Being single, and poor I couldn't afford to call a tow truck so I looked up the nearest auto parts store and I proceeded to walk the nearly one mile in the heat with the blonde in tow to purchase new batteries for our vehicles. Let me tell you, that heat really sucked but not as bad as carrying that battery back with my bare hands in the heat back to my car. The blonde chose to wait at the parts for her husband but I had to get to work and couldn't wait. I had blisters for a few days after that one..

My car battery just die 2 days ago. I have a Mazda 6s 2007 brough it in 2007 Aug. Since then I love that car. Fun to drive until 2 days ago. Got up in the morning get in to the car and turn the key. Next thing you know is it won't start. Get my multimeter out and check the battery and found "11.58V"... Lovely... Call AAA, got it jump start and ran to a Auto store and buy a new battery for $82.99 . Install it by myself and there you go. My car back up and runing. 1 minute later found out the auto windows not working. Check out owner manual and have found I need to reset the windows as well. Thank god at least I don't have to go back to dealership.

After accounting for the differences in efficiency between power plants & car engines, plus accounting for grid losses, an all-coal-fired-electric car has ~ the same carbon emissions per mile as a gas-powered prius.

In the US, coal and natural gas account for ~70% of all electricity. So, an electric car already has carbon emissions about 35% lower than a gas powered one. Plus, it automatically gets cleaner as the our energy mix changes. Also, it is easier to handle other emissions- particulates, sulfur, and so on- at centralized, stationary power plants than in millions of cars.

So yes, comparatively speaking, it is very environmentally friendly.

Take it from the guy who's repaired and restored lots of cars, and has removed the battery from running cars and seen them keep running.

[1]ok, so the battery does even out the voltage load/excess within the system so without it the alternator can overload circuits and cause premature failures, but not immediately.

Adding insult to injury, the replacement battery they sold me turned out to be a bum unit and would not hold a charge. This led to fun and games of jumping the vehicle every time I came home for business. Thankfully the bum unit was under warranty and I got the dealer to switch it out. No problems since.

But let's assume for a moment that you want to drive your electric vehicle in West Virginia where most of their electricity is generated from coal. You can still expect a 60% lower carbon impact by driving your coal-powered EV than by operating a petrol-powered vehicle. Don't forget that utility grade energy production versus consumer grade energy production is inherently more efficient since the power utilities have more to lose by running a poorly maintained and thus inefficient generator. The consumer vehicle is not going to be nearly as well maintained as the utility's coal-fired generator. And since most of the world is moving towards renewables instead of away from them these figures will improve over time with the adoption of plug in vehicles. (Sources: [green.autoblog.com] and [my.epri.com] )

The thing about a plug-in electric vehicle is that it is fuel-neutral. It doesn't care if you put coal or solar in it. Which is what makes this an ideal solution for the future as our power grids move towards cleaner energy sources. You probably wouldn't buy a computer that could only run software from one vendor (let's say Microsoft for example) so would you buy a car that can only run one source of fuel (petroleum) if you had another choice?

I wasn't so lucky last year after I got t-boned by an idiot college student. He smashed my driver-side doors so badly that they wouldn't open (doors or windows). However, I soon learned that the smashed doors weren't hitting the "door closed" triggers, causing the interior light to stay on all night long and draining the battery. I had to convince the garage assistants to let me through the gate with my then-fiance's car to jump it, and it took a good half-hour. All that just so I could drive it out to meet the other guy's insurance adjuster to have the damage inspected. Fun times.

My parents and I are driving my mom's '97 Pontiac Grand Am SE to Orlando from Fort Walton Beach, FL for my College Orientation. We're packed for a weekend of travel. The drive itself is about 7 hours at the speed limit. We had just stopped at Lake City to gas up and have lunch. About an hour south of Lake City (around Leesburg, FL) the car starts acting weird, the cruise control stops working and the radio keeps cutting out. Finally all the lights on the dash flash on and I have to pull over into a weigh station. We call roadside assistance and spend 3 hours waiting for Enterprise rent-a-car at the local Pontiac Dealership. We finally get to Orlando though...

1st worst Battery / Alternator experience:

Because of this previous experience, I knew how to diagnose battery / alternator problems. In 2005 I was driving home to Fort Walton from Orlando. About 45 minutes outside of Gainesville my check engine light flips on. About 5 minutes later (it was drizzling at the time) I notice the dash lights flickering on, the wipers are going slower and slower, and the voltage meter on the dash keeps going lower. So I pull over - under about 30mph it seems like the alternator kicks back in and everything is fine (but I've still got 5 hours of 70mph driving ahead of me). I pull into a service station and they hook up a tester and say "Your alternator is working fine, we've got 12v coming out of it." Exasperated I continue on and reach Gainesville. Again, the car functions fine at sub 30mph speeds and when restarted at an AutoZone, their tester says the same thing and the guy sends me on my way. By this point, my mom is on her way to join me in Tallahassee. I turn off EVERYTHING I can, no wipers, no lights, no AC, no radio and manage to make it to Tallahassee. But by now it is dark. So I end up driving the 3 hours from Tallahassee to home on the interstate with no headlights, no wipers, basically just following my mom's tail lights. I have no idea how we didn't get pulled over.

Ended up being a faulty alternator and voltage regulator.

@DoubleEcho: Battery heater pad or even engine block heater might help?

I remember having to jump off my old Dodge Omni in -5°F weather with my fathers pickup. Something about having 10-40 weight oil.

Sad thing was that we think it killed some of the frozen gear teeth on the engine side. It gradually got a place where the starter wouldn't engage- only spin freely- until you manually cranked the engine past that section with a rachet and long extension on the bolt head of the belt pulley at the end of the crankshaft...

One dark very cold January night in the mid-90's when I was 17, I spent the evening out dancing at First Ave in Minneapolis with friends and then headed back home to Western Wisconsin.

Most of the way home, the alternator died on my 1980 Pontiac LeMans Safari station wagon. The hazards didn't work (dead battery)and the only thing on the car that would turn on was the dome light. I was not dressed for winter weather, had no cell phone, and there wasn't anything besides fields for a few miles in either direction.

45 minutes later, a very nice state trooper stopped to check the car- only because I had turned on the dome light. He must have felt pretty sorry for me, because he gave me a blanket and drove me home to Wisconsin.

@joeblevins:

Want to add that my insurance Allstate was great and helpful. Walmart was NOT to blame. It was 100% me being stupid. Even my local shop was great.

Last month my battery died in my 2007 Jeep Wrangler, it has 60k miles so it isn't outragous. Well, it had died in a dark parking lot under a tree at 9pm. I figured, hey, I am a smart guy. So I took a trip to Walmart and bought the battery that matched mine. I got back to my car and started to install it. During this time I have 2 kids screaming (Now 10:30pm and they sleep around 9pm) and my wife holding a flashlight like a conductors baton. I put the battery in and hooked up the terminals... Backwards. That Jeep starting screaming and whistling at me. Fire and sparks are flying. The final bill was about 1500 bucks. The battery harness completely melted and it fried my Air Conditioning. Fortunatly it didn't fry the computer. I found out later that it killed my trailer brake controller too. Lesson learned - ALWAYS double check terminals. They were on the battery opposite of the physical configuration of my OEM battery but were marked correctly.

Good idea! If you don't want to feel the music, at least feel the battery!

For less than $85 (when they are on a good sale, got mine for $50), you can purchase an OBD2 reader that will tell you the codes. If you're lucky, the manual that came with it will help you decipher them. The readers usually also have a reset button.

Don't pay diagnostic fees at a garage unless they are actually representative of the cost. It takes less than 5 minutes, so if the shop time is $100/hr, that's about $15 - $20 (We'll assume the [large amount] extra is to pay for the better OBD2 reader, because the dealer shouldn't be buying the cheap-ass $50 consumer grade one).

I got my reader because there's an emissions sensor that leaves the service engine soon light on permanently during the summer. The car passes government emissions tests, so I'm just checking it (and, futilely, erasing it for the 5 minutes of good it does) occasionally to see if a new code that I actually need to worry about pops up.

I found out the hard way last winter that a 2003 Mazda Protege's stock battery will not start the car in minus 15 degree temperatures. The car only had 27,000 on the odometer at the time too. Everything about that car I love, except for the stock battery (and stock tires, worthless in the winter).

Now, my wife's shitty '98 Mercury Mystique? That started right up every day, no matter the temp, and her battery looks like it's older than dirt.

Fortunately, one of my coworkers took pity on me and went and got me a battery and put it in on his lunch hour. He's a sweetie. He'll never admit it, but he is. :)

If you're lucky and it isn't a sealed battery, you can get a hydrometer and check for yourself the health of the battery (instructions are likely to be printed on it; you can build your own easily but they aren't expensive enough to make it worth it). Some sealed batteries will have a window and instructions beside it so you can still check (although how much you can trust those, well, that's up to you).

Also, check it with a voltmeter while starting the car (This will be easier with an analog meter and two people). The battery should read at least 9.6 volts. With the car off the voltage should be at least 11 volts for a healthy battery. With the car running, the voltage will be much higher, perhaps around 13 or 14 volts if your alternator is healthy (if it doesn't read any higher than the non-running voltage, your alternator is bad).

If your battery is passes all these, you're winner!

And if the battery isn't sealed, don't forget to top it up with distilled water...

Dodge Neon battery that freaked out an AutoZone worker and probably spawned its own urban legend:

Background: Around about 1999 I had to take my Dodge Neon back to the dealer who had to repair some bad body work they had done -5- years prior (a complete other story). Got a loaner 1999 model Neon from the dealer to drive around for the week. Well the loaner's battery conks out so I buy a new battery for it figuring that my '95s battery will eventually go, drive around for the next couple days, then pull the new battery out when I return the loaner to get my '95. I put this "new" battery on a maintenance charger in series with about two or three motorcycle batteries and keep the fluid topped off. I keep this maintenance charger on all the time and the car battery actually helps the motorcycle batteries as it serves as a sink for excess voltage. The charger and batteries live in my homes basement and later apartment's extra room over the years.

So eventually my Neon's battery does go out around year 2000 but I am 300-400 miles from home so I have to buy a new battery and cannot use the one still on the charger.

Story: Fast forward to 2005 and Neons's purchased-away-from-home battery dies so I finally get to take the 1999 bought battery off the charger and install it in the Neon. I know that this battery is already 6 years old by the date that I bought it but I figure who cares - it is free. (I recycle the dead battery.)

I get about 1.5 years out of this battery and it is finally giving out in early 2007. The car was getting it hard to start and finally, I have to roll the car down a hill to start it by popping the clutch. I drive over to an Autozone in torrential rain to buy a battery. I hold an umbrella while a younger guy tests the battery and tells me it is toast. We go back in and I purchase a new battery. We go out to install it with me again holding the umbrella in the rain. The guy gets the old battery unhooked, pulls off the plastic heat shield cover and says "What the hell?" I asked, "Is there something wrong?" He looks at me and says "No, nothing wrong but the date code sticker on this battery is September 1998. There is no way in hell this battery lasted that long." Knowing what the history, I figured I'd play along and said "I guess I remember that the battery was replaced around 1999." The guy said "I can't believe it, this battery lasted 8 years in a Dodge Neon!" I say: "Well, I have over 200,000 miles on the car." He finishes putting in the new battery, takes the 9 year old one and says "I'll have to tell all the guys in the store about this. This is incredible. I can't believe it." I told him, "Sure, you tell all the guys about it." and I left.

Big Foot
Loch Ness Monster
Nine year old battery in a 1995 Dodge Neon

It never qualified for lemon law because the failures were strung out over some time. First tranny went at 1500 miles, second at 30K which was a while later. Other than that (heh minor issue right?) the car was great.

I have since gotten rid of the car. And that battery thing was the last time I let the dealer touch it, except for one last "stick it to em right before the warranty ends" move (a nice new 700.00 leather seat cover because the seat belt was causing the original one to tear).

So far my Nissans/Infinity's have served me well, so when it comes time Ill be headed back to them.

At the bottom of the first hill, my radio stopped playing. I didn't even really notice it at first. It wasn't until I realized the dash lights were out, half a mile from work, that I thought something might be wrong.

As I reached the turn into the office complex, I felt a stiffening in my steering wheel and it dawned on me that the power steering was kaput. Then, as I turned into the parking lot, I discovered that my gas and brakes no longer functioned and by some miracle, coasted to a stop: positioned perfectly in a parking space.

Two weeks later, my check engine light starts going on. The dealership looks, but can't find the fault using their fuel sniffer. So they reset the light and tell me to bring it back in with less than a quarter tank of fuel if the light goes on again. Sure enough, the light went on again, so I brought it back in. They had to take the fuel tank off (that's why they wanted it to be 1/4 or less) and blow smoke through the system before they finally found the problem. What was the fix? Covering it with epoxy.

$500 to have them spread some glue over a part on my car. This is why from now on I'm taking the battery out before I clean corrosion off of it.

The guy at Checker Auto Parts told my dad that they basically recommend people replace their battery every two years in Phoenix because the batteries drop dead so often within that time frame.

They don't make batteries like they used to.

My 2004 van came with a factory option: a deep-cycle second battery (and all the charging infrastructure) for running toys like computers, lights, tvs, fans, etc. inside. Just like a real RV or yacht.

A US company bought that major European battery's company and decided never to make the deep-cycle battery available in the US.

A deep-cycle battery is designed with thicker plates to be charged, uncharged, charged at lot. It's how electric cars will work. Car starter batteries don't like to be discharged at all.

The battery is a non-standard size (meaning it's the size that fits almost all Mercedes, BMWs, Audis and Porches. And it's designed to be safe inside the cabin.

With the coming of a standard car that will run 40 - 100 miles without needing to start an engine the main problem will be the battery company, not the battery.

Luckily battery technology patents are being bought by oil companies. So this will all end well.

For me, I just bought the $80 starter battery as a substitute. In a pinch it can be pulled and used as a starter battery in any good German car or van. I can throw the battery away three times and buy another one before it approaches the cost of freighting a battery from Europe.

(Why does it die in the first place? Because he can only concentrate on one thing at a time, and if that thing is, say, "Big motion that'd due today" that thing is NOT "turn off my headlights when I park.")

I had an alternator fail while driving back from Philadelphia to Hartford. Fortunately I was caravaning with a friend, so we put the dead battery in the car with a good alternator, and the good one in the car with a bad alternator. Our plan was to keep swapping them back and forth as needed, with the one car charging a battery while the other car drained the other one.
The car with the bad alternator blew up it's transmission 75 miles later, but that's another story.

@chrisexv6: Methinks you got a lemon.

@pyehac: That reminds me of one time right after I had gotten my old car back from the shop. It had started to storm really badly and the wipers were on full wipey mode. I was driving down the street trying to see 10 feet in front of me when I realize that my car won't accelerate. I could brake, but not accelerate at all, and when I tried, the lights flickered and nothing happened. I was finally able to coast my car into an empty turn lane, and turn the engine off. I was so scared I was going to get stuck in the rain and someone was going to have to drive in it to come get me. Luckily, I turned the engine and it worked, and the car seemed perfectly fine after that. I still have no idea what happened, but maybe someone else does.

@NobleCrayfish: The one in my old car lasted 7 years, but then it crapped out on me after dinner and we had to have it towed. So like nullrout says, please look into preventitive maintenance!

@Laura Northrup: My car once broke down just as I was pulling into a parking space at work. I was very lucky, but freaked out at the prospect of being marooned at work (it was just me and someone else that day).

@NobleCrayfish:

That's great and all but you might want to eat the 70 bucks and do a bit of preventitive maintenance...might save you from being stranded somewhere you don't want to be stranded.

@NobleCrayfish: The battery in my 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee (just traded it in via CARS program... bless its soul) lasted 11 years!

I got my truck (an '02 Nissan Frontier) in 2005 w/ about 50,000 miles on it, and it seemed like it was in pretty good condition. It ran fine, did everything fine like a normal truck's supposed to.

One day I was driving back home from a friend's house when my power went out to everything! Frantic, and immediately realizing that something was wrong, I pulled over just in time to see a big puff of smoke escape my engine vent.

I popped the hood, fire extinguisher in hand and prepared to douse the flames before my investment burned itself to the ground. When the smoke cleared, it turned out that the batter clamp had come loose, and had bridged the positive and negative terminals melting through the plastic housing and exposing the internal acid to my car's electrical wiring.

I had to drive back to my friend's house, being extremely careful not to let too much acid spill out destroying my trucks insides. Detach the battery, douse the entire inside compartment with baking soda and hose it off a bit, then came the fun part.

After assessing the damage, I came to find that the acid hadn't done too much damage to the hard plastic shell that was my fusebox, and didn't burn through the intake or anything vital. It seems that the only damage was the melted wiring coming out of the electrical housing. So I pulled out a large roll of electrical tape, and did my best to insulate the wires individually, then bundle them back up together nice and neat. After a quick trip to Kragen's and a battery and (battery clamp) later, my truck was running fine again. But to think that one $10 part was able to cause so much havoc was maddening.

I would urge others to make sure that their battery clamps are securely fastened, and that they don't conduct electricity >_>

56 Ford station wagon with a V8 engine.
Punched the gas to do a burn out and when the engine revved a fan blade broke off. The blade went through the battery, hit the fender well, came back through the battery at a different angle, then hit something and was deflected down to shear off the radiator petcock.

The battery ended up in three pieces and the acid went everywhere.

We managed to fix the radiator and get it running again, but then a couple of weeks later the electrical problems started. Most of the wiring was cloth insulated and deteriorated over a short time creating multiple shorts. The car ended up junked.

This is probably one of the very few cases of battery failure by sudden destruction and NOT caused by any type of electrical failure.

So yeah, one battery change is easily 200+ dollars, and that's getting the battery at a pretty good deal. Fortunately the shop we took it to took pity on us and gave us a nice deal on the labor, but yeah, -ugh-. Especially in a clunker that needs to just be put out of it's misery, but we can't afford to do that just yet.

When I was 12 we was driving from Ohio to Florida we was around Macon Georga. The year was 1973, the Cadallac's battery light came on, my dad gets out pops the hood, sure enough the alternator belt broke. He tells my mom to take off her pantyhose. He cuts them up stretches them out and runs them around the pulleys ties the two ends together, and we drove all the way home on the pantyhose belt.

(it's in the trunk on my Z4 too)

I have, many many times in my life, left the dome light on and had to jump start. Never once had an issue with charging it back up by driving around.

i checked the circuits and discovered the alarm system had been wired by the previous owner to not go off [because the remote had been lost] and it was looping back into itself. had the alarm removed, recharged the new battery, it lasted another 3 years.

About three years ago I went to start my Benz and nothing happened. I turned the radio on and it was dead so I pretty much knew it was a dead battery. I opened the hood (Bonnet) and I saw that the left side of the battery (don't remember the brand) was completely split apart to the bottom and all the acid had leaked out and it wasnt even winter.
I had to spend the next hour flushing the area with water and pouring baking soda on it to neutralize the acid residue.

It just occurred to me that when the battery used to start dying, the alarm would chirp every few minutes. I can't recall it doing that in a few years now.

20 years from now, I'm going to be the old lady with a classic car in the garage with only 20,000 miles on it. But I'll be damned if I'll let it go for $100.

I'm at 6 years now... the battery in my last car died after about 3 years I think

I drove my brother to work one day in my 90 dodge caravan (was my moms, but then mine). The battery seemed to die just as I got to an advance. They tested the battery and said it was dead and so I bought a new one. I went to work as a pizza delivery boy and went fine all night. I didn't have a radio in the van so nothing but the car to use the battery. That night when I went home I was about 2 blocks away when I noticed that the lights were barely even on. I just glided my way into my driveway because the battery died.

Next day my dad jumps me and so we go to advance. I don't even make it there. I made it just a little past where my lights dimmed the night before. After getting the battery charged at advance we drove there and tested the altinator as bad.

Pick up car, drive home. Next say SRS (airbag) light comes on. bring car back to dealer "sorry 85.00 diag fee to find out why, and possibly up to 600.00 to reset the light depending on why".

2 days later battery dies. Picked up a new battery using a different vehicle, go to install it in the Honda and find the brilliant service personnel didnt tighten the positive battery cable. Swap new battery in just because, tightened cables fired up car and SRS light magically disappeared.

I drove my 1989 Olds 98 from 2001 until about 2 weeks ago with two batteries total. I'm sold on that brand and will always buy it: Exide. The one I started with was the premium battery that has dual terminals, and I accidentally replaced it with a similar one that was 2 sizes bigger. I never worried about batteries. The first lasted over 5 years and I have no doubt the second will, too.

The replacement happened on a very cold day, the day after Christmas, 2004. The car turned over 3 times very slowly and caught. I drove straight to the store for a new one. Couldn't have been at a better time: I had Christmas money, I was in my driveway, and I had 2 roommates if it hadn't started.

One thing I did learn was that when the battery is dead - my Mazda3 doesn't have power steering - or barely any steering.

On the way back, after a couple hours of driving, the battery warning light came on. We weren't really sure what the cause was, since the car and the electrical equipment in the car were working just fine.

By a few hours later, as we passed Baltimore, we noticed the radio and dashboard backlights dimming a little bit. Naturally, as a 9-year-old, I was scared to death because what would happen if the car suddenly failed?!

About 40 miles from home, the headlights were so dim that other drivers were flashing their lights at us thinking we had ours off. The horn didn't work. The windshield wipers were idle. The radio wouldn't play, and there was no ambient light within the car.

My mom was practically praying "oh please just let us get close to home."

Someone must have heard those prayers.

After driving for at least five hours with the battery-warning light on, and for the last hour with nothing but a motor, steering and brakes, our car stalled as we pulled into the parking lot next to our apartment.

My mother taught me the definition of fortuitous on that evening. I never forgot it.

Incidentally, the battery was actually a champ. The alternator had failed!

When that battery dies you can't start your car anymore and the computer goes all wonky. The sucky part - this battery can die if you don't drive for awhile. Apparently there is a pretty steep idle draw.

So a few years back my battery had gotten weak and an ice storm kept me working at home for a week. Went to start the car -- nothing.

Interestingly the 12V battery in this Prius is in the trunk so when I got a jump start you hook up the jumper cables in the trunk. Makes it easy to jump in a driveway when you park head-in.

Come to find out when the car detects less than 8 volts when started, it puts the transmission in "failsafe mode" so it can be driven to safety without damaging the transmission. This explains why I had problems when it was cold, and then again when I was starting it with the A/C always on (along with radio and satellite radio). They replaced the battery and the car has been perfect since.

I thought that I would have a costly repair on my hands, I mean when a transmission won't shift, that is almost never good. Who would have thought that it was just the battery!

This was a 2000 Nissan Sentra.

The battery tested as dead (or something like that, I don't know cars). So we got a new battery....only to have it be determined that the alternator was the culprit and killed the battery. But maybe my memory is inaccurate.

Anyway, you can read about the eventful day I had on my blog: [www.krunk4ever.com]

That episode must have weakened it however, as it died again that winter with nothing to blame it on. I drove up to Rutland Vermont for a ski weekend and left it parked on the street Friday night. Woke up in the morning and went out to start it, got one slow crank and then nothing. I should note that it was -18F that morning and that diesels do NOT like cold, so really require maximum cranking power in that kind of weather.

No problem, I think. After all, I am parked at the top of a large hill. I get it rolling (backwards), pop the clutch in reverse at about 10-15 mph, the front tires lock up on the sand in the road and it slides. I tried again with people pushing downhill, same results. Now I'm at the bottom, so my friend gets his pickup truck to jump the battery. No dice on that either (we're getting cold now, remember, -18F). Apparently the amperage on the battery in the diesels is so high that when you try to jump it off of a gas car, the current actually flows the wrong way. The pickup truck actually sucked up what little juice I had left.

Plan C: AAA. They took 1.5 hours to show up, during which time somebody had to be with the car, since by this time we had done so many roll-starting attempts that we were no longer near the house. At this point, I can't feel my toes. AAA shows up, has enough juice in the super tow truck batteries and is able to get my car started, at which point we filled the entire street with black smoke. Yech.

Kind of wrecked the day, since we got the car started at 11:30. Not really worth heading to the mountain at that point, so we just pointed south and left.

Car won't start. Take car to family mechanic. Family mechanic OPENs the battery, not knowing anything about Optima Batteries (dry cell batteries), sees that it's dry, takes it to the auto shop and trades it out for a $70 crappy battery. Returns car. Lights dim when playing music now...wtfrench? Check battery...this isn't a Optima!

I drove around with a crappy battery for 2 years after that simply because I couldn't afford another Optima Yellow Top. 5 months ago that battery starts to go crappy on me, but I assumed it was the alternator going out because of the high power consumed by the stereo. Got the battery tested, it's going bad. 3 months ago I scrounged up enough cash to get one ($240!), have been happy ever since. Won't need a battery for a looooong looooong time.

Not really about battery failure, but a battery story nonetheless.

With all of the gadgets standard on new cars today, you'd think they would be self-aware enough to come up with some sort of error when the battery is beginning to show signs of failure (e.g., a low voltage after sitting for a given number of hours).

The moral of the story is: never use your alternator as a battery charger. It can't handle it. Buy a $50 ten-amp charger, and use it for its intended purpose.