I lived in a house in Fallujah in 2004 that looked just like this

When I worked in a prison we were far more tolerant.

There is a Christian-run, morality-enforced prison facility out there. It is the Auburn System.

I had a friend who tried to tell a tenant at one of his rental houses that they had to leave a particular yard light on 24/7, even though the tenant paid the electricity bill. The tenant won damages in small claims court.

@Eyebrows McGee: I'm not entirely sure about the religion thing, but were such a matter to come up in court you'd probably need to have a DAMN good case for rejecting anyone out of hand. That said, this would be SO ridiculously illegal it would make your head spin. Nova Scotia tends to have lax protection laws in general, and the "rules" he sets out violate even those in at least four ways off the top of my head. Based on this, I'm guessing he doesn't provide renters with a copy of the tenancy act (or local equivalent thereof), which would make a fifth violation.

@CiroDoomer:

Drug screening for employment is legal you mean, right?

On a side note, the security set up is perfectly legal if it's throughout the house as well. The rest of it is also technically legal since the landlord lives on the property...if he did, then you could throw out the whole ad as completely illegal.

Except for the lights I think...on a mandatory system like that, I think it's supposed to be 8 hours, not 6. I could be mistaken...

And sadly half of these laws vary from province to province.

@tcolberg:

I think you missed the fact that this is Vancounver up in BC, Canada.

But, the rest of that comment still stands. lol

@huadpe:

I was looking for that. I signed one recently. this is a truly hilarious post.

not a bad neigborhood though =)

that's my hometown!

FYI, they're minutes away from the best pizza in the city! lol

============================

sorority girl seeks successful christian frat boy
Date: 2002-09-30, 1:26AM PDT

I am a former sorority girl, 22, blonde hair (teased), blue eyes, 5'6", 110 lbs, and work out every day to keep my buttocks firm and clenched. I live in the Marina, and I work in finance. I love movies, bullfights, church, Jesus, and fine dining.

I am looking for a white guy who makes at least 200k a year, preferably as a stock broker or something like that. He also should have a good car that conveys his success- Like a huge Yukon, Hummer or at least the typical black BMW or Mercedes. At least the two of us know that this is not a "cover" for the sad reality of being born with a small member. This type of vehicle commands respect, especially since we can say "hey, I'm only getting 4 miles per gallon, get out of my way you old hag!" while we drive on the sidewalks and cradle our phones to our ears with the hope that we didn't just spill our decaf grande latte on our new armani suit.

He should also be a Christian, and beleive that Jesus is our savior. And frequently make reference to Jesus, without hesitation or embarassment, since we both know this is a Christian country. Whether he practices the teachings of Jesus is irrelevant. He doesn't ALWAYS have to turn the other cheek or love his neighbor...If we need to walk on some people's backs to get where we are going so be it. But we want to command respect, and I think if we carry our bibles around we can at least get moral high ground by using the whole Christian trump card thing when people disagree with us.

Also- you should be attractive, own at least one cell phone, wear one of those headsets around while walking in the city, but not while driving, and wear nice clothes. A complete disdain for the poor and the homeless would help too. (but an annual trip during the holidays to volunteer for a few hours at some nasty shelter to make us feel good would be ok, as long as we don't have to stay too long or touch those people or their clothes.)

I don't care if we are sheep in the herd. We belong together. PS no sex before marriage, no prenup, 2.5 kids.

so fake.

If I could find them, I'd duct-tape them to a chair and beat them with their own stupidity.

I sure hope that's A JOKE - I'd be shocked if that were REAL....

:)

I am wondering this myself, however, AFAIK, the only two exceptions given to small renters (Those with fewer than 5 units in the same building in Ontario) are that they may boot the tenants so they may occupy the unit, given enough notice, assuming it has become a month-to-month tenancy. Also, there is no automatic right to relocation should the landlord choose to condemn/repair/take over/sell the space (If a large building is being worked on, the landlord must give you a suitable place to stay while it is being worked on).

I'll look it up and post anything else. :) Of course, at least in Ontario, things tend to be in the tenants favour. For example, in all cases it is illegal to ban pets (some landlords have to be re-educated on this...), and also illegal to charge any security at all (instead landlords here may charge last month's rent, which is quite literally last month's rent, and can't be used for any other purpose than to pay the rent when the tenant gives their 60 days notice).

The rest of it is pretty illegal in Canada as well.
- Discrimination: Illegal
- CCTV in the apartment: possibly illegal, mostly immoral.
- Fines set in ad: All illegal
- Visitation Searching: Illegal
- Unannounced inspections: Illegal 24 hour notice in Canada also.
- Lights out/wake up: not illegal as such, but immoral and would add to a lawsuit.

Most of this ad is illegal in Canada. I hope someone smart rents it for a period, then slaps this moron with a lawsuit. Though that would incur a $250.00 fine per instance.

Which part of that did you not understand?

This ad made my day.

Yes it's his place but some of those rules are ridiculous.

@Jesse: Um, Celsius maybe?

yeah i was thinking the temps are the most reasonable thing in the ad. 70 is warmer than what my landlord keeps my place (we don't have direct control) and i doubt the window AC's get the place much below 77 in the summer.

@cordeliapotter: Gender can be a big influence on your lifestyle. After all, 50% of men cannot put down the toilet seat and 50% of women never look before sitting down. :)

I see no problem by abiding by these rules... if you're a nun or clinically dead. Good luck pal

@Jesse: 21°C = 69.8°F; 25°C = 77.0°F Reasonable settings IMO.

Rent tomorrow's future...today!

From now on you can just call me THX.

So basically he's inviting me to exercise naked for his family's enjoyment.

Hey, they deserve some kind of lascivious deviant sexual stimulation.

C'mon now, almost none of this stuff is any of the landlord's business. About the only thing you could legitimately care about (aside from "no illegal activity," which is pretty much a standard expectation) is the heat...
But the landlord is paying electricity (without limitations) and there's no prohibition against space heaters, so he'll cost himself more in electric than he'd pay in house-based heating. And he'd deserve it (if he weren't just trolling).

Here's some points to consider: Yes, according to the Residential Tenancy Act most of this is horridly illegal. The thing about laws is that they need to be enforced, and both the provincial and municipal governments have given tenant rights low to non existent priority. Rooming houses and residential hotels in the downtown east side, illegal basement suites... there's always some kind of housing controversy going on here, and the playing field is invariably tilted towards the landlord rather than the tenant.

The urge to either monetize or marginalize societally challenged renters is apparently hard to resist; With the gentrification of downtown proceeding at breakneck pace pending the 2010 Olympics there is much concern over what's gonna happen to the poor people. Downtown wants 'em out, and the Drive is kinda like the first stop on the way outa town.

Now, no one wants to rent to poor people unless you can figure out a way to scam them out of their welfare cheques too ([www.cbc.ca]), so you get a lot of dodgy rental restrictions and qualifiers being tossed about quite blatantly by landlords who are secure in the knowledge the RTA complaint resolution process is on their side.

Note that this is in Canada, so the temperatures are in Celsius, and the term 'lawsuit' for the most part refers to what you wear to court.

Vancouver is beautiful, unpleasant, and very uncomfortable with poor people.

@I work as a meth lab technician isn't really a meth lab tec...: Given everything else going on here, I'm wondering what his definition of "deviant" is. Doggy style? Oh, no, wait, I figured it out. Pre-marital.

Continue to make offers to buy his wife and daughter for slavery purposes. Ask him to wash my feet. Go out and buy a load of fish and continue to leave 1 with a loaf of bread every hour on his floor, etc.

Lol I keep mine at 63 while we are home, and 62 when we are not (due to pets). At night it's down to 60 while we sleep. We use a few space heaters for rooms we are in, and STILL the gas bill is hovering around $100 a month! (In addition to $90 electric after the electric company just jacked their rates up 25%).

I'm surprised with how uptight this guy is that consumerist.com isn't on the "immoral websites" list for the "deviant sexual" content of this site. You all saw that boob pic from New Years.

They had me going until the bit about the "exercise yard".

I imagine this is someone's joke (and it's a good one) since there are already nutcase landlord's who imagine they are Lord or Lady of their semi-detached castle and like to demand the absolute stupidest levels of respect and propriety from tenants. I know. I've had a few.

His first sentence explains everything.

Anyone who expects a self-ascribed religious or political definition to speak for them shouldn't be trusted with your lunch money, never mind the rent.

@alexcassidy:

It has to be a joke judging from the temperature rules. Your water pipes would burst in the winter. The summer temperature is improbable too.

A late addition to the contract:

Every morning at 5:30 when the lights are turned on, "I Got You Babe" by Sonny & Cher will be piped through the newly installed public address speakers in the suite."

That is all.

And no disapeering ove the horizon! There is no horizon on a flat earth

Does Canada have a similar exemption? Like, since this is a single basement unit, IS it actually illegal in Canada for a landlord to look for a Christian tenant? Joke posting aside. :)

@Kevin Dendel: NICE.

Many prison wardens push the christian thing as much as possible.

Dad? Are you renting out my childhood room?

You should be a humorist.

It's still illegal for them to make you attend religious services in most states. The states that are silent on the issue, you don't want to live in anyway....

I'm just curious, but dude, where did you work?!

@I work as a meth lab technician isn't really a meth lab tec...: No worries, in mannhattan, even this appartment will go in less than 3 hours.

What? No Fee!!! SWEEEEEEET

Of course this is a joke.

Note: since he's supposedly posted the ad on craigslist, he's already broken his rule against "immoral websites".

I suddenly have an urge to apply for this apartment...I can tell them about how I spend my spare time getting drunk and waving my smith & wesson around while I look at naughty atheist porn websites and listen to marilyn manson.

...Although, he made no mention of not being able to play loud music or controlling the music you listen to...I think i'd use visiting hours for "basement band practice" time...

This has to be fake. no way.

@TVarmy:
Like Bosom Buddies crossed with Oz?

Some choice quotes:
"11.1) The landlord must not stop the tenant from having guests under reasonable circumstances in the rental unit.

.2)The landlord must not impose restrictions on guests and must not require or accept any extra charge for daytime visits or overnight accommodation of guests."

"13.2) The landlord may enter the rental unit only if one of the following applies: a) at least 24 hours and not more than 30 days before the entry, the landlord gives the tenant a written notice which states i) the purpose for entering, which must be reasonable, and ii) the date and the time of the entry, which must be between 8 a.m. and 9 p.m. unless the tenant agrees otherwise;"

I am not a lawyer.

I rent a room in a friend's house. She's not poor (sign language interpreter AND a video editor) but who wants to toss money out the window for home heating? We keep the house around 60. Much cheaper to buy a few extra hoodies and slippers then run the heat at 70. We've got a couple small space heaters for the bedrooms or when things drop well below freezing (thursday and friday the high is somewhere between 5-9 degrees depending on which site you look at)but those don't even get turned on much.

And since we don't have central air in the summer, just a couple window AC units, 77 ain't the bad either.

Again, must be nice to be rich.

[Pop culture reference to 'that episode wherein Homer and Bart see lesbians on a webcam in his house and Ned moves away' goes here]

@nacoran: Regarding the laundry costs, it's about what I paid at a laundromat in Amsterdam.

Hmm, I dunno. They seem like the exact kind of temperatures a landlordy control-freak might go for (if the ad-faker is going for at least some kind of realism, anyway) if you think of them in Celsius. OK, 21 degrees is a bit reasonable for winter (I'd imagine "64 and not a degree higher, ever" being more to the liking of super-controlling landlords everywhere - at 70 degrees the tenant might even be, y'know, comfortable), but I can well imagine a landlord refusing to allow the thermostat to be set below 77 degrees Fahrenheit (i.e. way too fucking hot) in summer.

I'm thinking Celsius, not Fahrenheit. Celsius says "horrendously controlling while appearing to be reasonable" (in keeping with the "it might just be real... but it's not" theme of the rest of the ad), whereas Fahrenheit says "your landlord wants you to die of frostbite, whatever the season".

when will we get our EDIT BUTTON?????

Lots of this stuff would be NICE

I've been living in the US for too long.

I can tell this by the fact that the summer/winter temperatures quoted seemed wildly out of whack, when I come from a country that uses Celsius.

I'm being assimilated, I tell you!

See [www.theadvocates.org] for an explanation...

The property is owned by the credit card companies.

You did see all the ridiculous fees, and unconscionable rules and regulations, Right?

Are planes allowed to fly over the property?

@Christian Pfeiffer: Me too! I wish I was in Vancouver just so I could move in there and drive the landlord batty. Deviant behaviour? Yeah, I got that.

@Hawk07: If Christians didn't make themselves look this bad, it wouldn't have been bait.

The addition of a PA system to the room would make it that much better.

The other stuff is insane, though. And with all those restrictions, how is one to stay employed for too long? How many tenants are there to need ID bracelets?

This honestly sounds like stuff out of Portal. Perhaps GlaDOS found religion?

Look, if you don't like my rules then don't rent my apartment!

I am seriously considering a fee for questioning my rules.

Then I saw the Christian stuff and realized that this wouldn't take that angle, as most right wingers don't take shots at Evangelicals and Fundamentalists.

Probably a joke meant to be bizarre more than anything. If it were a sketch done by a comedy troop, it'd be big on YouTube.

I suspect if I say Bladefist's name three times I'll get a flame war over this.

Too bad y'all took the bait.

*Perhaps not so much since I'm not a lawyer.

Fake, fake, fake.

I'm a Christian too, but this guy is wacked. Although, having considered being a slumlord myself, I admit that I would be as stringent as lawfully possible in order to guarantee a good renter. This is advice I have garnered from other experienced renters. That doesn't mean ID bracelets or cameras, but you want to screen as much as possible to make sure you don't get some moron who defaces your apartment and doesn't pay rent.

@Christian Pfeiffer: It appears so...i'd assume that the gvt' in canada would feel the same way as the US gvt' about the inmate style treatment these landlords give their tenants.

Welcome to the apartments at Gitmo!

I wonder if consmerist.com is considered a "forbidden/immoral website"?

To be honest, it seemed tacked on to the whole prison warden idea.

On one hand, I wouldn't be suprised if this actually was real. I've meet some crazy people who I could see doing this.

My email:

"Dear Sir,

My husband of three years, John, and I are followers at Pastor Mark's Mars Hill Church in Seattle; I was previously Catholic but left because I believe the RC is too liberal. My husband was a member of the Church of England, but left for OBVIOUS reasons!!!! Calvinism is much more his style (and therefore mine!)

We're looking to relocate to our neighbor to the north; we're getting more and more nervous each day that the inauguration of President-Elect Obama draws near. God only knows what that anti-semetic Muslim will do on January 21st, and I want to leave before its too late and we're all forced to wear the mark of the beast! A former pastor of mine suggested we accompany his family to Kenya on a mission trip, but my good husband doesn't do well in Africa -- like a good, God-fearing British person, he still believes those heathens should fall under the Queen's divinely chosen hand not their own savage ways -- and has instructed me that mission trips go directly against the teachings of John Calvin. We would return to England, but the Blair/Brown years have so corrupted the people of that once-great empire that we fear persecution for our beliefs.

We would be interested in looking at the apartment, though obviously we can't do so any time soon, as my husband works a very long work days (every day except Sunday, of course) to be able to afford to live on one income while I tend the household. Our biggest concern is that we have not started a family, as we do not want to rear a child in this horrid Sodom that once was the United States, so until we move out of this Godless country and settling into our new home, my husband uses condoms. My Catholic family finds this sexually deviant -- do you? What about non-missionary positions? We can send you descriptions of our various sexual positions (only vaginal penetration ever; I am NEVER on top) for your approval, if you'd like.

We'd still like to see photos of the apartment and exercise yard and hear more about you and your lovely family. Please write soon.

Esther."

He didn't specifically rule out masterbation, did he?

Wow. I guess it takes all kinds. But this guy needs to get a reality check.

(That job was the longest two years of my life.)

@Corporate-Shill:
I am farking confused.

This is a real ad?

[vancouver.en.craigslist.ca])html

Huh?

Actually, after some research, I found the BC Residential Tenancy Act online:

[tinyurl.com]

I think these are some of the violations in the ad:
- All of Section 28 (Protection of Tenant's Right to Quiet Enjoyment)
- Section 29.1(b) -- No random inspections, Landlord must provide at least 24 hours notice

Can anyone find others?

@lilyHaze: No, those numbers are in FAHRENHEIT. LMAO!

Oh, man! Just what I was lookin' for! Prison that I pay for! Where do I sign up?!

That is just....crazy....

more than half of this stuff is illegal, like the temperature, the lighting, the inspections, etc. I would rent this appartment just to end up suing the landlord

[onlinemanuals.txdot.gov]

That being said, this person is nuts. That might be the most expensive washer/dryer service on the planet. The eviction rules are illegal. The $100 fine for using a slug in the washer is probably illegal. The unannounced inspections are illegal. Except in the case of an emergency a landlord has to give you 24 hour notice before entering your apartment. I've seen landlords try a lot of these things though, although not all of them at once.

Pretty good, though.

That place sounds great. If it was real I'd waste their time and have to come look at the place while secretly recording it.

Creeeepy.

Is this the guy from SAW?

And why do I have a feeling this guy has installed a hidden camera right above the toilet and in the shower vent?

Everyone knows that craigslist is just a front for people looking for deviant sexual behavior - even those specifically saying that they are AGAINST such things.