I can't stand this company's ads at all. I don't understand why they think a cartoon bear shitting in the woods and using their toilet paper is any less disgusting than just showing live human beings doing their thing in a bathroom. It's like this campaign was designed by someone on LSD.

"Going to the bathroom" seems almost too euphemistic and genteel. I can understand saying it in a certain context:

"I just passed John on the way in. Where's he headed?"

"He'll be back in a sec. He's going to the bathroom."

But if someone is already IN the bathroom and you're outside trying the doorknob, it sounds sort of stupid for the person behind the door to say "I'm going to the bathroom!"

No, you're not going to the bathroom. You're IN the bathroom USING THE TOILET.

Don't even get me started on people who use this term to describe the actions of animals. Fluffy and Fido did not "go to the bathroom" on your new carpet.

@GitEmSteveDave_FeelsLikeABurningAngel: Not all type 4s are created equal though. Some have different elasticity properties that lend themselves to wanting to stay around.

I guess that's the "sometimes" the dude in the video was talking about...

What I really need is a video on how to wipe my ass. I think there is a better method than backing up to the roll and spinning it against my bottom then scrapping the crap off with a knife.

B. Bidet.

C. Severe constipation so you won't need toilet paper.

@Trai_Dep: Well of course! Had to see if they were using the cartoon bears or ....

@GitEmSteveDave_FeelsLikeABurningAngel: Oh. THAT kind of stool. I should have known. Duh.

How To Wipe Your Ass

Introduction

Wiping one's ass in an art. One that is unique to each and every individual. But even so, I believe the way I do it is best. :P

PART 1 - The Process

First step is, to take a nice dump. For the best results, don't make it runny, because that will effect how efficient you will be able to wipe your behind.

Now you are ready to wipe! How thick or thin your toilet paper is plays an important role in sheet selection. If it is very thin, you may want to take a sheet or two more, but if it is thick, well yeah you get the picture. But anyway, let's assume it's normal thickness. A good amount to pull out for the first wipe is about 4 sheets. (sometimes more if your ass is real nasty from a wet turd)

After pulling out the required amount, you fold it in half longways, twice. This gives you much more strengthening for the first messy wipe. Usually, on the very first wipe, I just do one sweep, and then toss it in. But if you aren't too messy, you could get away with a wipe, folding it in half, and then wiping a 2nd time.

After starting off the first few wipes with 4 sheets, you will be able to go down to just 3 sheets. This will be the normal process. Wipe, fold, wipe, toss. Now if you're lucky, you can get away with 3 wipes in one trip. Wipe, fold, wipe, fold, wipe, BAM 2 points! This requires much care not to get poo on your digits. Only seasoned pros can pull this one off.

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PART 2 - Technique

I don't know what other people do, but when I wipe, I rub it in there a few times nice and hard to get as much as I can in one swipe. Just gotta be careful not to rub too long, or the asshole fairies will nibble on your pinky. :o

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PART 3 - Keep yourself clean!

A very smart thing to do (especially in public toilets) is to lay down toilet paper on the seat before you sit down. I know this seems very stupid to do, but dude, do you really want to rub ass germs with about 100+ other guys? I didn't think so. Also, when flushing (or putting the seat up and down), so as not to get germs on your hands, it's always a good idea to use a sheet of toilet paper when touching the toilet. Another good use for the toilet paper, is that when you are done, it's a good idea to wipe your wang off, instead of relying on just shaking. That way, you can avoid any and all pee stains you might get in your underoos.

And finally...... WASH YOUR FREAKING HANDS EVERY TIME!!!! Thank you.

"Toilet paper is archaic and disgusting." Really? SO IS WIPING YOUR ASS WITH A RAG ON A STICK.

If you want to do it right.. then clean with a low flow water hose. Everyone in Asia knows this is the way to clean. Toilet tissue is for drying your butt.. not wiping.

Perhaps some instructions are a good idea? I know a woman in a nursing home, who required the assistance of the staff to use the bathroom. Several FEMALE NURSES attempted to wipe her from back to front. Then again people like that are too stupid to be helped by package instructions.

And on the subject of product without instructions for use what about cigarattes?

Can you imaging contacting Phillip Morris: "Hello, I am an adult and wish to begin smoking. Do you have any intructions, tips or suggestions?"

Dry toilet paper = gross. Toto Washlet FTW. At the very least wet TP! We'd never imagine just wiping our hands on dry paper towels and call them clean, but apparently rubbing excrement into one's posterior is acceptable. I never quite understood this paradox of western culture.

Yeah these things are probably pretty expensive too and you still need like 15 or 20 of them to get clean. Probably 3 for each wipe

Arrggghhhhh! I thought this was going to be a demo of "wiping" for toilet paper's real use. I was scared!

What a horrible movie.

@cunnij98: That's a Charmin trade secret - it's enough when they say it's enough.

Seriously, couldn't we have some real data about the hygienic/bacterial results of each without resorting to standard infomercial tripe of "Oh, this is hard and I'm a complete moron who can't figure out how to hold a fork without my snuggieforkgrips"?

I am a big fan of Tucks medicated butt-wipes. Sometimes you just need a little something extra to feel fresh.

I think the accompanying music would constipate me, however.

There needs to be a video of someone using generic brand tissue, part of it tearing off and adhering to the glob of toothpaste, and the person going "Nooooooo!"

@jkinatl2: Well, toothpaste cleans your mouth, so maybe it cleans your arms too.