Sticking It To The Man. Then we fled to avoid detention and a paddling.

5 replies

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brandymb

@Trai_Dep: ROTFLMAO! Thats as funny as when some of the boys in elementary school used to pee on the radiators in the boys can in the middle of winter when they were hot. The bouquet was indescribable!

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mrscoach

@Trai_Dep: I probably thoroughly embarrassed my children over condoms.Forget probably, I know I did. This was about three years ago, I guess, and I knew their classmates were having sex (number of pregnancies was a big clue) and I wanted them to know what condoms were and how to use them. Yes, I got out a banana and SHOWED my children how to put a condom on (one boy, one girl). Then I proceeded to place a box of condoms in their bathroom. I still do not check if they are using them, but have had them request twice for replacements. They are fairly honest with me and since I had said to give them to friends if they know they need them, I believe them when they tell me they were given away.
For one thing, I was told by the one who HAS had sex, that they had. I also know at least one of the kids they gave condoms to, and I know he isn't so innocent.
Now, when my daughter told me what brand not to buy because of 'such and such'(I don't remember, I think failure rate) I about fell out of my chair. Yes, I gave them condoms, but she isn't supposed to know about all the different brands and their positives and negatives!LOL

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colorisnteverything

@mrscoach: You are a pretty cool parent. My parents were very open. The rule was no sex while we lived in the house and both my sister and I have followed that one. However, my parents were very open about birth control, sex, and how we needed to use a condom. Everyone always says that my parents are great and taught me well. Of course, because of this sexual openness, I was able to get over all the worries and study porn in class at the school with the world's largest collection of porn. My sister is a bit more shy, but she knows what is going on!

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morlo

@colorisnteverything: \"no sex while we lived in the house\" is not very \"open\"

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colorisnteverything

@morlo:

Yes, it really is. If you are not adult enough to live on your own, you don't get to make adult choices. To each their own,but that was the rule. I lived with my boyfriend for most of last year and no one ever had an issue with any of that. I haven't lived at home for about 4 years. Thus, it's none of their business. While I was under their roof, it was there rules and I really respected that.

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@colorisnteverything: what school is that? is there an online course?

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colorisnteverything

@The Porkchop Express:

It's Indiana University and there is no online gender studies course, sorry. LOL

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gStein_*|bringing starpipe back|*

@mrscoach: if and when i have kids, and when said kids come of sexual maturity, i will provide them with the thickest condoms i can possibly find.

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MostlyHarmless

@mrscoach: Thats like saying i gave them a car, but they arent supposed to know how to refill it, and how to check tire pressure :P

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chocobo

So... where are the results?

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mythago

@jurisenpai: In my experience no two guys have the same preferences, however, InSpirals have almost universal rave reviews.

@Chumas: Last I heard polyethylene and lambskin do not protect vs. STDs as well as latex does, but poly is probably better than nothing.

1 replies

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catastrophegirl chooses not to fly

@mythago: condomania is selling a new latex condom with the allergenic proteins minimized.

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Omali

I don't know what number four in the air test is, but I won't be buying a brand that can't offer that minimal protection.

1 replies

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pz

@Omali: I'm telling ya. When my penis inflates up to the size of a small dachshund, I want my choice of condom to be able to support it.

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mythago

@BklynHotniss: Use lots of lube - dryness can cause them to break.

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Willmeister

Keeping them in your jeans will damage the condom entirely

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Rachacha

Does anyone else find it ironic that the opening sequence to the condom test video featured:
1) A Baby Crib
2) Images of a baby bottle, blocks and a teddy bear
3) Video of mattress durability testing
4) Video of a child safety seat being installed in a car
5) Video of a baby stroller

These images lead me to believe that none of the condoms are effective ay preventing pregnancy.

2 replies

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NancyCpants

@Rachacha: It wasn't ironic at all. Congratulations at completely missing the joke.

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Rachacha

@NancyCpants: I would like to retract my statement...I first looked at the video with the sound off...DOH

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Eyebrows McGee (now with more baby!)

Why did the condom fly across the room?

It got pissed off.

Yes, funniest joke EVAH in about 6th grade.

1 replies

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mazzic1083

@Eyebrows McGee (now with more baby!): Haha I remember that one and will give you a chuckle as it was definitely one of the best jokes of middle school

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georgi55

ConsumerReportsHealth required additional $19 subscription evne though I'm alredy paying subscriber for ConsumerReports? What a BS. At lease give me access to like up to 5 articles or something.

1 replies

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dialing_wand

@georgi55:

Agreed. I was like, well I should go see just for the fun of it even though we're actively trying to have something to put in a car seat.

$19 more dollars? Should being a CR subscriber give us system-wide access?

I am going to write to Consumerist about this. Oh wait...

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first man

@jurisenpai: Despite my screen name, I'm a lady. And I like the feel of Trojans, but does anyone else think they smell REALLY funky? My faves are Lifestyles.

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orange20854

I'm all for linking Consumer Reports to this site, (especially since CR is the new owner), but if you're going to publish a story about condom testing, its unfair to the reader to not publish the results!

This is really just one huge advertisement for purchasing a subscription to Consumer Reports. Sort of like giving someone the first two hours of Titanic, and then charging them $14.95 to watch how it all ends. (Who wouldn't throw down to see that?!)

Throw us a bone, and tell us the rankings. Think of it as a \"free trial\" of CR.com.

2 replies

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god_forbids

@orange20854: The ship sinks. Everyone dies. The end.

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GrandizerGo

@god_forbids: Hmmm, I knew that The Perfect Storm ripped off some movie!!!

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Chumas

@mythago: I've been looking for data pertaining to polyisoprene, not polyurathane and cannot find relavant articles in the health area. My googlefu has failed for now. Hmm.

I started using these under the guidance of a urologist due to a severe latex allergy. The charts he had were of comparable STD protection and breakage with latex.

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ExtraCelestial

I'm a big fan of proper attire condoms. Partially because proceeds benefit Planned Parenthood but also because they come in different patterns and I'm a dork :oD.

I think the bf prefers Crowns.

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pittpanther

What does filling a condom with air (or water) have to do with \"durability\" testing?

Shouldn't they be rubbing the condom to see which one tears first?

1 replies

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GrandizerGo

@pittpanther: They have far more tests then they showed there...
I know I have seen on a TV show on cable how they go about testing them, and one of the tests is a penetration test with different size openings.

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GrandizerGo

[www.condomman.com]
The last paragraph is the test I was talking about...

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Brazell

Well Theresa, if you ever want to put some of those lab studies to a real world test... let me know.

OOOOOOH!