var json_comments = new Array("
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zigziggityzoo
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Always go for the carved meats, and avoid the steaks.

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2 replies
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howie_in_az
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@zigziggityzoo: Avoid the shrimp, too. Haven't you seen 'Go' ?

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dohtem
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@howie_in_az: But swing by a wedding and pick up some bridesmaids to get high with.

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tinky XIII
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@dohtem: Also bring a wise friend with you who can explain the magic of Tantric sex.

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tomok97
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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In college we used to raid these palces. Our best manuever was arriving about half-an-hour before dinner. That way you could eat the lunch menu AND the dinner menu. Plus, lunch was typically cheaper so you get more options for less money.


I now weigh 640lbs and have Type 19 Diabetes...but it was worth it. :)

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lmarconi
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@tomok97: Yeah this totally reminds me of the all-you can eat college dining hall and high school after school trips to hometown buffet. I used to think the guys who had competitions to see who could eat the most plates were hilarious...they're probably paying for it now though.

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The Meathead
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@lmarconi: AFTER-school trips to Hometown Buffet?

Amateurs.

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varro
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@lmarconi: The all-you-can-eat college dining hall was balanced out by my dorm being a 20-minute walk from campus, walking between classes, intramural sports, and exercising on my own.

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LadySiren is murdering her kids with HFCS and processed cheese
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@varro: We once took some of our fellow collegians who hailed from England (exchange students) to an all-you-can-eat buffet. They thought they'd died, gone to food heaven. One guy was a rugby player, very slim with a high metabolism. The servers kept giving us the hairy eyeball because he took plate after plate after plate of food, and actually ate all of it.

The guys talked about it for weeks afterwards, in these hushed tones of awe. But then again, they also marveled at the fact that we could hit the local Denny's at 3 AM for pancakes. Oh yes, they also loved Taco Bell's food like it was manna from heaven.

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LastError
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@LadySiren: They don't have Taco Bell in the UK. Obviously the winner of the impending fast food war has ceded that particular piece of land.

Such a pity too.

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nbs2
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@lmarconi: It depends on how often there were competitions, and what they competed with. For example, I learned that I could hold 132 oz of OJ/choc milk/skim milk no problem. I could even get to 137. But, at that point, if someone tells you not to bring it back up, you will.


I don't think I suffered after-effects. I suppose it could have happened if I had stayed on campus after my freshman year, though.

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Loias calls you out if you can't RTFA
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@tomok97: Type 19 diabetes? OK, there is Type 1 and Type 2. The number does not increase with severity.

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UCLAri
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Loias: They're all lying to you. There is INDEED type 19 diabeetus, and it's highly infectious. It's cause is as of yet unknown, but you can trust that Wilford Brimley is working on getting you the Liberty Medical care that you deserve.

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shalegac
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@UCLAri: Mr. Brimley's plan is to use Liberty Medical to convince the masses that only large quantities of oatmeal can help TYPE 19.

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jamesdenver
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Loias:


My type 1 diabetic mind understood that as a joke.

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osiris73
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Loias: I'm pretty sure tomok97 knows there's no type 19, sheesh. But damn that made me laugh. I'll have to use that....

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tomok97
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Loias:


Hyperbole -hy⋅per⋅bo⋅le  Pronunciation [hahy-pur-buh-lee]


-noun Rhetoric.
1. obvious and intentional exaggeration.
2. an extravagant statement or figure of speech not intended to be taken literally, as \"to wait an eternity.\"

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pecan 3.14159265
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Geesh. And I was feeling gluttonous just now for having a sandwich at Cosi this morning, and now drinking a huge smoothie (I got a free smoothie coupon). I can't imagine ever going to a buffet and being able to eat more than one small plate of food, unless it was roasted or grilled vegetables. Then I could be there for hours.

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ospreyguy
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@pecan 3.14159265: Oh, and can you eat your own pompous ass as well?

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MostlyHarmless
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@ospreyguy: Wow. Take a nap or something.

@pecan 3.14159265: Classy reply. Much better than what I could have done.

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LadySiren is murdering her kids with HFCS and processed cheese
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@MostlyHarmless: Agreed. Maybe ospreyguy's blood sugar was low and he needs to hit the buffet.

Kudos to Lady Pi for not taking the troll bait.

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mon0zuki
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@ospreyguy: I hope that was meant to be a joke.

If it wasn't, that was -totally- unnecessary. :/

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John
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I tend to take the approach of taking relatively light plates back to the table and making several trips. I also tend to minimize the consumption of obvious filler like rice and potatoes unless they are quite exceptional.

This works very well for me at a Japanese buffet I frequent a few times a year.

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webweazel
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@John: I never understood people who would pile their plates HIGH at a buffet. By the time they got near the bottom, everything would be cold. Especially the crab legs! We do light plates, and frequest trips too.
One time at a Chinese buffet, we ate through 5 changes of customer at a nearby table. Yeah, we were hungry that day.....

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GitEmSteveDave_OverSleptThisMorn
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I nail them on the fact the sign doesn't list a time limit. Typically you can make it in there at brunch time and milk it all the way through dinner.

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heltoupee
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@GitEmSteveDave_OverSleptThisMorn: I've noticed that the further you push it, the less likely you are to get drink refills. I think all the Chinese buffets in my town moved the drink machines into the back as a way to regain control over the all-day-all-you-can-eat-ers.

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mazzic1083
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@heltoupee: Haha is that logic like \"Well instead of refilling those lazy bastards we'll make them get up off their glutonous behinds and get their own drinks?\" I like it!

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Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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All-You-Can-Eat is usually not worth it for me, because I can't eat that much in one sitting. Children's portions are usually just about right for how much I can eat, but it's rare to find a place willing to sell a children's menu item to an adult.


Where All-You-Can-Eat comes in handy is when I'm eating with Mr. Aroo.. aka \"The Garbage Disposal\".. He likes to eat a lot at once and a lot of different things.. so it works out well. I figure he eats enough to make up for my lack of eating.


His usual strategy is \"skip the salad\" because.. why bother?

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4 replies
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subtlefrog
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: BF is the garbage disposal, too. It always shocks friends, even those who know him well, how much he can eat. It is impressive.

As a vegan, it's rare I find an all-you-can eat that is worth the money, but when I do, look out. I make it a point to make sure I eat like I haven't eaten this century. Like this past weekend. I was still full on Monday. I think my belly is still not 100% recovered...

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MostlyHarmless
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@subtlefrog: Maybe all the extra abdominal weight put extra weight on your collarbone?

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subtlefrog
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@MostlyHarmless: Hey now.

Actually, the collar bone thing has been since before the swine hit.

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Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@The Porkchop Express: Usually buffet salad is always iceberg lettuice.. and that means no fiber.. so it really would be a waste.

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The Porkchop Express
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: I guess they would be iceberg, never looked to be honest. I never go for the greens at a buffet, because Mr. Aroo is, after all, right in his theory.

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nbs2
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@The Porkchop Express: Sometimes, you can find a bar that has baby spinach as a salad option. At the very least, romaine as part of the Cesear.


I always start off with a little plate of spinach with bacon and sunflower seeds. That way I can argue that I have eaten my vegetables.


Now I want to hit a buffet. Maybe the day after Thanksgiving, or a trip with the little one for daddy-daughter time after the second shows up.

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The Porkchop Express
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@nbs2: You can't just \"argue\" that you ate your veggies...you DID eat your veggies.

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Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@The Porkchop Express: Shhhh.. Keep it down... We can't let on that he is right about something. I'll never sleep again.

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mazzic1083
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: I can be a disposal like your forementioned beau but sometimes what you gain in unlimited stuff-your-face-ness you lose in food quality. I don't mind an all you can eat a few times a year but the food quality is always so much lower.

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Jeremy82465
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: As John Pinette so wisely said: \"Salad isnt food, salad is the promise that food will be arriving soon.\"

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GitEmSteveDave_OverSleptThisMorn
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Jeremy82465: He also says the people there would say \"You go now!\" to him.

@The Porkchop Express: Olive Gardens mistake, in my case, is unlimited salad with dinner. I was known to have a bowl delivered for dessert.

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varro
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@GitEmSteveDave_OverSleptThisMorn: \"You go now! You been here four hour! You put me out of business!\"

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dragonfire81
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: It bothers me I can't get a child size either, especially if I am dining with my wife. How would that be any different for the restaurant than a mother dining with a child? Two people, two portions, they get their money. What's the problem?

There is a place I eat frequently that offers HALF portions. I love that because I get fed and save money not having to pay for the part I never eat anyway.

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proskills
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@dragonfire81: About adults and the child menu... Restaurants generally lose money (or make significantly less) on the kid's menu and would prefer that only happens when kids are around.

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dragonfire81
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@proskills: How in the heck can they be losing money by selling less food than an adult portion?

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Jeremy82465
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@GitEmSteveDave_OverSleptThisMorn: Indeed he did. I tried to fit his \"The manager of the buffet was so rude. He came out every hour . . .\" into your comment above but I couldnt make it fit.

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UGAdawg
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I used to love the buffet. I still love a good seafood buffet with crab legs but as of late I get turned off by them. I guess I've seen too many handles go into the food. Depending on where you go sometimes it can feel like eating at the trough.

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Ihaveasmartpuppy
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@UGAdawg: Exactly. I can't do buffets, too gross for me. Besides, aren't regular restaurant portions big enough (actually too big) for most people?

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Trai_Dep
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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What's sad is seeing the former high school football types who still eat as though they were teenagers, but with post-adolescent metabolisms... Their girth is vast enough to draw small children into their orbit, trapped forever, madly waving for rescue.

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7 replies
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LastError
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Trai_Dep: That reminds me of a joke we played on a relative. He's a VERY large individual. During a recent birthday meal, his cousin the NASA guy said \"Bill, if you keep eating like that, you'll be like a big star!\" Bill looked surprised. Cousin says \"Yeah, you will suck in all the surrounding matter and turn into a black hole and not even light will escape.\"

And then he turned off the lights.

There was much screaming for about three seconds.

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Copper
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Trai_Dep: You're describing my boyfriend. He fits this description to a T. And he's only 21...

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varro
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Trai_Dep: Yeah, that would be me. Thing is, when I was in training camp, I'd eat three helpings at each meal and *lost* 10 lbs - although that was essentially 6 hours a day of running in full pads in 80-90 degree weather.

It's *very* hard to unlearn behavior.

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ngoandy
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Trai_Dep: Keeping your children in your orbit is the poor man's leash.

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osiris73
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Trai_Dep: Hey! I resemble that remark!

Didn't Peter gain his own gravitational field on Family Guy? Speaking of which, its lunchtime and there a pizza buffet down the street with my name on it.

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pecan 3.14159265
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Trai_Dep: You, sir, almost made me spit out my smoothie!

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umbriago
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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The meal itself will certainly be a few hours. - what? Spend a few hours in a buffet? Dear God.

Exit strategy: Leave a tip and waddle out.

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1 replies
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mazzic1083
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@umbriago: I think you're missing the point of staying a few hours and gorging yourself even more thus screwing the merchant; the kids these days call it \"sticking it to the man\"

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h3llc4t, breaker of office dress codes
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I love buffets not because I can eat a lot, but because of the variety. I take just a tiny amount of a ton of things. Once in a blue moon I'll go back for a full plate of the ones I really loved. I'm always hesitant to eat the crab legs at the local $8.99 a head Chinese buffet; they're very popular and the place must still be making money off of them, so what kind of crab am I eating, exactly?

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katia802
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@h3llc4t, breaker of office dress codes: Hubby was a huge fan of the \"snow crab\" legs at our local Chinese buffet. Till he got a case of food poisioning from it. Now when I want buffet I go alone. I'm more of a fan of take tiny amounts of lots of stuff and if you want seconds go back for what tasted good the first time. My son is one who can eat 6-7 plates at a buffet, i can afford to let them make money on me.

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Doug Nelson
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@h3llc4t, breaker of office dress codes: +1 for variety. Plus I hate waiting. Aside from the old ladies coughing on the carrot cake and the little kids that seem to enjoy running their hands up and down every single plate in the stack, it's my perfect eating experience.

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The Porkchop Express
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Rule 1: don't talk about all you can eat


Rule 2: Mashed pots and Mac&Cheese are last trip items.


Rule 3: not sure what it is, but it smells good? take one.


Rule 4: try not to stare at the giant guy that is, oddly, eating way less than you.


Rule 5: Try not to stare at that guy half your size that is, oddly, eating twice what you are.


Rule 6: if this is your first all you can eat, you HAVE to eat.

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3 replies
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Joeb5
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@The Porkchop Express:
Rule 7 have a good lawyer

7a be ready to fish for food after being kicked out.

7b order a pizza when in court.

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theblackdog
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Joeb5: 7c Be prepared to cut a deal to get free food while others watch you eat.

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varro
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Joeb5: \"Arrrr! Bottomless Pete - Nature's Cruelest Mistake.\"

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SPENCERG
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Good grief- the author of this article has spent a meticulous amount of time strategizing their buffet eating experience!!

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greggen
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@SPENCERG: Would you prefer an author who did no preparation in the subject they were writing about?

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sirwired
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I'm completely baffled as to why you would want to specifically fill up on high-cost items. Wouldn't it make more sense to fill up on the items that are tastiest to you? Why gratuitously fill up on, say, crab legs at a seafood buffet if maybe something like honey-glazed salmon is your favorite? Yeah, the guy that eats five helpings of crab legs costs the restaurant more money, but if you prefer the salmon, you'll be happier eating what you enjoy.

You're eating a meal, not buying a mutual fund here. Your criteria should be tastiness and satisfaction, not ingredient cost.

SirWired

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inadequatewife
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@sirwired: I think it depends on how much the buffet actually costs. The $4.99 chain restaurant buffet isn't exactly full of culinary excellence. I tend to get a tiny spoon of most everything, find out what tastes good, and go back for seconds on the things that I really liked. No salad (boring iceberg usually), no french fries, potatoes, or rice unless they look super delicious. I tend to hit the dessert bar pretty heavily since we don't usually have dessert at home. A slice of carrot cake and some soft-serve ice cream are things I enjoy that I otherwise wouldn't eat.

At a more expensive buffet, I'm going for the high end items to recoup the price of the buffet. I'll add in a few side dishes that look unique, but again, I'll stay away from the salads, potatoes, rice, beans, corn, etc...

With any restaurant, I look for items I can't easily prepare at home, either because they are time consuming, have a unique sauce, or include ingredients not readily available in our small town.

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pecan 3.14159265
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@sirwired: What if I prefer crab to honey glazed salmon?

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jackbishop
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I realize this article is in no small part a joke, but, damn, if you have to work that hard, it takes all the fun out of the buffet.

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osiris73
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@sirwired: Who are you and why have you invaded Consumerist with your nonsense? ;)

Its about getting the most value for your money, sirsilly. Sure, mashed potatoes are yummy, but one plate and you're full of about $.40 of material.

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LucindaJobnick
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@osiris73: Well, so what? The idea for some people seems to be to force the buffet owner to take a loss rather than to have an enjoyable and satisfying meal? I mean, what exactly is the point of having a meal, if not to enjoy it?

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pecan 3.14159265
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@osiris73: The other rules of eating out applies here as well. When you go out, you order things that you can't make as well at home. I can eat a plate of mashed potatoes, but I can make really good mashed potatoes at home, so why would I eat that at a restaurant (as a meal)? Hence, go for the crab legs!

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Oranges w/ Cheese hates what Christmas has become
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I love showing off my mad icecream cone skills at buffets.
I spent a summer at camp (they had a cafeteria with a soft-serve machine) learning how to make super tall amazing cones.

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4 replies
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leastcmplicated
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Oranges w/ Cheese wants it to be winter already: ahhh too funny! I do this at Jason's Deli, i look all proud for making an ubersexy cone of yumminess with a swirly on top... no one else is impressed though :-\\

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Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Oranges w/ Cheese wants it to be winter already: My mom does that too because she used to work at Dairy Queen. She likes to show off that she can still do the curly Q on the top.


I have to admit.. it does impress me.

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Oranges w/ Cheese hates what Christmas has become
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: I Love making a twist cone - if you do it right all the chocolate is on one side and the vanilla is on the other. Its amazing. When I figured it out I was just so proud.

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Kimaroo - 100% Pure Natural Kitteh
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Oranges w/ Cheese wants it to be winter already: Do you have a portable video camera? I'd totally watch if you made a youtube tutorial.


Or even just a video of you doing it so I could go \"Woah!\" lol.

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floraposte
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Oranges w/ Cheese wants it to be winter already: I would totally beg you to teach me if we're ever together at a buffet. A swirly cone still retains all the magic for me it had when I was five.

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kyle4
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I have a tendency to go for the most expensive stuff first to \"repay the cost of going there\". We usually go to the Mandarin and I immediately start devouring the sushi. As someone who doesn't eat a lot my method is to not eat the entire day and walk around a bit to exercise.

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blueneon
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@kyle4: I'm not a sushi eater, but does it not cause any concern to eat raw fish at a (usually low-priced) buffet setting? I see it sitting out and I wonder how long it has been sitting there.

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Jubes
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@kyle4: That's my method for the Mandarin too, except with stretch pants! I am the worst buffet eater, I fail every time. It's kind of a waste for me to go there but they have awesome waffles lol.

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Kishi
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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The disclaimer on that post is pretty entertaining.

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albokay
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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im gonna try the cardio route b4 hitting the all you can eat sushi place. Last time I put down five 8 piece rolls. Im going for 6!!!

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2 replies
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varro
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@leastcmplicated: Mmmmm, 40 pieces of sushi...39....38...37...\"

\"Homer, have you been up all night eating sushi?\" \"I think I'm blind!\"

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JulesNoctambule
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@varro: This is my favourite Simpsons reference so far in this post.

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Outrun1986
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I don't do buffets anymore (very bad experience at a chinese buffet, lets not say anything else about that). But if you are doing one find one that starts at breakfast. Get there at the end of breakfast, you pay the breakfast price. You can make it through lunch and the beginning of dinner if you are careful and if the place is crowded. This works well at casino buffets.

I would go for the foods you like the most, but you might want to skip everyday filling things like Mac & Cheese, pizza, rice and potatoes or at least save those till the end. I find it kind of pointless to fill up on high cost items if that is not what you like to eat, but if you like it go for it.

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Wombatish
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Outrun1986: Oh man, Casino Buffets...

I am -so- glad I'm going to Vegas soon because my mouth is now watering.

The good ones are -so good-. They actually cook and will take requests and such!

And you can usually get it comped if you win (or lose!) enough! Added bonus.

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Outrun1986
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Wombatish: Yes they take requests here too, you can get an omelet or eggs any way you want it and other stuff too.

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h3llc4t, breaker of office dress codes
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@Outrun1986: We had one of those experiences too. That location is now known as \"The Home of the Doody Crab.\"

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larrymac thinks testing should have occurred
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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When I worked in an office, our group would occasionally head to the Chinese buffet place, which we affectionately christened \"The Trough.\" (When a newer place opened, we called it \"The New Trough\", but eventually it lost the \"new\" and the old place was forgotten.)

Anyway, one of my cow-orkers got visibly angry with me for choosing some tater tots from the vast selection. He was upset that I'd be taking a low value item instead of something more costly. But I liked the tater tots. After the first incident, I'd take the tots just to piss him off.

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econobiker
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@larrymac - please put me on your do not call list: My wife and I occasionally hit a Chinese buffet place upon which I take a helping of ice cream to start. She looks at me like I am crazy but my thinking is to enjoy the icecream before I am too full...

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theblackdog
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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This is hilarious, and I'm going to have to try some of this out the next time I go hit a buffet.

BTW, I did learn for the first time a month ago that Cici's pizza buffet is the kind of place you take your kids for pizza if they're going to eat a lot of it and haven't picked up on how much pizza quality can vary.

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Cybrczch
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@theblackdog_FeelingRandom: The local Cici's to me closed not too long ago, no tears shed. I'd rather pay twice as much for pizza that has some flavor, and toppings, than for all the painted cardboard this place sold.

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Charlotte Rae's Web
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@theblackdog_FeelingRandom: CiCi is fantastic for those reasons - also because it is cheap, quick and has a good variety.

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econobiker
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@theblackdog_FeelingRandom:


The best CiCis or Mr. Gatti's fast food pizza buffet technique is to not eat the crusts. We used to count them in college. Another technique is to not eat the over cooked and soggy pasta but use the sauce for pizza dipping sauce as they sometimes skimp on the pizza top tomato sauce...


I never experienced -all you can eat- pizza buffets until moving to the SE US. Of course, it is a loose definition of pizza compared to NJ/NY regional pizza but these places would be bankrupted if they operated in the more costly and food value conscious NE US.

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theblackdog
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@econobiker: The best trick with the pizza crusts if you love them is to have them at the end, and bring over a plate of alfredo sauce you can dip them in.

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pecan 3.14159265
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@theblackdog_FeelingRandom: Yes, and when you're in college, you eat at Cici's because you know how much pizza quality can vary, but you're too cheap to care!

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theblackdog
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@pecan 3.14159265: I went to college where there was no Cici's so no such luck. We had to make do with Golden Corral buffet or the cafeteria.

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balthisar
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Ugh. I avoid buffets like the plague. If I were to be forced to eat at a buffet, though, I'd eat what I like rather than targeting something specific due to the ingredient cost. That makes no sense.

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dantsea
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@balthisar: It's nice that you were able to share.

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OnefinFinn
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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After high school track practice we would head to Ponderosa's $4.99 all you can eat fried seafood and sundae bar.We would then go into the parking lot and punch each other in the gut.The first person whose stomach blinked would have to pay for everyone.Combine that with the above tips and you have something fun to do on Friday night.

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varro
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@OnefinFinn: I do hope you didn't get in front of the throwers - you'd lose a finger.

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IfThenElvis
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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When I'm pigging out I half expect the management to cut me off and say \"I'm sorry, but that's all you can eat.\"

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RecordStoreToughGuy_starcommandseries.com
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@IfThenElvis: Then he'd end up in court, like Captain McAllister.

\"Does that sound like the actions of a man who had all he could eat!?\"

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Scoobatz
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I hate buffets. There, I said it. For the most part, I don't think you get your money's worth and the food choices are generally lousy and poorly prepared. Plus, I don't see the need to eat until I'm ready to puke.


And, when I do go out for dinner, I would much rather spend my money on items that are generally not offered or prepared the way I would want in a buffet.

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Khuluna
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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My strategy is don't eat breakfast, and have copious amounts of marijuana after a light snack.

ENJOYMENT SUCCEEDED

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TheLemon
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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After reading this \"how to\" guide, the last thing I want to do is eat.

\"The point here is to get home and into a comfortable environment as soon as possible. Ask you server if it is alright if you may take a cookie, brownie or ice cream cone to go with you and employ this tactic. Sweet in hand, return to your table and leave a tip, I recommend $1 per hour per diner. Now exit gracefully as the triumphant buffet master that you are. You should have the closest possible parking spot to the exit and be able to waddle right to your car.\"

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econobiker
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@TheLemon: The real buffet pro's have electric mobility scooters...

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mikesfree
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Tip: Avoid buffets at all costs.

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Quake 'n' Shake
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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The only time I ever consider hitting a buffet is when I'm in Vegas. Even then, I seldom do. It's too easy for me to overeat at a buffet, so I just hit up a restaurant of some sort instead.

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vdragonmpc
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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My fraternity brothers and I were tossed out of a buffet in Myrtle Beach. It was a travesty. Ate the place to the foundations the poor lady came out and told us we had been there long enough. Sadly some were still on a tear eating ribs and crab legs.

What made it worse? Eating the contest steak dinner down there. It is a real bad thing when 4 tables order the 'death steak' and all 4 ask the manager what they have for desert and are there any more rolls? We were banned from there. Guy claimed we were professional eaters or something. No we were just college guys on beach week. heh. I could never pull that off today.

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P_Smith
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Great, just what I needed to know: how to eat the most backwash and aspirated spit possible.

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dantsea
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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@P_Smith: Indeed. With an attitude like yours, I'm sure you don't need a buffet to experience that when dining out.

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Wombatish
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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The CiCis by my old house was remodeled and nice for what it was. The one up here in the \"college\" town is a trough, utterly and completely.

Luckily, we're right by one of the relaunched Pizza Inns, and it is really, really nice for what it is, about the same price too, better with specials (that they have more frequently). I'm sure it will slip eventually but at the moment it kicks CiCis out of the water.

And I do love that one dessert thing they have with the cinnamon and the nuts! I can't find a good copy-cat recipe anywhere D:

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CapitalC
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Just remember...

\"You don't win friends with salad.\"

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TravisL
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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\"Buffet\" is French for \"food others have sneezed on.\" Eating it will build your immune system.

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cash_da_pibble
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I am going to Vegas in a couple of weeks, and am looking forward to getting my money's worth from the mega buffets they have to offer.
Reading this article was like a refersher course on how to do it right- since I only Buffet maybe once a year- usually IN VEGAS.

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trujunglist
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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i love buffet strategy, it's kind of one the same level as planning for a zombie apocalypse, only you can actually do it.
i was only doing amateur buffets with my ex for a long time and just seeing what i could do or not, depending on how i was feeling that day. basically, as long as i felt satisfied, then i was.
then i went to a casino buffet during a field visit out in vegas. my co-worker had a strategy totally down, it was hilarious. i was going around getting stuff i like to eat, like salad and soup, and he was going directly for the crab legs. he kept making fun of me and telling me to get high cost items, so i was like i will, no worries. he looked worried. eventually, i did move on to the higher cost items and downed a bunch of it, much to his pleasure. i basically slaughtered the deserts and impressed him magnificently there. all-in-all, i think i made a decent go of it for my first high quality buffet. next time I probably will try to take out the high cost items first and then work down from there, although man, who can resist a green leafy spring mix type of salad with all the veggies you like and whatever dressing? who I ask you, who?

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bohemian
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I generally avoid most buffets because they have the trough quality and atmosphere. A surprisingly good Chinese buffet opened up in town. Eventually the trailer trash set discovered it and would seemingly make a contest of running for the crab legs. They would put out crab legs, the chubby rats would scurry over, load plates and scurry back to their tables. The last time we were there people were loitering around the end of one buffet line waiting for more crab to be brought out.

The food quality went down drastically I am guessing to make up for what they were losing on the crab gluttons.

I still want to hit up one of the better Vegas buffets.

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cmdrsass
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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File this in the \"Ruining it for Everyone\" category.

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bfwebster
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Back in high school (40 years ago in east San Diego County), one of our football team boosters ran a buffer restaurant (\"Sir George's Smorgasborg\"). Once a year, during football season, he'd invite the entire varsity football team to a free dinner there. We'd usually wipe out the place, leaving scraped-clean serving bins in our wake. I think he got a kick out of having no food left at the end of the evening.

A few years later, as a young starving college student, I used to stop in Las Vegas (which lay between my home town and my alma mater) and consume mass quantities at one of the casino buffets. Pretty good food, too (at least to a still-skinny young man).

I largely avoided buffets thereafter. However, in the last four years or so, when my wife and I visit her mom and stepdad, they usually take us out to dinner at a Golden Corral buffet. The food actually isn't bad, but it's not a place I'd choose to go on my own. ..bruce..

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bishophicks
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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When my wife was in grad school, she and her friends referred to eating at a buffet as \"filter feeding\" (the way certain whales eat - essentially swimming around with your mouth open). They also referred to eating more expensive items as \"maximizing their buffet dollar.\"


All buffets aren't terrible. Some can be terrific (there's a Japanese place a few town's over that is amazing). That being said, I think the two worst dining experiences I've had were at buffet restaurants. Nothing makes a memory like rotten, smelly bacon.


My main strategy is to go early or late (arrive at 11:45 or 1:15 for a lunch buffet for example), walk the whole buffet to see everything before picking up a plate, and get a little of everything that looks good. I also try to skip whatever meal preceeds the trip to the buffet so I can over eat a bit without guilt.

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Carlee
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I don't particularly like buffets, but my family does. My parents, especially, load up on seafood. Never had a problem with food poisoning (knock on wood).

The only problem, though, is that they pile their first plates up high. And it takes them forever to get through the first plate but they can't possibly just eat one plate! So they end up quite stuffed.

I personally like to put only a few items on the plate - and go back for more trips. Having so much food piled on a plate is a bit unappetizing. Plus, more exercise in between plates :)

And definitely go for the more expensive, or more special, items. Though I will admit that one place had great seasoned french fries...

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alshultz
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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And most importantly visit a buffet that always has a lot of patrons. Once I was traveling with family and we pulled into a chinese buffet to find we were the only ones the parking lot. The place smelled like it had roaches and everything looked a day old. Once we started to leave without even sitting down the owner pleaded with us and told us they were making fresh stuff in the back if we would just wait :/

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do-it-myself
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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I've been to my share of magnificant and deplorable buffets. From my experience, Chinese/Asian Buffets are the absolute best. Those with Mongolian grills are on the top of my list. I went to Hometown Buffet a few months ago for the first and last time. It was a combination of the so-so food and the crazy patrons. At the local HB, I had to get my own drinks, which was fine....but only ONE item was worth eating. Some Hawaiian BBQ chicken. One problem, it went FAST and was never refilled as often as it needed to be. I've never felt so gross within a buffet.


The local Chinese Buffet, although it didn't have crab legs (which is something I always expect during dinner in such a place), every item and the grill made up for it. I always get a bowl of soup first, then I sample each and every tasty item. Then I prepare a plate for the grill, then I sample more items, then I go back for what I REALLY like, then I get ice cream. This is essentially my usual rotation.


I love buffets for their numerous food choices, but I loathe them for their somewhat rampant and unsanitary atmospheres....but in the end my stomach wins. I try not to go too often (usually twice a month at the most so I can keep my boyish figure). I have actually been trying to eat less nowadays...

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zzxx
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Are there any more 'all you can drink' bars in NYC? I remember one on 75th & 1st that would give you all of the beer you can guzzle on Wednesday night for $10.00. I was so wrecked, really wrecked. I would stay there until closing (4 am) and somehow stagger back to my apartment. I would be out of work on Thursday and barely make it in on Friday. Then I would go out on Friday night again and get wrecked but for more money.

I loved those years (89 - 92). I loved the all you can drink bar. They made their money from girls who thought they could drink $10 worth of beer. Where is there an all you can drink bar?

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thereisn0try
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Japanese buffets are serious business for my dad. They get mad when you skip the rice and just eat the fish off of the sushi, because then you're not getting full as fast and thus they lose money. So he's taken to hiding all of the little clumps of rice in a napkin while he gorges on the fish.

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LucindaJobnick
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Is this post written for people who feel that normal restaurant portions are too small? Seriously?

Here's what I think when I hear the word buffet: Hoards of obese sweaty people in sweatpants. Shrimp, crab, and beef imported from China or maybe North Korea. The only way these places can stay in business is to buy the cheapest, lowest-quality food available. This is what you want to put into your body?

The owners of these places aren't stupid - they know a large portion (heh) of their customers will eat 47 pounds of shrimp each. So if they're still making a profit on this, what does that tell you about the quality of the shrimp?

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3skr1mad0r
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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There is no shortage of buffet places here in San Antonio which may be why we are one of the fattest cities in America.
I'm actually kind of grossed out by this article. The only reason we ever go to \"Heifer Heaven\" is so the kids can choose what they want to eat. We make sure they choose a few healthy options along with the normal junk kids like.
Our family just doesn't eat in quantities to make the cost worth it. The quality at most of these places surely doesn't make up for it either, not to mention the atmosphere of sitting across from people who are so fat they sweat butter.

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bbagdan
November 13, 2009 4:36 PM
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Has no one mentioned going to the bathroom a few times and vomiting so you can continue eating?

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