It's a parody of personal finance books, and full of all sorts of naughty chicanery that is probably best left laughed about rather than actually done. But perhaps you can get some mileage out of this comedic take on slashing your grocery bills through a mix of extreme price-matching and checkout counter bum-rushing:
]]> Nearly every supermarket nowadays runs a price-matching program meant to satisfy customers' nagging suspicion that they're charging more than the competition for a lot of their stuff. The policy is present more as a security blanket than anything else, set in place by corporate bigwigs who figure not enough customers will actually go through the labor-intensive process to save a few cents off their pinto beans and slash into their stores' profit margins.This way of thinking makes a lot of sense. To make sure you're saving the maximum amount, you need to jot down an ironclad shopping list, obsessively scan every newspaper ad, and then set up a spreadsheet that helps you annotate the ads with the pertinent low prices at each store. Do all that, and you're rewarded with the opportunity to make everyone standing in line behind you want to shoot you in the back of the head because you're holding things up by making the cashier verify each price.
But, there is another way: a way that skips several of the steps and saves you more money than even the most anal-retentive, price-match maven.
Here's what you'll need: a stack of sticky notes, a pen, and an armful of glossy grocery store ads. Lug all that into the shopping cart and you're in business. Affix one of your Post-its to every non-store-brand item you come across, then name your own price, making sure to deduct a substantial but not-quite-insane amount from the price tag. You use the pen to jot down the "price-matched" figure you're willing to pay for each item, and you can even go the extra mile for feigned authenticity by adding in a random competing store name to each sticky note.
As you approach the front of the checkout line, the checkout lady will immediately attempt to head out on break. But she'll warm to you once she sees how organized you are, and will happily tap your savings into the register. In most cases, the checkout clerk will be so confounded with the hassle she'll approve of all your prices just to keep the line moving.
Only the most bored or crazy checkout folk will sort through that unwieldy stack of ads to verify your sales notations are accurate, or compare your prices with their online database of competitors' sales, but it's still wise to avoid shopping during off-hours in order to avoid empty lines. The busier the store is, the better.
The book also tells you how to save big on engagement rings (buy a cubic zirconium ring and pass it off as a family heirloom), make your milk last longer (after you're done with your cereal, poor it back into the carton) and cut down on your tobacco and lung cancer budget (don't smoke).
If that kind of thing is your bag, I won't stop you from joining the book's Facebook group.
Does anyone out there have any funny, obscenely frugal tips that are too embarrassing to use in real life?
Required reading [New York Post]
]]>Here's an idea for free frozen yogurt:
[www.youtube.com]
;)
]]>@BOO_BOO_HOFF: there was a HUGE fraud case involving a group moving cans and bottles to michigan to try to take advantage of the higher return rate. It came out of michigan's reserves, instead of the proper state ... it really does mess things up on a large scale.
]]>@jamesdenver: I save foil as well but I cringe at your room temperature method. There is always trace bacteria, so I fold the foil in the fridge and use later.
]]>@JamieSueAustin: Yup, I wash and reuse Ziploc bags all the time. I also have one of those seal-a-meal things, and those bags are so ungodly $$$$ I always wash and reuse those, so, while I'm there, I do the Ziplocs, too. Doesn't everybody?
My ultimate cheap tip: When we order take-out pizza, I save the CLEAN top flap of the box, and cut out circles to use as cake cardboards, as needed, with a box knife. (Ever see the price on a set of these things?!?!) The bonus is, if I'm making a funky shaped cake, I can cut the cardboard to compliment it! They get covered in foil usually, so who's the wiser?
]]>@pecan 3.14159265: That's what really matters. I wasn't really trashing you specifically, just trying to make the point that it is what you MAKE of it, not how much it cost. It should be an intimate, fun celebration of love and a new beginning spent with those who are closest to you. People who have weddings for a guest list of 500 (plus their mail carrier and newspaper boy) need to have their heads examined, really. That's not what it should be about. But then, there's always those women who have been subscribing to Bride's magazine since they were 12, and that goes right out the window.
]]>What can used tampons be used for?
Teabags for vampires.
]]>I have yet to have the cajones to do this, but I know people who do on a regular basis.
]]>@quail: No, no. The REAL hardcore readers used the MAGAZINE.
]]>@JamieSueAustin: MORE than enough.
]]>@weazel662: *shrug* it's what you make of it, I agree. We wanted the best photography team we could afford, and we got it. Things cost more where we live. $3,500 wouldn't have paid for our whole wedding. We didn't have friends with historical homes or large backyards in beautiful countrysides, and we didn't want a church wedding because we weren't part of a church. It could have been cheaper, sure, but it wouldn't have been better. We're happy with what we did. We still have friends tell us they really enjoyed eating our wedding cake, and we have family even now telling us they looked at all of our wedding photos again and they really love them.
]]>@speedwell, avatar of snark: Diva Cup. 'nough said.
]]>@calquist: Huh... We are way different people... I specifically asked for a cheap silver ring for my engagement ring because I have silver rings that are over 15 years old now that are in good shape. I didn't see the point in buying something expensive that could get lost or damaged when the silver holds up fine.
]]>@pecan 3.14159265: We spent a total of $3,500 on our wedding. People who attended said it was the best one they ever went to, and are still comparing other ones to ours, and ours still wins, so I hear. It's not the cost, but what you do to make the day fun for everybody, and thinking "outside the box" makes it all the more memorable.
Some acquaintances of ours, years back, inherited $10,000 from a deceased relative that they planned to either use for their wedding, or a down payment on a house. Stupidly, they chose the wedding. And probably wasted much more than that living in rentals until they could save up for a down payment on their own.
]]>2) Summer camp costs are exorbitant. Camps charge these rates for the peace of mind of your sending your children to be cared for by other, responsible adults in a generally same-sex environment, far from home (but close enough for visits and phone calls), filled with supervised tasks which they'd never do when at home. At the end, your adorable lil' scamps have many exciting tales to share with classmates upon their return, and possibly an enhanced social reputation and possibly the learning of new, useful skills.
Juvenile Hall offers many of these same benefits, but these fools don't charge anything for the experience! What bozos!
So, for the price of one phone call (okay, and perhaps one socially tense Thanksgiving), drop a dime on your kid. Years later, you'll laugh together at all the exciting times your savvy thinking afforded them.
Don't let the fact that you're cursed with well-behaved, law-observing children make you miss the boat. Children often lack worldly experience and many of them trust their parents and close relatives. This makes it a snap to frame them for crimes they were too chicken (or ethical) to commit in the first place. Particularly especially young children (Balloon Boy: I'm talking to you!)
If the crime you're setting up lil' Jimmy or darling Dora to take the fall for has remunerative possibilities, you'll find not only is free vacation taken care of, it's as though someone is paying YOU to send your kids off for the summer!
@TCama: I do it with zipper bags all the time. As long as they didn't have meat in them. Wash 'em, put them on an overturned glass or bottle to dry, use them again (mostly for sorting craft bits.)
]]>If it's yellow, let it mellow - if it's brown, flush it down. Works in our house.
]]>@TCama: They make a plastic bag drier gadget for these people. How many plastic bags do you imagine it costs?
]]>OMG that's great! I'm never searched at the park though, they just look at women and let them go. So next time I'm going to strap stuff to my body (like that old horrible taco bell commercial w/the boy pretending to be pregnant).
]]>@RandomHookup:
YES! I am still waiting on my god damned childhood pony!
It was a major fundraising activity in my high school robotics team (live in Pennsylvania near the New York border.
]]>@SJActress: As are people.
]]>@floraposte: All I want for Christmas is a composter. Sigh.
]]>I actually have "funny, obscenely frugal tips that are too embarrassing to use in real life" but I'm too embarrassed to mention them.
Case in point: a little gaily printed flannel, a little cotton wadding, a little waterproof fabric, a couple snaps, and a half hour's worth of sewing. Then, after use, a bucket with water and enzyme detergent and that all-important item, a well-fitting lid.
If you're enough of a hippy, you'll never buy those wasteful disposable feminine products again.
I went as far as making these and I just laugh every time I look at them. Hell, I squirm out of diapering babies.
]]>:)
]]>@lvixen: Like treimel said, simulated diamonds may look like real diamonds, but if you know what it is and you're cool with it, it's fine. But cubic zirconia wouldn't fool many people.
]]>Write a cool, trendy self-help book by inducing all your friends to contribute an idea apiece. People are always happy to share their opinions. They'll be so happy to see their ideas in print, they'll consider it well worth the royalty pittance they might have gotten.
Just kidding :D
]]>@lvixen:
Getting better does not mean "the same" Took me all of about an afternoon of shopping before I could spot the fakes with accuracy.
]]>Always wait to use the restroom until you get in to work in the morning. Also, always use the restroom before you leave work at night. This saves on both bathroom tissue and water expenses.
You think I'm joking, but I'm not.
]]>Have you no conscious?!?!
]]>@Hoss: No pony?
]]>My horribly cheap-ass boss from a previous job at a now out-of-business computer store would send employees down to the local place to price match an item when we were out of stock yet had orders to fill.
He'd set the website to show stock, lower the price by 30 - 40%, and be ready to answer the phone the the other store came calling to double check.
*sigh* Only worked there about 3 months. Quit once they stopped paying for lunch breaks, yet expected me to serve customers while I ate lunch.
]]>And carry a ventriloquists' dummy and make him steal the stuff - only if he has a disguise, though.
]]>@GuinevereRucker: We spent $10k or more on our wedding. Our share as a couple was probably $3,500 when all was said and done. We could have had it in someone's backyard, but it wasn't what we wanted, and if it's not what you want, it's money wasted, no matter how much you save. Anyway, the majority of the cost was due to the venue and a good portion of it went to the photography team (which I do not regret paying for at all). Other than that, we more or less hand made our favors, spent relatively little on flowers and a cake (but it was oh so good cake), and negotiated the hell out of everything.
]]>Around here grocery stores don't have price matching policies though, most retail stores don't have them either. Kmart and Toys R Us used to price match but they do not anymore.
]]>@tekkierich: They were affected, but not nearly as much as other countries. I don't attribute their behavior directly to any Depression-era experiences. I think they were just very, very stingy, in a family in which saving and scrimping was already encouraged.
]]>What country was this that was not affected by the world wide depression of the 1930's?
]]>My grandmother -- now long gone -- would make birthday cards out of the white cardboard from nylon packages. She didn't attempt to draw anything or write a poem - you got just the white card with a sentence in Italian. But there was cash inside, so no harm, no foal
]]>That said, I do question the status quo a lot, and the whole diamond thing is weird. Just like spending $10k on a wedding is weird. If I was a lady, I think the romantic part of me would appreciate the hard work my beau put into giving me a beautiful ring - the frugal part would wish that money was spent on a down payment for our house.
]]>@TBGBoodler: That made me laugh like CRAZY!
]]>@calquist: Yep. Some people have longer engagements because they're trying to figure out the financial side. It's vital to talk about that stuff before getting engaged. If you're not on the same page, financially, or have the same goals, or can balance your two different ways of spending, you're in trouble.
]]>We used to save seltzer bottles for my in-laws when they came to visit, as there was no deposit in PA where we live, but they could get a nickel for each one in NY where they lived.
The money gained may have paid for part of their toll on the Verrazano (when the trunk was full).
(There was a Seinfeld episode on the same theme, where Kramer and Newman took bottles from NY to MI in Newman's mail truck, since they got a dime in MI.)
]]>@RecordStoreToughGuy_IsBeing(pur)SuedByAMonster: I know a lot of older people do this regardless of where or during what era in which they grew up. My grandparents are all immigrants, so there was no "depression era" for them - but their families were always very frugal, to the point of ridiculousness, even when they had money, so I can see how they came to collect squares of paper towels in kitchen drawers.
]]>phil's advice might just work. or you might get the ragu broken over your head. i'm thinking it's a 50/50.
]]>There's a checker at the local WallyWorld, who used to be a computer programmer at the state mental hospital. He claims to know ALL the sale prices for ALL the items in ALL the competitors' ads. You don't have to ask him for price matches; he just gives them to you, out of his head, without ever picking up a sale paper to verify amounts. He overrides the price on probably 90% of the items he rings up.
But don't you dare question him about the accuracy of his pricing, much less complain about how long checkout is taking. He glares at you angrily and says, "Do you want to save money, or not?"
You pay for the price savings in your time. It takes him 20 to 30 seconds to scan an item and change its price--I timed him one day. My 50- to 60-item basket took well over 20 minutes to check out. (That doesn't count time spent waiting my turn.)
The stay-at-home moms and off-shift workers, who have time to shop during the day, love him.
]]>@pecan 3.14159265: Agreed.
On the other hand.. Diamonds are bad. If I ever hit my head really hard and get married again I would want a good old grubby Flea Market ring.
I like old crap. :o)
]]>@SkokieGuy: Can I just mention that paper towels are bad for the planet?
K, thanks!
]]>When our bag was searched (we had, indeed, try to hide the food under a scarf or something), the man doing the search looked in and said, "You can't take sandwiches in there!" My husband yelled in his booming voice, "Those aren't sandwiches... those are her FEMININE NAPKINS!"
The man's face turned white and he ushered us quickly past. That's when we decided to throw some tampons and napkins in the bag every week and make sure we go through a line with a man searching bags. Works like a charm: they never ask, they just glance inside and move us along!
]]>@bohemian: I find your comment presumptive. I'm not obsessed with diamonds. They're pretty, sure, but I'd rather have a good book than a nice diamond bracelet. However...if my husband tried to pass off a cubic zirconia as a diamond, you bet I'd be really, really upset. It's about the dishonesty.
]]>I reuse paper towels if it's for something on disgusting like covering a microwave dish or just wiping up some water or coffee grounds. (When I don't just use a regular towel.)
Tin foil I'm very stingy with. Most dishes you cover don't gunk up the underside, so I just fold it up and put it back next to my tin foil roll.
]]>@pecan 3.14159265: I clearly must be your grandmother. I use paper towels and glass cleaner to wipe my glasses. Since the towel only gets slightly moist and not very dirty, I leave the barely used towel by the windex bottle for the next day's cleaning. I might use the same square of towel for a week.
I will now begin practicing barking 'get off my lawn'.
]]>@Smashville_now with Monster Energy: What disguise should you use if you're like me and have a beard and glasses?
]]>Seems like a great idea, if you have no pride.
]]>@Oranges w/ Cheese wants it to be winter already: Hence the big bold "parody".
]]>I'd much rather use rags and throw them in the washing machine at the end of the day.
]]>And I'd imagine that pouring your milk back into the carton creates all sorts of nasty bacteria - you've been adding your saliva to the spoon and you've just contaminated the whole jug with it when you pour it back in - plus my cereals always make my milk flavored. I don't want my entire jug tasting like fruity pebbles.
]]>I just put on a fake beard and glasses, park my car out of range of security cameras and shoplift from places that don't allow employees to confront shoplifters.
]]>The tip on price matching made me laugh, cause I'm sure someone's going to try it. And I'm pretty sure it'll work at least once. That said, I don't condone it because it's shady and jerkish behavior. Also, people in line will really, really hate you for it.
One really obscenely frugal tip is to save paper towels. If you wipe your mouth only once or use a piece of paper towel to wipe your hands after washing them, fold the paper towel, dry it, and save it. My grandma used to do it all the time, and I'm surprised we didn't snap and throw out all the remnants. As long as she never gave us any piece of previously used paper towel, we were good with her "old person" quirk. My grandpa would sneeze once into a tissue and tuck it back into his pocket. Ugggh.
]]>That said, he also advocates not using watches anymore. No. I will not stop wearing watches and in fact will probably buy more watches.
]]>