There is no shortage of buffet places here in San Antonio which may be why we are one of the fattest cities in America.
I'm actually kind of grossed out by this article. The only reason we ever go to "Heifer Heaven" is so the kids can choose what they want to eat. We make sure they choose a few healthy options along with the normal junk kids like.
Our family just doesn't eat in quantities to make the cost worth it. The quality at most of these places surely doesn't make up for it either, not to mention the atmosphere of sitting across from people who are so fat they sweat butter.

@nbs2: You can't just "argue" that you ate your veggies...you DID eat your veggies.

Here's what I think when I hear the word buffet: Hoards of obese sweaty people in sweatpants. Shrimp, crab, and beef imported from China or maybe North Korea. The only way these places can stay in business is to buy the cheapest, lowest-quality food available. This is what you want to put into your body?

The owners of these places aren't stupid - they know a large portion (heh) of their customers will eat 47 pounds of shrimp each. So if they're still making a profit on this, what does that tell you about the quality of the shrimp?

And then he turned off the lights.

There was much screaming for about three seconds.

Such a pity too.

@heltoupee:
Beverages just fill you up anyway.

I loved those years (89 - 92). I loved the all you can drink bar. They made their money from girls who thought they could drink $10 worth of beer. Where is there an all you can drink bar?

I've been to my share of magnificant and deplorable buffets. From my experience, Chinese/Asian Buffets are the absolute best. Those with Mongolian grills are on the top of my list. I went to Hometown Buffet a few months ago for the first and last time. It was a combination of the so-so food and the crazy patrons. At the local HB, I had to get my own drinks, which was fine....but only ONE item was worth eating. Some Hawaiian BBQ chicken. One problem, it went FAST and was never refilled as often as it needed to be. I've never felt so gross within a buffet.

The local Chinese Buffet, although it didn't have crab legs (which is something I always expect during dinner in such a place), every item and the grill made up for it. I always get a bowl of soup first, then I sample each and every tasty item. Then I prepare a plate for the grill, then I sample more items, then I go back for what I REALLY like, then I get ice cream. This is essentially my usual rotation.

I love buffets for their numerous food choices, but I loathe them for their somewhat rampant and unsanitary atmospheres....but in the end my stomach wins. I try not to go too often (usually twice a month at the most so I can keep my boyish figure). I have actually been trying to eat less nowadays...

The only problem, though, is that they pile their first plates up high. And it takes them forever to get through the first plate but they can't possibly just eat one plate! So they end up quite stuffed.

I personally like to put only a few items on the plate - and go back for more trips. Having so much food piled on a plate is a bit unappetizing. Plus, more exercise in between plates :)

And definitely go for the more expensive, or more special, items. Though I will admit that one place had great seasoned french fries...

I totally get that.

Amateurs.

Actually, the collar bone thing has been since before the swine hit.

Darn. That explains it.

Kudos to Lady Pi for not taking the troll bait.

When my wife was in grad school, she and her friends referred to eating at a buffet as "filter feeding" (the way certain whales eat - essentially swimming around with your mouth open). They also referred to eating more expensive items as "maximizing their buffet dollar."

All buffets aren't terrible. Some can be terrific (there's a Japanese place a few town's over that is amazing). That being said, I think the two worst dining experiences I've had were at buffet restaurants. Nothing makes a memory like rotten, smelly bacon.

My main strategy is to go early or late (arrive at 11:45 or 1:15 for a lunch buffet for example), walk the whole buffet to see everything before picking up a plate, and get a little of everything that looks good. I also try to skip whatever meal preceeds the trip to the buffet so I can over eat a bit without guilt.

The guys talked about it for weeks afterwards, in these hushed tones of awe. But then again, they also marveled at the fact that we could hit the local Denny's at 3 AM for pancakes. Oh yes, they also loved Taco Bell's food like it was manna from heaven.

A few years later, as a young starving college student, I used to stop in Las Vegas (which lay between my home town and my alma mater) and consume mass quantities at one of the casino buffets. Pretty good food, too (at least to a still-skinny young man).

I largely avoided buffets thereafter. However, in the last four years or so, when my wife and I visit her mom and stepdad, they usually take us out to dinner at a Golden Corral buffet. The food actually isn't bad, but it's not a place I'd choose to go on my own. ..bruce..

"Homer, have you been up all night eating sushi?" "I think I'm blind!"

It's *very* hard to unlearn behavior.

@pecan 3.14159265: Classy reply. Much better than what I could have done.

@theblackdog_FeelingRandom: The local Cici's to me closed not too long ago, no tears shed. I'd rather pay twice as much for pizza that has some flavor, and toppings, than for all the painted cardboard this place sold.

If it wasn't, that was -totally- unnecessary. :/

@ospreyguy: Aww, someone's cranky today!

...

The food quality went down drastically I am guessing to make up for what they were losing on the crab gluttons.

I still want to hit up one of the better Vegas buffets.

@The Porkchop Express: Sometimes, you can find a bar that has baby spinach as a salad option. At the very least, romaine as part of the Cesear.

I always start off with a little plate of spinach with bacon and sunflower seeds. That way I can argue that I have eaten my vegetables.

Now I want to hit a buffet. Maybe the day after Thanksgiving, or a trip with the little one for daddy-daughter time after the second shows up.

@lmarconi: It depends on how often there were competitions, and what they competed with. For example, I learned that I could hold 132 oz of OJ/choc milk/skim milk no problem. I could even get to 137. But, at that point, if someone tells you not to bring it back up, you will.

I don't think I suffered after-effects. I suppose it could have happened if I had stayed on campus after my freshman year, though.

As a vegan, it's rare I find an all-you-can eat that is worth the money, but when I do, look out. I make it a point to make sure I eat like I haven't eaten this century. Like this past weekend. I was still full on Monday. I think my belly is still not 100% recovered...

@pecan 3.14159265: Oh, and can you eat your own pompous ass as well?

I am going to Vegas in a couple of weeks, and am looking forward to getting my money's worth from the mega buffets they have to offer.
Reading this article was like a refersher course on how to do it right- since I only Buffet maybe once a year- usually IN VEGAS.

@UCLAri:

With Free Shipping.

7a be ready to fish for food after being kicked out.

7b order a pizza when in court.

"You don't win friends with salad."

There is a place I eat frequently that offers HALF portions. I love that because I get fed and save money not having to pay for the part I never eat anyway.

Luckily, we're right by one of the relaunched Pizza Inns, and it is really, really nice for what it is, about the same price too, better with specials (that they have more frequently). I'm sure it will slip eventually but at the moment it kicks CiCis out of the water.

And I do love that one dessert thing they have with the cinnamon and the nuts! I can't find a good copy-cat recipe anywhere D:

@TheLemon: The real buffet pro's have electric mobility scooters...

@theblackdog_FeelingRandom:

The best CiCis or Mr. Gatti's fast food pizza buffet technique is to not eat the crusts. We used to count them in college. Another technique is to not eat the over cooked and soggy pasta but use the sauce for pizza dipping sauce as they sometimes skimp on the pizza top tomato sauce...

I never experienced -all you can eat- pizza buffets until moving to the SE US. Of course, it is a loose definition of pizza compared to NJ/NY regional pizza but these places would be bankrupted if they operated in the more costly and food value conscious NE US.

I am -so- glad I'm going to Vegas soon because my mouth is now watering.

The good ones are -so good-. They actually cook and will take requests and such!

And you can usually get it comped if you win (or lose!) enough! Added bonus.

@larrymac - please put me on your do not call list: My wife and I occasionally hit a Chinese buffet place upon which I take a helping of ice cream to start. She looks at me like I am crazy but my thinking is to enjoy the icecream before I am too full...

@h3llc4t, breaker of office dress codes: Hubby was a huge fan of the "snow crab" legs at our local Chinese buffet. Till he got a case of food poisioning from it. Now when I want buffet I go alone. I'm more of a fan of take tiny amounts of lots of stuff and if you want seconds go back for what tasted good the first time. My son is one who can eat 6-7 plates at a buffet, i can afford to let them make money on me.

@John: I never understood people who would pile their plates HIGH at a buffet. By the time they got near the bottom, everything would be cold. Especially the crab legs! We do light plates, and frequest trips too.
One time at a Chinese buffet, we ate through 5 changes of customer at a nearby table. Yeah, we were hungry that day.....

Great, just what I needed to know: how to eat the most backwash and aspirated spit possible.

What made it worse? Eating the contest steak dinner down there. It is a real bad thing when 4 tables order the 'death steak' and all 4 ask the manager what they have for desert and are there any more rolls? We were banned from there. Guy claimed we were professional eaters or something. No we were just college guys on beach week. heh. I could never pull that off today.

@theblackdog_FeelingRandom: Yes, and when you're in college, you eat at Cici's because you know how much pizza quality can vary, but you're too cheap to care!

At a more expensive buffet, I'm going for the high end items to recoup the price of the buffet. I'll add in a few side dishes that look unique, but again, I'll stay away from the salads, potatoes, rice, beans, corn, etc...

With any restaurant, I look for items I can't easily prepare at home, either because they are time consuming, have a unique sauce, or include ingredients not readily available in our small town.

@theblackdog_FeelingRandom: Indeed on all counts RE Cici's pizza.

Tip: Avoid buffets at all costs.

@Oranges w/ Cheese wants it to be winter already: Do you have a portable video camera? I'd totally watch if you made a youtube tutorial.

Or even just a video of you doing it so I could go "Woah!" lol.

I prefer to just stick my head under the spout and dispense.

@GitEmSteveDave_OverSleptThisMorn: I'll have the breadsticks..

...OMG....the breadsticks...

"The point here is to get home and into a comfortable environment as soon as possible. Ask you server if it is alright if you may take a cookie, brownie or ice cream cone to go with you and employ this tactic. Sweet in hand, return to your table and leave a tip, I recommend $1 per hour per diner. Now exit gracefully as the triumphant buffet master that you are. You should have the closest possible parking spot to the exit and be able to waddle right to your car."

ENJOYMENT SUCCEEDED

"Does that sound like the actions of a man who had all he could eat!?"

I hate buffets. There, I said it. For the most part, I don't think you get your money's worth and the food choices are generally lousy and poorly prepared. Plus, I don't see the need to eat until I'm ready to puke.

And, when I do go out for dinner, I would much rather spend my money on items that are generally not offered or prepared the way I would want in a buffet.

@umbriago: I think you're missing the point of staying a few hours and gorging yourself even more thus screwing the merchant; the kids these days call it "sticking it to the man"

@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: I can be a disposal like your forementioned beau but sometimes what you gain in unlimited stuff-your-face-ness you lose in food quality. I don't mind an all you can eat a few times a year but the food quality is always so much lower.

@heltoupee: Haha is that logic like "Well instead of refilling those lazy bastards we'll make them get up off their glutonous behinds and get their own drinks?" I like it!

@squinko: Yes. And my dad calls him "The Stomach".. No lie.

After high school track practice we would head to Ponderosa's $4.99 all you can eat fried seafood and sundae bar.We would then go into the parking lot and punch each other in the gut.The first person whose stomach blinked would have to pay for everyone.Combine that with the above tips and you have something fun to do on Friday night.

BTW, I did learn for the first time a month ago that Cici's pizza buffet is the kind of place you take your kids for pizza if they're going to eat a lot of it and haven't picked up on how much pizza quality can vary.

Anyway, one of my cow-orkers got visibly angry with me for choosing some tater tots from the vast selection. He was upset that I'd be taking a low value item instead of something more costly. But I liked the tater tots. After the first incident, I'd take the tots just to piss him off.

@osiris73: The other rules of eating out applies here as well. When you go out, you order things that you can't make as well at home. I can eat a plate of mashed potatoes, but I can make really good mashed potatoes at home, so why would I eat that at a restaurant (as a meal)? Hence, go for the crab legs!

I would go for the foods you like the most, but you might want to skip everyday filling things like Mac & Cheese, pizza, rice and potatoes or at least save those till the end. I find it kind of pointless to fill up on high cost items if that is not what you like to eat, but if you like it go for it.

im gonna try the cardio route b4 hitting the all you can eat sushi place. Last time I put down five 8 piece rolls. Im going for 6!!!

@Oranges w/ Cheese wants it to be winter already: My mom does that too because she used to work at Dairy Queen. She likes to show off that she can still do the curly Q on the top.

I have to admit.. it does impress me.

Its about getting the most value for your money, sirsilly. Sure, mashed potatoes are yummy, but one plate and you're full of about $.40 of material.

@The Porkchop Express: Shhhh.. Keep it down... We can't let on that he is right about something. I'll never sleep again.

@h3llc4t, breaker of office dress codes: +1 for variety. Plus I hate waiting. Aside from the old ladies coughing on the carrot cake and the little kids that seem to enjoy running their hands up and down every single plate in the stack, it's my perfect eating experience.

Didn't Peter gain his own gravitational field on Family Guy? Speaking of which, its lunchtime and there a pizza buffet down the street with my name on it.

@jamesdenver: Thanks. :)

@Loias:

Hyperbole -hy⋅per⋅bo⋅le  Pronunciation [hahy-pur-buh-lee]

-noun Rhetoric.
1. obvious and intentional exaggeration.
2. an extravagant statement or figure of speech not intended to be taken literally, as "to wait an eternity."

@sirwired: What if I prefer crab to honey glazed salmon?

@Loias:

My type 1 diabetic mind understood that as a joke.

@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: I guess they would be iceberg, never looked to be honest. I never go for the greens at a buffet, because Mr. Aroo is, after all, right in his theory.

@tomok97: Type 19 diabetes? OK, there is Type 1 and Type 2. The number does not increase with severity.

You're eating a meal, not buying a mutual fund here. Your criteria should be tastiness and satisfaction, not ingredient cost.

SirWired

@GitEmSteveDave_OverSleptThisMorn: Indeed he did. I tried to fit his "The manager of the buffet was so rude. He came out every hour . . ." into your comment above but I couldnt make it fit.

@The Porkchop Express: Olive Gardens mistake, in my case, is unlimited salad with dinner. I was known to have a bowl delivered for dessert.

@Trai_Dep: You, sir, almost made me spit out my smoothie!

@h3llc4t, breaker of office dress codes: Krab.

@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: As John Pinette so wisely said: "Salad isnt food, salad is the promise that food will be arriving soon."

@The Porkchop Express: Usually buffet salad is always iceberg lettuice.. and that means no fiber.. so it really would be a waste.

@Kimaroo - Fortified with Kittydus Purrularis: or eat the salad last to help the rest of the food "out"

Rule 1: don't talk about all you can eat

Rule 2: Mashed pots and Mac&Cheese are last trip items.

Rule 3: not sure what it is, but it smells good? take one.

Rule 4: try not to stare at the giant guy that is, oddly, eating way less than you.

Rule 5: Try not to stare at that guy half your size that is, oddly, eating twice what you are.

Rule 6: if this is your first all you can eat, you HAVE to eat.

Exit strategy: Leave a tip and waddle out.

All-You-Can-Eat is usually not worth it for me, because I can't eat that much in one sitting. Children's portions are usually just about right for how much I can eat, but it's rare to find a place willing to sell a children's menu item to an adult.

Where All-You-Can-Eat comes in handy is when I'm eating with Mr. Aroo.. aka "The Garbage Disposal".. He likes to eat a lot at once and a lot of different things.. so it works out well. I figure he eats enough to make up for my lack of eating.

His usual strategy is "skip the salad" because.. why bother?

This works very well for me at a Japanese buffet I frequent a few times a year.

Geesh. And I was feeling gluttonous just now for having a sandwich at Cosi this morning, and now drinking a huge smoothie (I got a free smoothie coupon). I can't imagine ever going to a buffet and being able to eat more than one small plate of food, unless it was roasted or grilled vegetables. Then I could be there for hours.

In college we used to raid these palces. Our best manuever was arriving about half-an-hour before dinner. That way you could eat the lunch menu AND the dinner menu. Plus, lunch was typically cheaper so you get more options for less money.

I now weigh 640lbs and have Type 19 Diabetes...but it was worth it. :)