On Black Friday, Amazon.com held a raffle of sorts. Essentially, they had several awesome items at insane prices, and people were randomly selected to get these details. One of these items was a really nice laptop, regularly $1000, discounted to $300 for 250 lucky people. I was not one of those lucky people. That didn't stop me from winning in my own sort of way.You can read Mr. Hildebrandt's post as well as the replies it prompted, here. Sadly, his sarcasm did little to calm the conspiracy theories, so we rejoin our hero as he dashes over to Consumerist.com for Amazon's Executive Customer service contact info...While these crazy sales were going on, quite a few people started donning tinfoil hats. Very, very few people got a shot at these details. So few, in fact, that people start wondering out loud if the prizes were being awarded at all. Finally, people started crying about how the prizes were _obviously_ being snatched up by Amazon employees, since their best friend totally voted and didn't win anything. The forum was quickly flooded with angry customers demanding apologies, compensation... I think one person even was talking about a class action lawsuit. That's what I love about the internet -- low on rationality and high on hilarity.
I thought I'd add my voice to the party, in a post entitled "OH NO I DIDN'T WIN A LAPTOP."
By this point, I felt like it was important to escalate my complaint. After a little digging, I found the e-mail addressed for not just Amazon's customer service, but Amazon's _executive_ customer service. Just for kicks, I CC'd it to Amazon's president, Jeff Bezos, as well. This is what I wrote:Please escalate this e-mail accordingly.
Dear Jeffrey P. Bezos,Good day.
Recently, I participated in the "Customers Vote" promotion on your website. There was one item in particular that caught my eye: The HP Pavilion TX1305US Notebook PC for the discounted price of $299. I was ecstatic at the prospect of receiving this notebook. I've been without a mobile computing platform since I graduated college this past spring (after four rigorous years of post-secondary education). I had planned on using this laptop to write epic novels while sipping mochas at my local Starbucks. Sadly, when the time came for winners to be announced, I was greeted by a cruel message: "We're sorry. You weren't randomly selected to be offered this deal."
This has thrown my life into somewhat of a turmoil. I had greatly anticipated receiving this laptop, and doing so would have enabled me to not only pen epic novels, but win prestigious literary awards from various countries. Not being in possession of a laptop, I am instead forced to write with the humble pen and paper, a process that lacks both proper editing features and spell checking.
Since this traumatic event took place, I have taken solace on the Amazon web forum, where I found others who were in a similar predicament. Together, we were able to conclude that the reason we were unable to win the laptops is that the laptops were never available in the first place, but were instead given to Amazon employees. In a thread I started earlier today, eighteen people (thus far) have confirmed that they did not receive a laptop. Since two hundred and fifty laptops were "available", it is practically a statistical impossibility that not one of us was given the offer. The only possible explanation is that these laptops were claimed by Amazon employees before they were ever available for sale.
Even so, I have used Amazon for years and would like to offer my continued patronage. In return, I would ask for the opportunity to purchase one of these laptops for the low price of $299 plus applicable shipping. I would even offer to extend my patronage beyond its normal constraints, writing "I wrote Amazon Executive Customer Service a cheeky e-mail and all I got was this AMAZING LAPTOP" with a Sharpie (as opposed to a generic-branded marker, which tends to bleed) on the upper lid of the laptop. Also, I would dedicate my first published novel to you, Jeff Bezos (though you may not be the sole dedication), for providing me with the means to create the world's next great literary work.
Please take this offer into consideration. I eagerly look forward to your response.
A. Hildebrandt
e. (e-mail removed) p. (phone number removed)
Several days went by, and I thought my story had reached a conclusion. I was happy. It was fun. And I got to feed a couple trolls.
What happened next, though, took everything to the next level.
On November 30, three days after Black Friday, I received an e-mail from Autumn Walker of Amazon.com Executive Customer Relations.
Dear Mr. Hildebrandt,
Hello from Amazon.com.
My name is Autumn Walker of Amazon.com's Executive Customer Relations. Jeff Bezos received your email and has asked me to reply on his behalf, taking any action necessary to assist you.
I understand and fully empathize with your desire to write epic novels using the "HP Pavilion TX1305US Notebook PC" offered in the "Amazon Customers Vote" promotion. I had similar hopes of producing my own work of greatness when I cast my vote.
Perhaps fortunately for the general public, neither I, nor any of my colleagues whom I was ready to beg from, won this round. (Come to think of it, I don't think we won *any* rounds.) It is important, however, that your genius be heard.
I am unable to take one of the fully claimed and purchased laptops away from its winning owner to provide you with this deal, nor will we be discounting other $1000.00 items to the fire-sale price of $299.00 offered in our "Amazon Customers Vote" promotion. As I'm sure you are aware, promotions are for a limited time only and cannot be extended.
I share your wonder that neither you nor any of the other 18 bloggers participating in your thread did not win the "Out & About" round. As a matter of fact, I was quite vociferous in like-minded protest. Perhaps the response I received to my own objections may clear this matter up somewhat: when I stoutly declared that some member of my voluminous family should have statistically won something, I was reminded of a common thread in our "Customers Vote" forum which states buying a lottery ticket only marginally increases one's chances of winning the lottery.
Take heart; Norman Mailer wrote all of his novels by hand. And you've surely heard the phrase, "the pen is mightier than the sword"? It would sound absurd to substitute "laptop" for the word "pen."
In the meantime, since fate has conspired against me as well, I will continue the process of gathering material for my novel, (also known as staying employed.) This means that I will certainly be on hand to help you find exactly the right Sharpie should you wish to persevere in your brilliant endeavor. That is, until next year's "Amazon Customers Vote" promotion...
Despite this setback, I eagerly await the publication of your novel, and can assure you that I will be among the earliest purchasers at the bookstore.
Here's wishing you the best of luck in next year's promotion!
Regards,
Autumn Walker Executive Customer Relations
Amazon, I love you.
(Photo:GlennFleishman)
]]>And that's why we buy stuff from Amazon.
You know other than the great service, the low prices (even if i'm gonna whine about the tax) the fast shipping, and the feeling that i am greaaing the palms of good little Seattleites.
I know the wonderful Autumn Walker personally. Her husband linked me to this story this morning and I assure all of you that not only is she a real person but she is just as sparkling, intelligent and funny in person as the letter would leave you to believe. I will tell you she is married and has a lovely baby daughter, so even though I'm sure she's flattered by the proposals she won't be able to accept. It's not unsual for her to respond to funny well-written letters in-kind (it was far more common and acceptable in Amazon's early days) and I've seen several examples of the more enteraining correspondence. I'm just glad some other people get the chance to enjoy it too. Cheers!
]]>My job is answering high level complaints for a major corporation. Autumn exhibited a level of humor and sarcasm that I, sadly, am not allowed to enjoy, so I am living vicariously through her at this moment. Sadly, I am also very rarely the recipient of such a witty complaint. I will be giggling at work tomorrow thanks to this.
]]>Why does he keep saying 'details.' Wouldn't it make more sense to call them deals?
]]>This actually made me grin from ear to ear. Here's to great customer service!
]]>Autumn Winter is a real person. I confirmed it with with a friend who is an employee at Amazon.com. This letter and the link at Consumerist is doing the rounds at Amazon today.
]]>That response is priceless! I've had nothing but great service from Amazon. Speaking of, I'm sitting here now waiting for UPS for my new camera from Amazon :)
]]>This guys email wasn't about a problem, it was a joke. I understand that, however, it represents many others who surely have emailed amazon trying to get something for nothing. Theres a difference between getting what you deserve (if there were 250 of them and you weren't part of the random selection, well, deal with it, its not Amazons fault, you aren't entitled to the deal.) and getting more than what you deserve, or something for nothing.
Bad customer service -> lost customers.
Good customer service -> abusive customers.
Sometimes even for the companies it seems like a lose-lose. We as consumers need to learn where the line is for asking for something.
Though I am glad that Amazon has a sense of humor regarding the cheeky email, it was truly a well written waste of time, wasn't it? And what if they had offered the laptop to him despite it being a joke? Sure thats great customer service, but really they should have no obligation no matter how well the email was written or how funny the customer is. I do commend them for their response however.
]]>I thought the same thing last year.. I actually won a Nintendo Wii this year (seriously). Let me tell you how suprised I was. I was going to keep it, but they were going for so much money on eBay I couldn't resist.
]]>"Autumn Walker" = the name of a song by Jets to Brazil. While I applaud the author's humor, I don't appreciate his use of anonyminity (sic).
]]>LOL AWESOME. Amazon should give that employee a raise.
]]>People always say, "If it was my job, I would've [insert witty and/or morally uplifting remark here]". Thank you, Autumn Walker, for being a real person and doing just that.
Hildebrandt, you rock too!
]]>@spinachdip: What? Someone on Consumerist suggesting that a stranger should look at a customer's private purchasing history?!
@CIBBOMATTEO: Maybe they thought you hadn't read it the first time...?
@EATINGSTEAK: What kind of sense would it make for them to give a writer a greatly reduced in price laptop because they had written something clever. They would have then had to give the same deal to every other person requesting the same. That just wouldn't have been good business sense. There may have been lots of good publicity, but there also would have been people requesting the deal. By the CSR taking the time to write a witty response, they've gained some good publicity and avoided having to give a lot of people cheap laptops.
]]>I sent an Email to Jeff Bezos in regards to them not including the Black Friday Wii extras I was supposed to receive with my Black Friday purchase.
""Dear Mr. Pautin,
My name is Peg Anderson of Amazon.com's Executive Customer
Relations. I am writing in response to a complaint filed on your
behalf by the Better Business Bureau (BBB) and your e-mail to Jeff
Bezos. I am including agents of the BBB and Jeff's office in this
correspondence for their reference.
I sympathize with your frustration. The information provided in our
previous message regarding the Wii console offered during the Black
Friday Sale states our policy at this time.
I understand that you ordered your item from Amazon.com and not an
Amazon.com merchant.
For a brief window on Nov. 22 when the product was listed on our
website as out-of-stock, the product description also included the
extra items that you mention. However, we revised the product
description when Amazon.com started to offer a different variation
of the Wii for our Black Friday Sale.
Some merchants on the Amazon.com website may still have had product
descriptions that included the extra items, but again, these were
referring to the merchant's offering. The Wii that you received
correctly matches the item sold by Amazon.com for our Black Friday
Sale.
I'm unable accommodate your request to ship the extra items or
refund you, and unfortunately, I can't offer any additional insight
or action.
We greatly appreciate your business and hope you'll give us the
opportunity to serve you again in the future. And of course, we do
hope that you enjoy the Wii you received.
Regards,
Peg Anderson
Executive Customer Relations"
My Last name is Autin.... So, Someone else on the forum then posted the response they got from Executive Customer Relations
Dear Mr. Pautin,
My name is Brett O'Keefe of Amazon.com's Executive Customer
Relations. I am writing in response to a fax that was received by
our Legal department.
I sympathize with your frustration. The information provided in our
previous message regarding the Wii console offered during the Black
Friday Sale states our policy at this time.
I understand that you ordered your item from Amazon.com and not an
Amazon.com merchant.
For a brief window on Nov. 22 when the product was listed on our
website as out-of-stock, the product description also included the
extra items that you mention. However, we revised the product
description when Amazon.com started to offer a different variation
of the Wii for our Black Friday Sale.
Some merchants on the Amazon.com website may still have had product
descriptions that included the extra items, but again, these were
referring to the merchant's offering. The Wii that you received
correctly matches the item sold by Amazon.com for our Black Friday
Sale.
I'm unable accommodate your request to ship the extra items or
refund you, and unfortunately, I can't offer any additional insight
or action.
We greatly appreciate your business and hope you'll give us the
opportunity to serve you again in the future. And of course, we do
hope that you enjoy the Wii you received.
Regards,
Brett M O'Keefe
Executive Customer Relations
Amazon.com
[www.amazon.com]
.................................LAME..................
So I think all of their responses are prewritten they just copy and paste then change the Last name.... for more on this check out the forum on Amazon
]]>Have you ever heard the term dimwit?
]]>@EtherealStrife: I odn't think Autumn Walker of Jeff Bezos are the ones attending to customer complaints. I think response times are safe for now.
]]>Yeah, but Norman Mailer's dead. Is it just me or is Autumn Walker wishing death on A. Hildebrandt? What a cunt.
]]>LAME. Tell me the company doesn't have one extra model of that laptop that they can write off a sale price on a 251st laptop.
Amazon has some other very questionable money-specific issues, such as claiming that they don't validate purchases on mispriced items "due to the large number of items" they sell.
How does the number of items they sell make them not responsible for their mistakes? And they can't write off one more sale, and for a high-hit blogger no less? Giving him his laptop would net a huge amount of positive publicity, and for dirt cheap. Shame on Amazon.
]]>I don't know about Amazon specifically, but I think in general a company whose employees have a sense of humor are going to do better in the long run.
]]>An outstanding response to a whiny complaint!
]]>@trujunglist: The way American TV portrays Gordon Ramsay he is a joke, the way he handles himself and runs his business is not. I've eaten in his place in London...the turnover at his restaurants is under 10% in an industry where the churn rate is generally measured with the same Fujita scale used to measure tornados.
If you put together a kitchen full of morons and have them run a 4-6 hour dinner service, you'll be sure to get 4-6 minutes of someone who is used to working with professionals (and some of the top people in the industry) blowing up at the morans out of it.
In the UK Hells Kitchen was him taking a bunch of celebrities and making them into chefs...THAT would be so much more fun :)
reg
]]>Thank you for your interest in my e-mail. I would like to assure you that while I did not take any statistics classes during my illustrious post-secondary education, my e-mail was based on the reported findings of many forum members on Amazon.com. While this may not be as reputable as those found in, say, the New England Journal of Medicine, I believe this random sampling of forum members was more than qualified to make these claims. Funny that you are unable to cite your sources ("I can't find the numbers or a citation right now"), while I am able to link to an entire forum of people who will confirm my findings ("OMG AMAZON IS HOARDING MAH LAPTOPS!!!").
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's okay to laugh sometimes.
]]>@charles star: good eye. I missed that. Ha!
]]>I'm sure CRNK is just being sarcastic, him/herself, right? Right? Oh.
I'm a long-time Amazon customer and this just reminded me that I should continue to go to them first or second when seeking . . . just about everything!
]]>Those are hilarious. CRNK...time to get your sarcasm/humor meter calibrated.
]]>@crnk: Lookup Sarcasm in a dictionary....
Besides, he wasn't looking to get something for nothing. He was trying to get a 1000 dollar laptop at the displayed price of 229 + shipping + "price of writing a funny letter to amuse anyone who has a sense of humor who read it"
]]>As for the Amazon response, the best part is I eagerly await the publication of your novel, and can assure you that I will be among the earliest purchasers at the bookstore.
]]>This is why I love Amazon's customer service. The only time I've called their customer support was for a mp3 download that didn't download. I explained my situation to the CSR. He said, "So, basically you purchased a mp3, it didn't download, and now you're S.O.L. Cool, I can fix that."
Real people are such a refreshing alternative to drones. Still, I suspect that if Hildebrandt's original email had even a shred of reality to it, the response would have been slightly less eloquent.
]]>In cas any one else was wondering
vociferous
vo·cif·er·ous
1. crying out noisily; clamorous.
2. characterized by or uttered with vociferation: a vociferous manner of expression
You know that you all had to look it up too!
Autumn Walker, will you marry me?
]]>@crnk:
humor, meet CRNK,
CRNK, meet humor
I don't know what you're talking about. The original letter made me smile.
]]>@crnk:
While all these things you state are true, at least the OP and Amazon understand this wonderful thing called, um, sarcasm. Please don't tell me you really didn't understand that this was a joke, and that the OP was in NO WAY claiming that he'd been wronged?
]]>Pure Hilarity!
]]>Awesome response, but I have to say the original letter made me laugh more!
]]>Ah... witty banter. I love it when intelligent people collide!
]]>Amazon.com - Proof that good service can indeed come both cheap and fast.
]]>Totally made me grin on a rather bummy afternoon. Go Ms. Walker. I knew I loved Amazon for a reason. Now if they'd only get me the Two Fat Ladies DVD collection in Region 1 encoding, I would be totally devoted.
]]>Autumn Walker, I applaud you.
]]>They should have sent him a free sharpie, just in case he wins the next round.
Kudos Ms. Walker.
]]>