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Dead Wrestlers Society
August 29, 2007 2:36 PM
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I wish our company had those fancy Bunn makers with the pre-packaged coffee. You are at the mercy of whoever makes the coffee. Some people make it so strong you can't even drink it.


If you want a good laugh, check out the directions on a box of Pop-Tarts.

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Project_J187
February 28, 2009 2:46 AM
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@Dead Wrestlers Society: Your comment reminds me of the time my sister thought she should microwave the poptarts... Still wrapped in the foil.

At least we got a new microwave.

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MauriceCallidice
February 28, 2009 3:34 AM
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@Project_J187: Last time I checked, PopTarts included microwave directions (including to remove wrapping). The recommended time was either 2 or 3 seconds. This seemed like a misprint, so I called the customer service number. The person I spoke to said they kept it low because kids sometimes mistake seconds for minutes. When I asked what a good time actually would be, she got snotty and said I sounded \"like a big boy\" and I could \"figure it out for [myself]\". Thanks a lot, Kellog's.

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Cyclokitty
February 28, 2009 12:35 AM
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@Dead Wrestlers Society:
Now I need to go out and read the directions on a pack of Pop Tarts.

I hope it says something like \"remove pop tarts from wrapper, place in toaster\". I can only imagine the look on some litigious knucklehead's face when his toaster blows up after cramming wrapped pop tarts into one slot.

Or maybe it's the 3rd degree tongue burns from ignoring \"warning: pop tarts will be hot\".

One can dream!

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AustinTXProgrammer
February 28, 2009 12:26 AM
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@Dead Wrestlers Society: We have a setup that is nearly identical (Same machine, similar prepackaged coffee). One pack is a bit weak so many people use 2, and we still have the same problem.

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dabub
February 27, 2009 10:42 PM
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@Dead Wrestlers Society: Then add hot water, essentially what you are doing when you make weak coffee. I hate the reverse, people that make coffee so watery its worse then the average mcdonalds/denny's coffee colored water. Unfortunately I can't remove water.

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drjayphd
February 27, 2009 10:07 PM
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@Dead Wrestlers Society: Send those people to the VNA where I used to work... they made coffee that made slightly rusty water taste like Starbucks.

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spinachdip
August 29, 2007 2:39 PM
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These people are seriously passive-aggressive, inconsiderate, thick, or all of the above. You know something's wrong with your corporate culture when you have to send out a step-by-step instruction on how to perform a simple task and not be an asshole to other co-workers.

Which is to say, this is a typical American workplace. Comcast, they're just like us!

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drdom
February 28, 2009 3:41 PM
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@spinachdip: Actually, there's a very good reason for this, as stupid as it seems. A company in Kansas or Missouri somewhere fired an employee for doing something unspeakably nasty to the office coffee. The guys was trying to get fired so he could collect unemployment. They obliged him by terminating his ass.

The company contested his eligibility for unemployment benefits, saying he was fired for cause. The state ultimately ruled in favor of the fired employee, saying that in the absence of a written policy, they could not enforce unwritten rules.

As has been stated before, 1 lawyer for every 211 people in this country is probably a few too many. Decisions like this one, made by an administrative law judge, just prove my point.

I hope there's also a Spanish language version of there instructions. Otherwise, if anyone in your office is Spanish speaking, don't drink the coffee.

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Elvisisdead
February 28, 2009 7:08 PM
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@drdom: Nice. If there's someone you work with that can't speak or read english, yet is still in an office environment, drink away. Help yourself to the flubber pancakes and a unicorn ride home while you're at it. Those don't exist either.

In my college dorm, where everyone could speak and read english and was at least top 25% of their class, there were written directions for the kitchenette. Didn't stop someone from putting a turd in a styrofoam cup and microwaving it. There will always an asshole that doesn't respect the social contract, no matter what language they speak.

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zibby
March 2, 2009 2:30 PM
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@Elvisisdead: So were the results of this microwave atrocity about as bad as I'm imagining right now?

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Eyebrows McGee (now with double the baby!)
February 28, 2009 1:16 AM
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@spinachdip: I'd need instructions. I've never made a pot of coffee in my life. Don't drink it, but I'd be happy to brew a pot if I happened to be the first guy in that morning. If I knew how.

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Colage
February 28, 2009 1:11 AM
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@spinachdip: You may deserve an award for the most obtuse \"America sucks\" logical leap.

Second, \"Official Policy\"? It looks more like instructions written on top of their default letterhead, probably by a clerical worker who had extra time. Official policy is usually distributed by HR.

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Corporate_guy
February 27, 2009 10:17 PM
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@spinachdip: The problem is people who have never made coffee before trying it at work and never drinking it otherwise. They don't know how to make it.

All work places have probably dealt with this.

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donopolis
March 2, 2009 3:54 PM
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@Corporate_guy:
No, the people who never drink the coffee should never be held accountable for making it. The problem is the the inconsiderate people who do drink coffee, but believe that making more, or sometimes, even cleaning up after themselves, is somehow beneath their station.

Donopolis

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Corporate_guy
March 3, 2009 7:16 AM
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@donopolis: I meant people who never drank coffee before who started at work and only do it at work. They don't know how to make it. A guide like this lets them know how to do it so they have no excuse.

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emis
February 27, 2009 10:09 PM
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@spinachdip: Actually, I saw the exact same set of steps when I visited a major computer manufacturer in Houston last year... another engineer and I showed up, our contact leads us to a kitchenette / conference area and says he'll be right back, help ourselves to some coffee...

Well, the carafes were not on the brewers and were empty... so there we are, two electrical engineers together, and we could not figure out how to use those carafe's... we'd just never seen them before so we didn't know you were supposed to put the whole thing under the filter output--we assumed there was a pot that went there, then you poured the pot into the carafe...

So our contact came back out and found one of us holding the carafe upside down above their head staring into it and the other one on his hands and knees with his head shoved into a cabinet trying to figure out where they were hiding the coffee pot.

Luckily we're a lot better at hardware debug then we are making coffee.

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TPS Reporter
February 28, 2009 1:51 PM
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@emis: Your story has made my day. Now that is funny.

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starbreiz
February 28, 2009 1:25 AM
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@emis: TiVo has similar instructions :) And those pics looked just like our kitchen and our pre-packaged coffee drawer!

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shadowkahn
February 27, 2009 10:38 PM
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@emis:

This may be one of the funniest things I have read on Consumerist.

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gibsonic
August 29, 2007 2:39 PM
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they totally left out the part about making sure they put caffeinated coffee in the \"Regular\" pot and the de-caffeinated in the \"Decaf\" pot.

what good is a policy if it has such blatant omissions as this?!? Rock of Gibraltar my ass.

:)

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timmus
August 29, 2007 2:40 PM
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As someone who doesn't drink coffee (except on special occasion) I might actually get use out of a step-by-step manual like this. A couple of times in the past 20 years I've had to be shown how to brew coffee. I guess it looks like it's written by Bill Lumbergh, but I'd be grateful.

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mrmysterious
August 29, 2007 2:40 PM
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In the words of my buddy Terrible Terry Tate:

\"If you kill the joe you make some moe.\"

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spinachdip
August 29, 2007 2:41 PM
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Oh, and thank goodness my office has Flavia machines. The quality is less than optimal, but at least I get to pick the flavor and the most work I have to do is replace the bin when it's full.

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descend
August 29, 2007 2:43 PM
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This really has little to do with corporate culture run amuck. This is what you have to do to pre-empt the assholes who finish the coffee and never start a new pot (or make a mess in the communal microwave and not clean it up, or...) because they claim they don't know how.

I've seen this happen in academia, non-profit, and corporate environments.

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The Dude
February 28, 2009 5:50 PM
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@descend:

\"I've seen this happen in academia, non-profit, and corporate environments.\"

..wow, you've actually witnessed this in other environments? You saw a live human not make a new pot of coffee? You're like a office version of the Crocodile Hunter. You should document all of this. I'm sure it'd be off-the-charts.

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audiochick
February 27, 2009 10:48 PM
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@descend: Exactly. This seems like something a receptionist/office manager might post after the 200th person has come up to him/her to say, \"the pot is empty, how do you make more?\"

This is why we have a fairly condescending sign above the sink in our office kitchen telling people to wash their own dishes. People can be (intentional) idiots sometimes.

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Kogenta
February 28, 2009 7:22 AM
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@audiochick: Every place I've worked at has the sign at the sink that says to wash your dishes. Optionally they may also add the line that says they'll chuck any unwashed dishes at the end of the day.

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gibsonic
August 29, 2007 2:47 PM
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@timmus:

same here. don't drink the stuff unless i take a sip of the wife's starbucks.

Comcast must be doing pretty well that they can afford to supply coffee to their employees (with directions no less). An un-named telco provider with the letters tata in their name require their employees(at some locations) to provide coffee and coffee supplies (cups, stirrers, creamer, sugar, etc).

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mk
August 29, 2007 2:48 PM
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This should really be posted on [www.passiveaggressivenotes.com] I have to say, I'm hated it at my old job when I got to the coffee machine and there was no coffee left. At my current job, we have those pod thingies. While not environmentally kind, at least we're never out of coffee.

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Amelie
August 29, 2007 2:49 PM
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Considering the number of asshats that refuse to make coffee when they take the last cup, I applaud Comcast's instruction. I see it as a PR way of dealing with those lazy jerks, who I'm sure have been the subject of numerous complaints.

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spinachdip
August 29, 2007 2:56 PM
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@descend: Corporate culture = culture of that particular corporation, not Corporate America in general.

In my experience - and this is strictly my experience - I found that in companies that actually care about the culture and employee morale, my employees weren't assholes and went out of their way to help co-workers and clients/customers - the first one in made a pot, the person who finished the pot made the next, and so on. But again, that's my experience and YMMV, of course.

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torgonius
February 28, 2009 9:07 PM
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@spinachdip:
I concur. My current employer treats us like gold. They made the Top 100 companies to work for list this year. There is never a mess in the break room, the microwave is always clean, and the bathrooms are spotless.


At my old job, the bathroom looked like something you'd find in a homeless shelter, and the microwave was worse.

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spinachdip
August 29, 2007 2:57 PM
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@spinachdip: *eh, my employees = my co-workers

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RandomHookup
August 29, 2007 3:03 PM
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This is why I gave up coffee. Too many times screwing up the coffee maker.

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Steel_Pelican
August 29, 2007 3:14 PM
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This is proof that I pay too much for my cable and internet.

At least 2 people devoted at least an entire day of work to this. If Comcast has that kind of scratch to throw around on crap like this, their markup is way too high.

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ZekeSulastin
February 28, 2009 5:01 PM
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@Steel_Pelican: Remind me never to give anything time sensitive to your employer if a simple document like this would take, in your estimation, 16 man-hours -.-

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hedonia
February 28, 2009 3:08 PM
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@Steel_Pelican: Or, you know, the 5 minutes it would take to snap 3 photos, stick them im a word file with 5 sentences, and email it around.

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Hobo-NC
August 29, 2007 3:15 PM
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Is this really a corporate memo/policy, or is it just something that a pissed off secretary wrote and sent around to her dumbass colleagues who don't respect the break room properly? The latter seems likely--it just happens to be on letterhead.

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AcidReign
August 29, 2007 3:21 PM
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    We have a coffee pot in my work area, but I never drink any. If I make it (1 heaping tablespoon per two cups), everyone says it's too strong. They like about 2 tablespoons for an entire 12-cup pot. I figure I might as well drink water, and just keep a gigantic movie cup of ice around my whole shift.

    Oh yeah. No half 'n' half at work, either. I like a nice strong New Orleans roast, chicory, and about 1/3 half 'n' half.

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Geoffrey Sperl
February 28, 2009 10:53 PM
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@AcidReign: My rule of thumb is one tablespoon per 6oz of water (heaping is it's whole bean, leveled-off if it's ground). For those who insist on whining about my coffee, there's an electric teapot for them to boil water to add AFTER the coffee is brewed.

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gorckat
August 29, 2007 3:23 PM
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What I gathered, from the posts supporting this endeavor by Comcast, is that it exists so someone can wave 'official policy' in the face of asshats who drink the last of the coffee and don't make more.

Does anyone know someone who has been fired for not making the coffee?

Assuming such asshattery is a fraction of the way they live their whole life, shouldn't they catch a person say...hanging up half their calls to make quota or screwing up in other, more obvious and customer impactful ways?

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bbbici
August 29, 2007 3:24 PM
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This may seem ridiculous, however, it's unbelievable how stupid people are. I work with a bunch of engineers who can't operate the coffee machine and its one button.


As a management consultant i once wrote a training manual for a restaurant, in which i broke down even the apparently stupidest tasks into step-by-step instructions.

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RokMartian
August 29, 2007 3:24 PM
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I don't work for Comcast, but that \"document\" looks like something sent out at a specific office created out of frustration. I work for a company with multiple break rooms and coffee machines, so I can't see how those specific instructions would apply company wide. -- What are the odds that every break room at comcast stores the coffee under the ice machine?

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Jacquilynne
February 27, 2009 10:20 PM
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@RokMartian: That was my feeling, as well. It's not like the Senior Vice-President of Employee Relations drafted up a coffee policy. Some office manager with too much time and not enough decision making authority to keep her happy in her actual job rigged that up one morning because she had to start a pot of coffee fresh. It's not really indicative of anything about anybody except whoever made the sign.

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LoadStar
February 28, 2009 2:29 AM
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@RokMartian: That may be true... in fact, probably is... but if it is, that seems like the people at Comcast responsible for corporate branding and communication would have serious issues with producing non-approved, unofficial documentation with the Comcast logo and copyright line.

Most companies, particularly those ISO certified (which I would assume that Comcast is) are very sensitive about what documentation, forms and such are produced and maintained.

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superqueen23
August 29, 2007 3:34 PM
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I love that step 5 is press \"power\" and \"brew start\", while you aren't instructed to clean the pot until step 6. I hope that this kind of coffee maker knows not to drip when there is no pot there. Otherwise, all their careful policies may go out the window when someone gets burned by the dripping coffee due to pressing brew start the first time it is mentioned instead of waiting until step 7.

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Psychodad1961
February 28, 2009 12:45 PM
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@superqueen23:
Looks like they need to re-write the manual...
Darwin wins again!

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emis
February 27, 2009 10:17 PM
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@superqueen23:

No, you're inserting the filter slot BELOW the buttons... it doesn't push them.

The only ones burned will be the ones who can't follow directions to the letter :)

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startertan
August 29, 2007 3:41 PM
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We just switched to the filter/coffee combo in my office so no need to get out a filter, cut the coffee bag and dump the grounds, it's all right there. If you're listening Comcast this would combine steps 3 and 4.

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stubblyhead
August 29, 2007 3:46 PM
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Otherwise, all their careful policies may go out the window when someone gets burned by the dripping coffee due to pressing brew start the first time it is mentioned instead of waiting until step 7.

workman's comp!

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The Dude
August 29, 2007 3:48 PM
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What's the problem here? I've had a few new jobs and always felt awkward 'making coffee' because you don't want to be the guy who screws the whole thing up.

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Ravenwaift
August 29, 2007 3:48 PM
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@SUPERQUEEN23: Step 5 just says to place the filter under those buttons. It doesn't tell you to press them.

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Jasmo
August 29, 2007 3:53 PM
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This is for the benefit of people like the person in my office that just poured the coffee grinds into the filter basket, sans filter, and proceeded to brew. Some people, if you give them the chance, will fuck anything up.

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freshyill
August 29, 2007 3:56 PM
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I did temp work for Comcast in 2003, and we had one of those single cup Keurig coffee makers. No instructions needed.

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Trai_Dep
August 29, 2007 4:04 PM
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Can't wait to see the Comcast Suggested* Guide to Urinal Behavior being posted. Hope they get the order right, or there will be MANY a drenched pant-leg.



(Suppose, just to be proactive, for Red States, they should append a Comcast Suggested* Guide to Bathroom Stall Behavior. tap. tap. tappy-tappy-tap.)



* \"Suggested\" as in, do it or you're fired.

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gibsonic
August 29, 2007 4:04 PM
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@superqueen23:
definitely sounds like a PO'd secretary threw this together in haste after the straw broke the camel's back. Such logically fallacies pop up in moments of aggravation.

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killavanilla
August 29, 2007 4:21 PM
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My company has instructions for this too, but they are posted by the coffee machines.
Our coffee is crap and tastes like rust, so I don't drink it.
I had bad stomach aches for months until I stopped. A real head smacking 'duh' moment for me.
Here's the rub - the good coffee only costs a few dollars more per case than the bad, but my fortune 500 company doesn't care and serves us crap.
It's free, so whatever, but if they had GOOD stuff, it would actually have the morale boosting effect it is supposed to have.

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karnag3
August 29, 2007 4:32 PM
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Haha, I knew someone would think of Terry Tate. Comcast just needs to hire an Office Linebacker themselves.

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joopiter
August 29, 2007 4:35 PM
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@freshyill: Never underestimate the ability of lazy and stupid people to not grasp the simplest of machines. I can't tell you how many times I've had to show people how to use the Keurig machine in our office. How some of them function on a day to day basis is beyond me. I swear, sometimes it seems like people put forth more energy NOT to understand something then they would if they'd actually pay attention and try to learn.

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superqueen23
August 29, 2007 4:44 PM
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@gibsonic: Oops. Missed that. Good thing I already know how to make coffee :)

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Dickdogfood
August 29, 2007 4:54 PM
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Back when we had an ordinary coffee machine and not one of those ginormous cappuccino-vending robots, my company had employees who'd regularly use PAPER TOWELS instead of filters to brew the company coffee. (And I mean the coarse bleached ones you see in public bathrooms, not even the cute soft 'n' patterned paper towels of a home kitchen.)

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TPIRman
August 29, 2007 5:28 PM
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I guess this explains why the water-jug one began with \"When you notice there is no coffee left...\" -- a sloppy copy-paste job. I thought it might have been a joke. I guess I gave the passive-aggressive HR managers in this particular Comcast office too much credit.

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mindgraffiti
August 29, 2007 5:42 PM
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Umm...when do I add the water? Is this one of those fancy coffee pots that magically add the water when I press Brew Start? Neat! Why can't my office have that?

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nataku8_e30
February 27, 2009 10:08 PM
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@mindgraffiti: I was thinking the same thing - I'm guessing that it's hooked up to the sink though? Based on it's proximity, and the lack of a visible inlet for the water, that seems about right. I'm more of a $15 P&S coffee maker guy myself though.

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sreppok
August 29, 2007 5:52 PM
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Ever checked out the instuctions on a package of toothpicks?



Maybe this really IS a sign that the world is going all wrong ...

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Marce
August 29, 2007 6:49 PM
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How about people who don't drink coffee? Do they have to take a quiz to show they've read the manual? Do they have to refill it if they notice it's empty?

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Jason Baldwin
August 29, 2007 6:56 PM
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Uh, what are coffee \"grinds\"? \"Grounds\", maybe, but not \"grinds\".

So Comcast hires people that don't write proper English or make coffee. Is anyone really surprised, given the conduct and standards they have for field technicians?

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Egakino
August 29, 2007 7:28 PM
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@public enemy #1: For even bigger laugh check out the articles on people who have burned down their houses with Pop-Tarts (and tried to sue over it). I mean FFS the damn things get to a volcanic temperature on anything other than pastry setting.

What ?!? What do you mean i can leave it in the toaster oven while i take my kid to school.

A little off topic i know but still under the subject of stupid instructions that people actually use. Processed cheese packets are another good one.

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castlecraver
August 29, 2007 7:45 PM
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@public enemy #1: Just water it down if it's too strong. You can't concentrate too-weak coffee; its much easier to dilute too-strong coffee.

In the research lab where I work, we have a joke about \"4X\" coffee for just this reason. It started with a certain someone using 2 coffee packets and about half a carafe full of water.

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acambras
August 29, 2007 7:51 PM
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At my office, we should probably have a memo teaching people how to change the toilet paper roll when it's empty. And to get more t.p. out of the basement when using the last spare roll in the bathroom cabinet.

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not_seth_brundle
August 29, 2007 7:59 PM
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@mindgraffiti: I think this coffeemaker is hooked up to the water line. Notice that it also has a tap for dispensing boiling water (to the right of the sticky note that reads \"Please make more coffee after you take the last cup. Thank you\").

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Bruce
August 29, 2007 7:59 PM
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If you think their directions for making coffee are funny, you should see Comcast's directions for their restrooms. They are both funny and de-humanizing at the same time.

\"6. Thou shalt take three (3) sheets from the holy roller, no less than three (3), yay verily, no more than four (4).\"

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dbeahn
August 29, 2007 8:03 PM
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When is someone going to leak the official Consumerist Official coffee-making manual and Official re-brew Official policy???

We wanna know!

@Bruce: \"\"6. Thou shalt take three (3) sheets from the holy roller, no less than three (3), yay verily, no more than four (4).\"\"

\"Three is the number thou shalt take, thou shalt not take two sheets, unless thou are immediately takingeth a third...\"

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Doug Nelson
August 29, 2007 8:45 PM
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At my first office job I ran into one of these office coffee machines and had no idea how to use it. I had to ask someone, and was embarrassed (especially since it was only my 2nd day and I didn't want to look like an idiot). I would have appreciated something like this.

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artki
August 29, 2007 10:03 PM
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It's easy to mock the coffee making instructions but I've seen people foul up and coffee machines of this type. In one office, the boss tried to help out and he failed on step #1. He put the filter and grounds in the sink and thought the garbage disposal could handle it. It couldn't.



I applaud those directions. Nobody is BORN knowing how to make coffee.




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mindgraffiti
August 29, 2007 10:48 PM
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@not_seth_brundle: I should have put this before my comment: *applies stupid look on face, speaks in a ditzy voice* \"Umm...when do I add the water...\"

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infinitysnake
August 29, 2007 11:42 PM
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\"coffee grinds?!\"

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katewrath
August 30, 2007 3:51 AM
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I've alternated between three offices over the last few weeks, and honestly, this is the kind of information that totally falls through the cracks. The one assistant who knows how to work the machine leaves for another job and suddenly you've got people putting one bag in a machine that brews an industrial beaker, three bags in a machine that makes a regular pot.

IT'S MADNESS I TELL YOU!

Seriously, the people making fun of these instructions are folks who have been off the bottom rung of the ladder too long to remember what it's like when frickin' NOBODY knows how to work the machine and all your bosses expect you to keep a fresh pot ready on the burner 24/7.

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HrPingui
August 30, 2007 9:00 AM
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@sreppok:

HHG2TG FTW!!!

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waxer
August 30, 2007 10:21 AM
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LOL ~ these are friggin' great. I like the water cooler one better. I don't drink coffee, but I'd love to make it (special) for the folks who do! hahahaa

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crankymediaguy
August 30, 2007 10:22 AM
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If they hire people who have to be told to press the \"BREW START\" button, is it any wonder they can't figure out how to make your fucking cable service work?

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jeffj-nj
August 30, 2007 2:02 PM
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I've never been happier there's a Keurig (Kuerig?) coffee maker in thisoffice than I am right now. Thank you for reminding me how fortunate weare. Seriously.

And for any one who has purchasing authority or influence in theiroffice, you should really consider getting one for your office as well.They are awesome!

www.keurig.com (probably)

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discounteggroll
February 28, 2009 12:03 AM
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@jeffj-nj:

yeah, it's KEURIG. pain in the pass to pronounce/spell, but awesome to use/maintain.

The commercial one is great since it has a source for water and a fairly deep K-cup disposal chamber (where the K-cups go after being used). the home/personal ones are also nice (must refill after about 7 cups and reload each K-cup like a single-chambered shotgun)

the only downside is price, but if that's an issue you shouldn't be using the K-Cup to begin with. Alternatively, you can always utilize the refillable K-Cup single serve filter (single-serve washable filter for individual coffee servings)

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Hawaiisumer
August 30, 2007 4:33 PM
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What about putting water in the coffe machine ?

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discounteggroll
February 28, 2009 12:06 AM
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@Hawaiisumer:

most commercial (aka business ones) have a source for water already established...it's unfortunate that most brewers/eompoyers don't document whether or not one must fill it with water or simply press \"brew now\" to have water delivered to the coffee filter

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Tsubasa
August 30, 2007 9:15 PM
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@superqueen23: I can't help but be filled with mirth that everyone is complaining how obvious and stupid these instructions are, and you come along and show us that even with the simplest step-by-step instructions with photographs, someone would still manage to misread them and screw it up. :)

I know you already recanted, but man, that was an eye-opener.

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gc3160thtuk
August 31, 2007 3:20 AM
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At Wal-Mart they provide coffee, cream, sugar, and sweet n low. However, I have yet to see the person who cannot operate the coffee machine, outside of pouring water into it before they put the pot underneath. But hey they had to clean up the mess so I don't care. I also don't drink it unless I feel like crap that particular day because hot, burnt coffee is not my forte. I prefer Starbucks or Sonic Frozen Coffee. But then I am a connoisseur of coffee.

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Bruce
September 24, 2007 9:06 AM
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@dbeahn:

HOWTO: Make Coffee.

\"Most people just don't know how to make good coffee. In the first place, they boil the water before they put the coffee in. Any fool knows you gotta put the coffee in the cold water and bring them both to a boil together. That way you get all of the flavor. Worst thing they do, they throw away the old grounds after using them once.

What they don't know is that they are throwing away the best part. You got to keep them old grounds and you add a little fresh coffee every morning and let her boil. Shoot, you don't make a cup, you build a pot. You don't really get a good pot until you've been usin' it about a week. Then it's coffee!\"

Chester Goode - Gunsmoke

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rileyjam514
October 11, 2007 1:22 PM
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I once wrote a \"how to\" guide for making coffee while I was a work-study at Seton Hall University's Career Center. It involved such detailed steps as \"don't feed Gizmo after midnight\" and \"remember to seal the hatch on the Chamber of Unending Torment or the Grues will escape and devour the flesh of all non-virgins in the office.\" Quite the read, actually.

In all seriousness, it's not unexpected for Comcast to put this out - many companies I've worked for do this because some people either A) have no clue what they're doing with kitchen equipment or B) expect the maid to take care of everything, especially the coffee grounds all over the kitchen leading back to said individual's desk.

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ChuckECheese
July 30, 2008 5:48 PM
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An architect friend works with many FOB Vietnameses who don't know how to make coffee. But they like to be helpful. So to help the new pot of coffee along, they dump the old coffee in the carafe into the water chamber along with fresh water. Mmmmm, re-coffee.

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kathyl
February 27, 2009 10:05 PM
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We're confused, what do we do after pressing Brew Start?

8. ???

9. Profit!

(of course)

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Michael Belisle
February 27, 2009 10:08 PM
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@gibsonic: \"Um, hi is this 2007? It's 2009 here. Gosh it's been a long time, hasn't it? We need to talk.\"

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Cyberxion101
February 27, 2009 10:13 PM
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This is an old story, right? I'm not trying to be that guy, I'm just really confused.

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Dan King
February 27, 2009 10:17 PM
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and this whole I was thinking it was a lead up to them telling people to re-use the filters...it's a surefire way to make lousy office coffee even worse

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Oranges w/ Cheese
February 27, 2009 10:26 PM
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Wow, they have a DISHWASHER.

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failurate
February 27, 2009 10:28 PM
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We don't have a \"brew\" button, so as soon as you pour the water in, the brewing begins. About every other week someone will use the brew pot as the water pot... hilarity ensues as they rush to pour the water so they can then use the pot to catch the coffee.

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SunnyLea
February 28, 2009 1:46 AM
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@failurate:

A time I could have used instructions for making coffee:

The coffee machine at a new job worked like yours, but the other part of the equation is that the sucker will not start brewing until you've put in a certain amount of water.

I was the only coffee drinker, ergo, I was trying to only make about a third of a pot of coffee. It doesn't start brewing for anything less than a full pot. And, of course, I'm assuming that this machine, like every other machine I have ever encountered, will have a start button.

So I put the coffee in, I pour the water in...

30 minutes later, there are about a dozen of us standing around the coffee machine, trying to figure out where the start button is, while another half dozen are digging around cabinets trying to find a manual.

It was ridiculous and also hilarious.

(I finally pulled the model number off the machine and googled it to find the manual online. Really.)

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Corporate_guy
February 27, 2009 10:38 PM
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Is there a reason the consumerist posted this?

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HawkWolf
February 27, 2009 10:58 PM
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I don't really like comcast, but I will be honest: it's easy to screw up making coffee unless the machine's really bulletproof or if you're just used to doing it.

If I don't push the filter basket all the way down in our coffee machine at work, the spring nub that lets you take the carafe out and pour a cup during the cycle will never touch the carafe, and the machine will overflow and pump coffee back into the water resevoir. It'd be really easy for someone who isn't familiar with our boring consumer cuisinart machine to screw up and ruin the machine (and coffee).

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discounteggroll
February 27, 2009 11:54 PM
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you kill the joe, you make some mo'

comcast could have saved themselves some cash by just re-running the terry tate reebok commercials en masse (there are a few)

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framitz
February 27, 2009 11:59 PM
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My daughter in law works for Comcast. Based on HER intelligence they really need the instructions with pictures. Yep, she is a moron, and one of the better workers at that.

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failurate
February 28, 2009 3:59 AM
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@framitz: With a father-in-law like you, who needs a knife a in the skull?

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savdavid
February 28, 2009 12:25 AM
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LOL, goodness!

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henrygates
February 28, 2009 1:07 AM
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Who's that mystery person inserting the filter into the slot? It's not the lady in the other photos!

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BillyDee_CT
February 28, 2009 1:14 AM
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Now if they only had clear step-by-step directions for customer service I might have still been a customer of theirs. They should stop making coffee long enough to actually assist customers.

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StutiCebriones
February 28, 2009 2:21 AM
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I'm glad that when there's nothing going on in any of the areas Consumerist covers, it can reach way back into its deep archive to find the kind of news that makes you reflect on where you where when you heard it and how it changed your life.

Christ, Ben, if any news day is this slow to you, you need to think about why you're here.

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MooseOfReason
February 28, 2009 4:39 AM
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You know Verizon has one of those machines where you put in a thimble for an individual cup. They even have the instructions--usually three steps--right on the machine.

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Overheal
February 28, 2009 4:42 AM
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The Coast Guard does this too though. Ever been on one of their boats? The entire kitchen is riddled with pinned up sheets telling you how and when to make coffee, what to make and when to make breakfast, etc.

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redkamel
February 28, 2009 4:50 AM
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I made a very similiar sign for my roomates who never took out the trash

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Gilbert Tang, Jr.
February 28, 2009 10:20 AM
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Put the filter in the basket, or it gets the hose.

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TPS Reporter
February 28, 2009 1:50 PM
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Actually you would be surprised who needs instructions like this. Our coffee pot has a spout in the middle for hot water for tea, hot chocolate whatever. If you dispense the hot water while a pot is brewing, it will ruin the timer installed in there as ours is hooked up to the water supply and it keeps a pot full of water hot so you don't have to wait, it brews immediately. But it fills it right after the pot is brewed and so if you use the hot water spout, it ruins the timer that tells it to fill. Our coffee company has to come in about every 2 weeks and fix the timer or replace the whole contraption. It will either not brew anymore or it will overfill the small tank and water goes everywhere if the timer is messed up.

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drdom
February 28, 2009 3:47 PM
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Simpler Solution:

Keurig K-Cups. It involves less steps, it's fresher coffee, it tastes better and there's less wasted boiled over bottom of the pot vile coffee.

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Nighthawke
February 28, 2009 4:25 PM
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You got folks with million dollar management degrees managing thousand employees on a regular basis, you are going to have some numbskulls in the lot that use percolators or just go get starfucks and NOT know how to drive a high level drip unit.

They probably had some plugged up units from folks dumping the grounds into the top where the water would go. Or rippping the portion packs and dumping the grounds into the basket without a filter.
Expensive mistakes and it usually takes a couple of days to get a service tech out to clean or replace it.

Yeah, I believe it that it would happen too.

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Suulia
February 28, 2009 5:25 PM
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The date on this (2005) doesn't surprise me. I've worked for Comcast since 2006, and at my office we do not have regular coffee makers anymore. We have several FLAVIA machines instead.

In my experience of working at several large companies (IBM, Verizon, Apple, Comcast, etc.) the average person has no idea how to make a pot of coffee.

For those wondering about why there are no instructions to add water, the coffee machines in the pictures add filtered water automatically.

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redhelix
February 28, 2009 6:51 PM
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Just buy a coffee pod machine for christ's sake. This is not rocket science.

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Pink Puppet
February 28, 2009 8:10 PM
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I once had to write up a step-by-step manual with pictures on how to load and fire a foam-pellet gun, and another how to properly inflate a toy monkey. (I worked for a very strange business at the time.) I can't judge.

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dragonpup
February 28, 2009 8:16 PM
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You'd be surprised at the number of people who can't figure out a coffee maker. That said, my local Comcast office uses those k-cup things. ;)

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Repique
February 28, 2009 10:11 PM
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Since when is having written instructions a bad thing? What this probably did was save dozens and dozens of people the few minutes at a time that they had to spend telling Every Single New Employee how to use the coffee maker.

And that adds up.

Something like this only takes a little time to do, and in a large company could save a lot of unproductive time. I wonder, honestly, at all the places that have so many tiny little procedures that are always done the same way, but they don't write any of it down.

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Geoffrey Sperl
February 28, 2009 10:49 PM
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My confusion comes from: a) What the hell are \"coffee grinds\"? and, b) If this is the crap Comcast tries to pass off as coffee, no wonder their employees also act so pissed-off.

At least it goes into a carafe and not into a glass pot that sits on the burner all damn day.

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a_pink_poodle
February 28, 2009 11:47 PM
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My work has that coffee machine! I recognize the orange hot water dispenser and the burner/switch lights anywhere.

Although we have the one where there's 3 burners, not just one.

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Justifan
March 1, 2009 7:13 AM
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wash out with detergent. coffee oils go rancid.
bad office coffee is tainted with flavors from never cleaned basket:P

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YungOne83
March 1, 2009 2:05 PM
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Too much work...they need to move up to one of these....we have these at my place of work...

[www.keurig.com]

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UniComp
March 2, 2009 3:45 AM
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I like to double up on filters. Not sure if it does anything, but I think it does. That's what matters.

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Anonymous
March 2, 2009 7:08 PM
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Looks like something someone madeup out of frustration when they encountered another empty pot. I have that problem here in my office. Dump grounds, new filter, new grounds, push button. Very easy but still we end up with empty pots. Need to put a video camera over the coffee pots.

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lamorevincera
March 3, 2009 12:46 AM
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Confession time.

I've written shit like this.

I'm an executive assistant, but I also take care of the general office. Everybody knows damn well how to make a pot of coffee, but there are always those few...

Most people are decent. Probably, what, 80%? And then there's the other 20. They think that if they act confused - or, even better, if they fuck it up enough on purpose - that I'll just do it for them going forward to save myself the trouble. Because, y'know, admins? Not that bright.

So you sit down, write one of these utterly goddamned stupid Policies on Brewing Coffee, and you give it to the idiot(s) next time they whine that you didn't make their coffee.

(Oh, and the 20%? Almost always peon level, just like me.)

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Bs Baldwin
March 7, 2009 5:16 AM
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I was about to doubt this until I saw the water jug manual, and saw it is a local brand of water jugs.

I have to ask the question, are comcast employees this dumb?

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kylere1
March 12, 2010 8:41 AM
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Considering how many coffee drinkers I see versus how many coffee makers (as in people making coffee) there are, this was most likely put up by someone exasperated for the 500th time of not having any coffee ready. Too many feel they are above doing anything like making coffee.

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Snip
May 15, 2011 12:14 AM
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This is what happens when a bored secretary is looking for something to pass the time that won't get her in trouble.

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